Greetings from your Friday guy who, at this time of hot summer days,
does not mind terribly coming down here to the nice and cool dungeon
to carry out my weekly responsibility so that you all can read some
funny stuff on Friday – either the last day of your work week – or for
some – your day off. In either case, it’s a reason to be happy. And if
I can add to your good mood just a little, I will also be happy.
I really do appreciate the efforts of so many of you to try and
contribute some new or useable material. It helps keep this little
thing going - - - until we finally run out of any new jokes to share.
Let’s hope that won’t happen anytime soon.
The USA has experienced incredible heat over the last days/week,
although up here in the Northeast, it hasn’t been too bad and
unbearable. We’ve had temperatures in the high 70s/low 80s while the
rest of the USA has had much higher temps. Storms have also caused
lots of power outages that continued for days. Then there are also the
tragic wild fires out in Colorado that have destroyed hundreds of
houses and thousands acres of land. Then I’ve also been hearing once
again about the terrible drought and hunger issues in a part of the
world where I spent a lot of time professionally – the Sahel Region of
West Africa. Let’s hope the governments there with the help of the aid
agencies, including WFP, can meet this challenge, once again.
The EUFA championships were fun to watch and SPAIN certainly deserved
the win. The next big sporting event will be the 2012 Olympics that
will be hosted by the city of London.
THE FIRST LONDON 2012 OLYMPICS JOKE
In a few weeks the 2012 Olympics in London will begin. Here is the
first 2012 Olympics joke:
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman want to get in, but they
haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and
walks to the gate.
"McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in
he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks
it under his arm.
“O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."
* * * * *
SOMETHING TO WARM THE HEART
This letter was sent to the South Shields High School Principal's
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An
elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a raffle prize and
was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
humankind.
Dear South Shields High School
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age
Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Laygate home
for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all
alone.... I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a
forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own
radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged
to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to
fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Yours sincerely, Ella.
* * * * *
ADOPT A TERRORIST
A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
facilities.
She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada.
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by
Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to
learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,
to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or
L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
Next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint! It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure
that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you
so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath
and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you
described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these
character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any friends, neighbors
or relatives as your house guest might get agitated or even violent,
but we are sure you can reason with him.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of property
thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the
new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his
culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching. Good luck
and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
* * * * *
ANOTHER HEART-WARMING PIECE
Sometimes....
When you cry…
No one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
When you are in pain...
No one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
When you are worried...
No one sees your stress.
Sometimes…
When you are happy...
No one sees your smile.
But FART - - - just ONE friggin' time..... And everybody knows!!
* * * * *
SUNBURN TREATMENT
Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn
A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours
and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to
the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'
* * * * *
DYING NUN
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
She went back to Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom
before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered :
"Don't sell that cow!"
* * * * *
THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2",
strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle
cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed
of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally
called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The
Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot.
So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might
call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you
can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the
Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
* six illegal aliens,
* six lawyers,
* six meth dealers,
* six Muslim extremists,
* six Democrats, and
* a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"Great attitude! You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
* * * * *
Here’s another one from or about Texas – the lone star state.
A new priest, born and raised in Texas , comes to serve in a city
parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and
'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and
repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest
says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your
knee and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC – one used a few times before -
- - an oldie but goodie.
TRIP TO ITALY
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment
in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three
sandwiches and a bottle of red wine; then he would make love to her
until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during
a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
* * * * *
This was the week of the 4th of July – our nation’s Independence Day.
It was the day that the Continental Congress of the 13 states released
to the public the text of the Declaration of Independence in 1776.
Apparently it was agreed to and signed by the state’s representatives
on the 2nd of July, but not “released” until the 4th. It seems John
Adams (eventually the second president of the USA, after Washington)
was upset about that fact (thinking that we should acknowledge this
historic day on July 2nd) and never agreed to take part in any Fourth
of July celebrations. Oddly enough, both he and Thomas Jefferson (who
drafted much of the document and was the third president) both died on
July 4th in 1809 (I think).
We had a great 4th of July backyard barbecue here at our place with
family from Hanover NH and Boston MA and the 3 of us current residents
of 1 Walnut Way (Pam, Joya and me). Jonathan, Mary and Joya did all
the food preparation and barbecuing while Pam and I were the clean-up
crew. Granny and Grandad Taft enjoyed it all, I know. Large family
gatherings are few and spread out over time – but well worth the
effort that all make to attend. We are truly blessed.
Until next week – or whenever I accumulate enough stuff to share or am
not too busy with all my other activities…..
Have a great weekend!
TGI-Jeff
does not mind terribly coming down here to the nice and cool dungeon
to carry out my weekly responsibility so that you all can read some
funny stuff on Friday – either the last day of your work week – or for
some – your day off. In either case, it’s a reason to be happy. And if
I can add to your good mood just a little, I will also be happy.
I really do appreciate the efforts of so many of you to try and
contribute some new or useable material. It helps keep this little
thing going - - - until we finally run out of any new jokes to share.
Let’s hope that won’t happen anytime soon.
The USA has experienced incredible heat over the last days/week,
although up here in the Northeast, it hasn’t been too bad and
unbearable. We’ve had temperatures in the high 70s/low 80s while the
rest of the USA has had much higher temps. Storms have also caused
lots of power outages that continued for days. Then there are also the
tragic wild fires out in Colorado that have destroyed hundreds of
houses and thousands acres of land. Then I’ve also been hearing once
again about the terrible drought and hunger issues in a part of the
world where I spent a lot of time professionally – the Sahel Region of
West Africa. Let’s hope the governments there with the help of the aid
agencies, including WFP, can meet this challenge, once again.
The EUFA championships were fun to watch and SPAIN certainly deserved
the win. The next big sporting event will be the 2012 Olympics that
will be hosted by the city of London.
THE FIRST LONDON 2012 OLYMPICS JOKE
In a few weeks the 2012 Olympics in London will begin. Here is the
first 2012 Olympics joke:
A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman want to get in, but they
haven't got tickets.
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and
walks to the gate.
"McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder. "Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in
he walks.
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks
it under his arm.
“O'Malley, Ireland" he says, "Fencing."
* * * * *
SOMETHING TO WARM THE HEART
This letter was sent to the South Shields High School Principal's
office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An
elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a raffle prize and
was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all
humankind.
Dear South Shields High School
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age
Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Laygate home
for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all
alone.... I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a
forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own
radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged
to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen
pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could
listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to
fuck off.
Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.
God bless you all.
Yours sincerely, Ella.
* * * * *
ADOPT A TERRORIST
A Canadian female liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian
government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents
(terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System
facilities.
She demanded a response to her letter correspondence.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada.
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
the treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by
Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan
Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in
Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions
were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to
learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are
creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense,
to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or
L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your
personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
Next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint! It will likely be necessary for you to hire some
assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure
that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you
so strongly recommend in your letter. Although Ahmed is a sociopath
and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you
described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these
character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home
schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these
skills at your next yoga group. Please advise any friends, neighbors
or relatives as your house guest might get agitated or even violent,
but we are sure you can reason with him.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a sub-human form of property
thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the
new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka
over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his
culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching. Good luck
and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
* * * * *
ANOTHER HEART-WARMING PIECE
Sometimes....
When you cry…
No one sees your tears.
Sometimes...
When you are in pain...
No one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...
When you are worried...
No one sees your stress.
Sometimes…
When you are happy...
No one sees your smile.
But FART - - - just ONE friggin' time..... And everybody knows!!
* * * * *
SUNBURN TREATMENT
Bet you never thought of this... New Treatment For Sunburn
A guy visiting in Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours
and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to
the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with
second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was
in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline,
electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do
for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll
keep the sheets off his legs.'
* * * * *
DYING NUN
A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns
gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a
bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she
opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
She went back to Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her
lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more.
Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
"Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom
before you die."
She raised herself up in bed and whispered :
"Don't sell that cow!"
* * * * *
THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2",
strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle
cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed
of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally
called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The
Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot.
So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might
call, an "Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you
can be accepted.
We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the
Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
* six illegal aliens,
* six lawyers,
* six meth dealers,
* six Muslim extremists,
* six Democrats, and
* a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"Great attitude! You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
* * * * *
Here’s another one from or about Texas – the lone star state.
A new priest, born and raised in Texas , comes to serve in a city
parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub
your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and
'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and
repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest. The old priest
says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your
knee and saying, "No shit, what happened next?"
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC – one used a few times before -
- - an oldie but goodie.
TRIP TO ITALY
A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could
throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take
care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted. That night the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment
in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three
sandwiches and a bottle of red wine; then he would make love to her
until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during
a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
* * * * *
This was the week of the 4th of July – our nation’s Independence Day.
It was the day that the Continental Congress of the 13 states released
to the public the text of the Declaration of Independence in 1776.
Apparently it was agreed to and signed by the state’s representatives
on the 2nd of July, but not “released” until the 4th. It seems John
Adams (eventually the second president of the USA, after Washington)
was upset about that fact (thinking that we should acknowledge this
historic day on July 2nd) and never agreed to take part in any Fourth
of July celebrations. Oddly enough, both he and Thomas Jefferson (who
drafted much of the document and was the third president) both died on
July 4th in 1809 (I think).
We had a great 4th of July backyard barbecue here at our place with
family from Hanover NH and Boston MA and the 3 of us current residents
of 1 Walnut Way (Pam, Joya and me). Jonathan, Mary and Joya did all
the food preparation and barbecuing while Pam and I were the clean-up
crew. Granny and Grandad Taft enjoyed it all, I know. Large family
gatherings are few and spread out over time – but well worth the
effort that all make to attend. We are truly blessed.
Until next week – or whenever I accumulate enough stuff to share or am
not too busy with all my other activities…..
Have a great weekend!
TGI-Jeff
