Greetings from yours truly, Mr. TGI-Jeff. Thank God It’s
Friday! Even though I am retired, I still have fond memories of ‘working
Fridays’
past and seriously, long before I took on this hobby,
Friday WAS my favorite day of the week. I guess it was all about the
anticipation of getting a few days off. Some people say we should all be moving
to a 4-day work week - - - but hey, I figure that, in reality, we’re already
there. I assume not much is produced on Monday mornings or Friday afternoons.
So, do the math! I think that totals about 4 days.
Oh, I know you are thinking also about all the wasted
time you all spend browsing the internet in non-work related activity. Then
there are the long coffee and cigarette breaks and long lunch breaks and
personal phone calls and email, including forwarding jokes to your friends, and
so forth. (But I will exempt from that the jokes you send to me for use in a
future TGIF!!!). It’s no wonder our economy is in such a mess. No one is
producing anything – or nearly up to what they are expected to do.
But we can’t blame our politicians and government
representatives.
They certainly have been busy - - - no, not fixing the
economy or creating jobs or lowering taxes - - - but dishing out pork.
“Your Government and Tax Dollars Hard At Work” (by Doug
Bandow) “Obviously what I’m about to list isn’t going to make or break us as a
nation in terms of monetary outlay. Each taken individually is but a drop in
the sea of $16 trillion dollar debt we now float in. But the fact remains that
each is an indicator of why we’re in that deep of a hole. Each points to
another area where government has no business, especially spending taxpayer, or
more likely borrowed money. Or it points to an expenditure not made on its
reasoned merits, but on bureaucratic inertia, lack of control or monitoring or
any of a great number of reasons the payment shouldn’t have been made.”
Doug Bandow provides us with the list.
Now, on with the show:
* The U.S. Agency for International Development (U.S.
AID) spent $30 million to spur mango production and sales in Pakistan—and
failed utterly.
Yup, mango production … in Pakistan.
* The Air Force spent $14 million to switch three radar
stations to wind power; poor planning forced cancellation of one turbine and
consideration of the same for the other two.
Because we all know wind power is proven and reliable and
… what do you mean “put our national security at risk?”
* The Federal Aviation Administration devoted $6 million
to subsidize air service at small, underused airports.
Market smarket … we’ll just create one. Until the money
runs out, of course.
* A federal grant for $765,828 went to—I am not making
this up, to quote Dave Barry—bring an International House of Pancakes franchise
to Washington, D.C.
Because bringing IHOPs to DC is a primary function of the
United States government and worthy of every dollar spent.
* The Department for Housing and Urban Development (HUD)
provided a
$484,000 grant to build a “Mellow Mushroom Pizza Bakers”
restaurant in Texas.
Because it is not the market’s job to decide what
restaurants should exist in a certain area, it’s the job of government.
* Another HUD grant, this one for $1 million, went to a
foreign architectural firm to move its headquarters from Santa Monica to Los
Angeles.
Because we knew you’d want us to do it. You need to move?
Tough cookies.
* NIH gave the University of Kentucky $175,587 to study
the impact of cocaine on the sex drive of Japanese quail.
Because we’re sure Japanese quail are the next target of
drug dealers.
Or something.
* The Federal Highway Administration (FHA) gave $916,567
to underwrite horse-drawn carriage exhibits and survey shipwrecks in Wisconsin.
Because, well, we couldn’t think of anything else to do
with the money.
* The Oregon Cheese Guild received $50,400 to promote
cheese.
Because obviously the Oregon Cheese Guild wouldn’t be
able to promote cheese without this.
* Uncle Sam spent $111,000 to send brewery experts to
conduct classes in China.
Because the folks making Tsing Tao obviously couldn’t
handle that.
* The ever busy NSF devoted $300,000 to developing a
dance program to illustrate the origins of matter.
Because without it … oh never mind.
And my personal favorite:
* Washington helpfully gave almost $18 million in foreign
aid to China—money effectively borrowed from China.
The circle is complete. Borrowing money to give money
back to the entity from which we borrowed it while still owing the principle.
Brilliant.
* * * * * * * * * *
But wait. Things seem not to be very different over in
the European Union.
This Says It All (Like the K.I.S.S method – Keep It
Simple, Stupid!)
Pythagoras' Theorem:
...........................................24 words.
Lord's
prayer:....................................................... 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle:
...........................................67 words.
Ten Commandments: ..........................................179
words.
Gettysburg address:
............................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence: ....................
1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: .........7,818
words.
EU regulations on the sale of CABBAGES:.....26,911 words.
* * * * * * * * * *
How Different Recent Generations Get Their Moniker People
born before 1946 were called ‘The Silent and Powerful’ generation.
(TGIF Editor’s note: Tom Brokaw called them “The Greatest
Generation”!)
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called ‘The Baby
Boomers’
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called ‘Generation
X’
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called
‘Generation Y’
Why do we call the last group ‘Generation Y’?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
(TGIF Editor’s Note: Any resemblance between the above
and my kids is purely coincidental!)
* * * * * * * * * *
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books
on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made
for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to
make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the
heavens the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the
opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut
her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said,
"IS THAT YOU LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"
* * * * * * * * * *
EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you
have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to
reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for
just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get
to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms
straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in
each bag.
* * * * * * * * * *
ANSWERS OF A BRILLIANT STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0%
(I would have given him 100%)
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the
page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will
it become?
* it will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand
and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how
long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor
without cracking it?
*Concrete floors are very hard to crack.
(TGIF Editor’s Note: The Q10 reminds of the one from
Groucho Marx when he was talking about his safari in Africa. He said “One early
morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas! How he got in my pajamas I’ll never
know!”)
* * * * * * * * * *
Here’s an old one – but I am sure you have forgotten the
punch line, so ……… How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting Flies' he responded.
'Oh. ! Killing any?' she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, 'How can you tell them apart?'
He responded, ‘3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the
phone!’
* * * * *
Then, if she was anything like my wife, she probably
would have taken the fly swatter away from him and hit him over the head with
it!
* * * * * * * * * *
It’s now time for the “TGIF Golden Classic” of the week:
Men Are Honest
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a
tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into
water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a
golden axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him
all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife
along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with
ANGELINA JOLIE. “Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an
untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It
is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE, You would
have come up with CAMERON DIAZ. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come
up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so
THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE."
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is
for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - "WE
ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"
* * * * * * * * * *
That’s my story. And that’s my TGIF for this week.
Welcome to some new TGIF members who have recently been added to my list. (I
hope Alpha Bah is able to manage his WFP insider list with all the changes
going on. If Alpha’s boss is reading this, he deserves a raise or
promotion!)
I see the Australian Open (tennis) is underway down under
now. I’m always surprised to see that the time difference between Vermont
(here) and Melbourne is 16 hours. So, partly due to the
fact that I have friends and TGIF members down there, I have been trying to
send this out late on Thursday nights. Cuz even if I send it at midnight here,
it’s already 4 p.m. in Melbourne on Friday. A TGIF message that doesn’t arrive
until Saturday is just not the same thing!
One new member, in reply to last Friday’s TGIF (on Friday
the 13th) informed me that there are two more “Friday the 13ths” coming later
this year. One in April and the second in July, I think. He also mentioned that
there are exactly 13 weeks between them. Wow! Unlucky
13 is really making an effort this year. I wonder if that
is due to the fact that it is a “leap year”! Maybe, but I won’t “jump” to any
conclusions on that!
Wish you all a fantastic Friday and wonderful weekend!
See you next Friday, hopefully.
Go Patriots!
TGI-Jeff
