Greetings to all of you after a few weeks away from Vermont,
and this
TGIF dungeon. As I mentioned in my last issue, 3 weeks ago, Pam and I
flew out to San Diego to attend our son Philip’s graduation from USD
and spent a week in Mission Beach with older brother Nate (and his
wife Karen) and our son Jonathan (and his girl Mary) in an oceanside
condo which was just around the corner from Phil’s place (a nice
little place for 2 that had 5 guys sharing it!!!). Nearby in Rancho
Bernardo are/were my sister Noreen and her husband Steve. So, it was a
Dick family reunion in addition to being a celebration for Phil’s
graduation. A great time was had by all!
I stopped off in Grinnell, Iowa on my return trip to attend a college
reunion. The most alumni ever to attend a reunion were there. More
than 1300, which was about the enrollment of the college when I
attended long, long ago. In fact, it was so long ago that they didn’t
even offer a “history” course. Actually, that’s a joke - - - (duh!) as
I took several history courses and even saw one of my history profs
who was also my “adviser”. It was only my second reunion as it was
almost impossible to attend while being posted in Africa or Asia with
WFP. Although some of my Grinnell College year’s friends do attend,
many of my good friends of that era do not attend. So, I end up
meeting and spending time with other alumni whom I did not know well
back then – which was great. But the short 3-day reunion ends and you
wonder why you didn’t spend more time with so many of these fellow
alums. Just not enough time. Maybe next time.
As a result of this reunion, and a fellow Grinnell alumnus who
actively seeks out potential new TGIF members, I have added a few new
names and addresses to the master list. And despite what one alumna
thought, who I saw there, this TGIF thing is not only going to
Grinnellians, but also to family and friends and fellow WFP colleagues spread over the globe.
So, you all have had 3 weeks to submit some new material. I’ve just
reviewed the inbox for those 3 weeks and I barely found enough for
this edition. So, you’d better work hard to pay your dues. In fact, I
just may have to “occupy” some of your offices until you send me some
good ones as only 1% of you are contributing, while the other 99% are
“free-loading”.
Okay, let’s dive in!
Is this an Irish joke or a blonde joke?
flew out to San Diego to attend our son Philip’s graduation from USD
and spent a week in Mission Beach with older brother Nate (and his
wife Karen) and our son Jonathan (and his girl Mary) in an oceanside
condo which was just around the corner from Phil’s place (a nice
little place for 2 that had 5 guys sharing it!!!). Nearby in Rancho
Bernardo are/were my sister Noreen and her husband Steve. So, it was a
Dick family reunion in addition to being a celebration for Phil’s
graduation. A great time was had by all!
I stopped off in Grinnell, Iowa on my return trip to attend a college
reunion. The most alumni ever to attend a reunion were there. More
than 1300, which was about the enrollment of the college when I
attended long, long ago. In fact, it was so long ago that they didn’t
even offer a “history” course. Actually, that’s a joke - - - (duh!) as
I took several history courses and even saw one of my history profs
who was also my “adviser”. It was only my second reunion as it was
almost impossible to attend while being posted in Africa or Asia with
WFP. Although some of my Grinnell College year’s friends do attend,
many of my good friends of that era do not attend. So, I end up
meeting and spending time with other alumni whom I did not know well
back then – which was great. But the short 3-day reunion ends and you
wonder why you didn’t spend more time with so many of these fellow
alums. Just not enough time. Maybe next time.
As a result of this reunion, and a fellow Grinnell alumnus who
actively seeks out potential new TGIF members, I have added a few new
names and addresses to the master list. And despite what one alumna
thought, who I saw there, this TGIF thing is not only going to
Grinnellians, but also to family and friends and fellow WFP colleagues spread over the globe.
So, you all have had 3 weeks to submit some new material. I’ve just
reviewed the inbox for those 3 weeks and I barely found enough for
this edition. So, you’d better work hard to pay your dues. In fact, I
just may have to “occupy” some of your offices until you send me some
good ones as only 1% of you are contributing, while the other 99% are
“free-loading”.
Okay, let’s dive in!
Is this an Irish joke or a blonde joke?
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking baffled.
A blonde walked by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, “We're supposed to be finding the height of this
flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.”
The blonde promptly took an adjustable spanner from her bag, undid a
few bolts and laid the flagpole down on the ground. She produced a
tape measure, ran it from one end of the flagpole to the other,
announced that the length of the pole was 6.5 metres, and then calmly
walked off.
Mick shook his head in disbelief. “Isn't that just like a blonde,' he
complained to Paddy. 'We need the height, and she gives us the
length!”
* * * * * * * * * *
Permanent Parking
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens
funeral, a voice from inside screams
“I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”
The Minister smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
“Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”
* * * * * * * * * *
Tetanus Shot
The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch
then starts putting his coat on.
His wife, seeing his unexpected behaviour, asks, "And where do you
think you are going?"
He replies, "I'm off to the doctor."
She says, "Why, are you sick?"
He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."
Hearing this, the wife starts struggling to get out of her rocker, she
then slowly goes to the closet and starts to put on her coat.
The husband now looks mystified and starts to yell at his wife. He
says, "And where on earth do you think you are going?
“Oh” she answers, "I'm off to the doctor, too."
He says, "Why, what do you need a doctor for?"
She says, "Well if you're going to start using that rusty old thing
again, I'm getting a tetanus shot!"
* * * * * * * * * *
TWO AUSSIE FISHERMEN
Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Ferret stumbled across
an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously and sure enough out popped a genie .
This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only
deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire
ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately
the sea turned
into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances.
Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going
Dickhead! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat"
* * * * * * * * * *
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go
fishing at a big lake up in Vermont with my boss and several of his
friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me
to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me
enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're
leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my
things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy (so to speak!), but being a
good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following
weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says,
"Yes! Lots of walleye, some northern trout and a few pike. But why
didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."
* * * * * * * * * *
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to
walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms
son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in
health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why
are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one
for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for
Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for
married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......."
* * * * * * * * * *
MOTHER SUPERIOR
Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she
passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers on their way to
classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother
Superior said, "Good morning, ladies."
The novices replied, "Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you."
But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other,
"I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."
This startled Mother Superior but she chose not to pursue the issue. A
little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the
Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years.
She greeted them with, "Good morning, Sister Martha, Sister Jessica,
may God give you wisdom for our students today."
“Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you and may God be with you."
But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, "She got out of
the wrong side of bed today."
Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly or with an
irritated look on her face.
She vowed to be more pleasant. Looking down the hall, Mother Superior
saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.
As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior had plenty of time to
arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary.
"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I
pray God watches over you today, and grant you a wonderful day."
"Ah, Good morning Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on
the wrong side of the bed this morning."
Mother Superior was floored!
"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant but
three times already today people have said that about me."
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the
face. "Oh, don't take it personally, Mother Superior. It's just that
you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.
* * * * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic.
The Nun in Hooters
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
It was hopping with loud music and conversation, and occasionally the
lights went out.
Whenever they went out, the place erupted in cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, 'May I please use the restroom?'
The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that inside, there
is a statue of a man wearing only a fig leaf.'
'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes she came out, and the whole place erupted in loud applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender. 'Would you
like a drink?'
'No thank you, but I still don't understand,' replied the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig
leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?'
* * * * * * * * * *
Yes. It’s Thursday evening here and I’m ready for a drink as the
Celtics (vs. Heat in Game 6) is about ready to start and I must get up
there and cheer on Rondo and those old guys (!!!)
Then tomorrow it’s off to another reunion down near Philly. It’s a
Taft family reunion and we are looking forward to it. The only
downside is the 6-hour drive down (Friday) and back (on Sunday).
Hope you all have a great weekend too!
Until next Friday, all the best!
TGI-Jeff
