Greetings once again (although not every Friday) from your TGIF
editor, down here in my TGIF dungeon. I usually complain about being down here in the windowless basement; but NOT today. It’s 92 degrees outside (33 C) and about 77 degrees (25 C) inside (upstairs), while down here it must be only about 70 degrees (21 C). So, I’ve come down here earlier than usual in order to escape the heat and I hope to find some good material to share with you today from my tgifjeff@gmail.com inbox.
I’m not going to apologize for not publishing one last week as I was
just too busy doing all my summer activities (you know: sprucing up
the yard, biking, golfing, playing tennis, planting flowers and mowing
the lawn. I’m the only one in our neighborhood who doesn’t have a
sit-down mower and so it takes some time, which I used to think was okay as it was good exercise but now I’m realizing that it’s too time consuming. So, I may brake down and buy a sit-down mower this summer.
Summer began officially in the northern hemisphere on Wednesday the 20th and it was a scorcher here. It got up to low 90s and was humid. Today (Thursday here as I draft this) is less humid and a bit breezy but it still got up to 92 F (33 C) I realize that is no big deal for many of you WFPers who live in warm/hot climates as we did. Our family remembers using AC in our third floor room in Islamabad where we got the temperature down to a comfortable 80 degrees F (27 C).
In fact, our house here is not air conditioned and there are usually
only about 3 days during the summer where we really need it. This
house is very well insulated and when we open windows at night, it
retains the cooler temperatures from the night/early morning. When we close all windows and doors when the outdoor temperature goes above the indoor temperature (usually between 9 and 10 a.m.) – it remains relatively cool inside and it feels like it’s air conditioned when coming in from outside when it’s very hot like these last few days.
Over in Europe it’s the UEFA EURO 2012 championships (jointly hosted by Poland and Ukraine) and they’ve reached the knockout stage, with 8 teams remaining, which include: Portugal, the Czech Republic, Germany, Greece, France, Spain, England and Italy. May the best team win!
From John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.
editor, down here in my TGIF dungeon. I usually complain about being down here in the windowless basement; but NOT today. It’s 92 degrees outside (33 C) and about 77 degrees (25 C) inside (upstairs), while down here it must be only about 70 degrees (21 C). So, I’ve come down here earlier than usual in order to escape the heat and I hope to find some good material to share with you today from my tgifjeff@gmail.com inbox.
I’m not going to apologize for not publishing one last week as I was
just too busy doing all my summer activities (you know: sprucing up
the yard, biking, golfing, playing tennis, planting flowers and mowing
the lawn. I’m the only one in our neighborhood who doesn’t have a
sit-down mower and so it takes some time, which I used to think was okay as it was good exercise but now I’m realizing that it’s too time consuming. So, I may brake down and buy a sit-down mower this summer.
Summer began officially in the northern hemisphere on Wednesday the 20th and it was a scorcher here. It got up to low 90s and was humid. Today (Thursday here as I draft this) is less humid and a bit breezy but it still got up to 92 F (33 C) I realize that is no big deal for many of you WFPers who live in warm/hot climates as we did. Our family remembers using AC in our third floor room in Islamabad where we got the temperature down to a comfortable 80 degrees F (27 C).
In fact, our house here is not air conditioned and there are usually
only about 3 days during the summer where we really need it. This
house is very well insulated and when we open windows at night, it
retains the cooler temperatures from the night/early morning. When we close all windows and doors when the outdoor temperature goes above the indoor temperature (usually between 9 and 10 a.m.) – it remains relatively cool inside and it feels like it’s air conditioned when coming in from outside when it’s very hot like these last few days.
Over in Europe it’s the UEFA EURO 2012 championships (jointly hosted by Poland and Ukraine) and they’ve reached the knockout stage, with 8 teams remaining, which include: Portugal, the Czech Republic, Germany, Greece, France, Spain, England and Italy. May the best team win!
From John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person.
A thought..............
Greece is collapsing, the Iranians, formerly Persians, are getting
aggressive and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC.
* * * * *
The Euro Zone Crisis
This guy really knows how to describe a crisis :
"The market is currently like a strapless bra . . .
half of us are wondering what is holding it up;
and the other half are waiting for it to drop,
so they can grab the opportunity with both hands."
* * * * *
A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have
teeth taken out"
"$90" said the dentist.
"That’s ridiculous" said the man.
“I could lower the amount of anaesthetic and it would cost $60"
responded the dentist.
"That’s still to expensive,” said the man.
"If I don't use any anaesthesia I could knock the price down to $20".
“Still too much” said the man.
“Well, one of my students can do it for $10” said the dentist.
"Perfect" said the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday".
* * * * *
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
Then He made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...
Greece is collapsing, the Iranians, formerly Persians, are getting
aggressive and Rome is in disarray.
Welcome back to 430 BC.
* * * * *
The Euro Zone Crisis
This guy really knows how to describe a crisis :
"The market is currently like a strapless bra . . .
half of us are wondering what is holding it up;
and the other half are waiting for it to drop,
so they can grab the opportunity with both hands."
* * * * *
A man went into a dentist and said "how much will it cost to have
teeth taken out"
"$90" said the dentist.
"That’s ridiculous" said the man.
“I could lower the amount of anaesthetic and it would cost $60"
responded the dentist.
"That’s still to expensive,” said the man.
"If I don't use any anaesthesia I could knock the price down to $20".
“Still too much” said the man.
“Well, one of my students can do it for $10” said the dentist.
"Perfect" said the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday".
* * * * *
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.
Then He made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...
* * * * *
It’s 11 p.m. – Do you know where your husband is?
He said to me: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said to him: A widow.
* * * * *
Her EX-HUSBAND
"I still miss my ex-husband.......but my aim's improving."
* * * * *
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to
report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a
description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
* * * * *
Relationship With a Significant Other ...
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never say it's not quite as good as his mother's
… then get a dog.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want ...
… then get a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care
about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
... then get a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get on your bed just to warm
your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
... then get a dog.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if
every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually ..
... then get a dog.
BUT, on the other hand, if you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness ....
...then get a cat!
* * * * *
ENGLISH AS A FIRST LANGUAGE
I propose a tax on all individuals who destroy the English language.
We’ll call it a “syn tax”.
* * * * *
Another one on language that I saw on Facebook was the sign for what I imagine was to be advertising a place where kids exchange messages or maybe parents exchange their kids for better ones, I’m not sure. In any case, here is the sign:
KIDSEXCHANGE
Spaces - - - They’re more important than you might think.
* * * * *
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.
Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the
window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was
lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her. How
could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed
state of mind, she hung herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot
himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had
happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid saw him and said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right."
And while the second son tried his best (seven times), it was not
enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
The youngest son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this statement. Then he said,"Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"
Finally, she said, "Enough! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty
times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."
Then the young son asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?"
* * * * *
A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner.
The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the
costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound.
With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?"
* * * * *
MOSES AND GOD
Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates.
'Are you hungry, Moses?' asks God.
'I could eat,' Moses replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While partaking of this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.
The next day God again invites Moses to join him for a meal. Again
it's tuna and rye bread. And, again, Moses can see those denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still he says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly he says “God, I am
grateful to be here in heaven with You as a reward for the pious,
obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a
piece of rye bread, and in that 'other place' they all eat like
emperors and kings! I just don't understand.
God sighs. 'Let's be honest,' God says. 'For just two people, does it
really pay to cook'?
* * * * *
YOU GOTTA LUV THE IRISH!
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of
flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers and drags him in. She lies on her back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
* * * * *
It’s time for a TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC
SISTER MARY ANN'S GASOLINE
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and
spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street…..
One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning
Catholic.'!!!
* * * * *
Time to close and get this to the TGIF proofreader to spot all my misteaks.
It’s tennis weekend at Cape Cod and am looking forward to some good tennis, some good biking and some good seafood over the next several days – along with good friends.
Hope you all have a great weekend too! Stay cool!
TGI-Jeff
