Greetings from the “Friday Guy” and I hope that despite which Friday
this is today, that you all think of me as the Good Friday Guy! And
even if you don’t, at least I hope you won’t nail me to any cross. Due
to the likely holiday today for many of you, I was thinking of not
editing an edition today, but it is not only Easter weekend, it is
also income tax preparation season for many of us. So, I’ll share a
few on the poor state of our economy, largely due to the economic
crisis and the poor quality of our politicians. And remember, the only
two certain things in life are: death and taxes.
It is also spring - - - meaning rebirth and making new beginnings, for
nature and for us as well.
Male Sensitivity
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles
and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make
plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a
path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you
to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good
for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room,
slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf
bag while we walk."
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
* * * * * * * * * *
A Billion – How Much Really is One Billion?
even if you don’t, at least I hope you won’t nail me to any cross. Due
to the likely holiday today for many of you, I was thinking of not
editing an edition today, but it is not only Easter weekend, it is
also income tax preparation season for many of us. So, I’ll share a
few on the poor state of our economy, largely due to the economic
crisis and the poor quality of our politicians. And remember, the only
two certain things in life are: death and taxes.
It is also spring - - - meaning rebirth and making new beginnings, for
nature and for us as well.
Male Sensitivity
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you.
Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles
and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make
plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a
path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you
to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good
for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room,
slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf
bag while we walk."
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it?
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
* * * * * * * * * *
A Billion – How Much Really is One Billion?
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual
manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR
tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising
agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in
one of its releases.
A. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B. A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C. A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D. A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E. A billion dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate
our government is spending it.
Look at all the taxes we have now:
Income Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Tobacco Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing Licence Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax (tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
Marriage Licence Tax
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Social Security Tax
Vehicle Licence Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and our nation was one of
the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world. Mum stayed home to raise
the kids, Dad was allowed to discipline kids and a criminal’s life was
uncomfortable.
What the hell happened?
'Political Correctness', ‘Politicians or both?'
* * * * * * * * * *
And speaking of politicians and the hard times we’ve fallen upon, it
seems it is an international thing.
One day about a month ago, a Kenyan Minister was looking for a call
girl. He found three such girls in a local pub, a Kikuyu, a Kamba and
a Luo (three large tribes in Kenya).
To the Luo he said, "I am a Minister in the Kenya Government. Now how
much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
She replied, KShs. 20,000."
To the Kamba he asked the same question. Her reply was Kshs. 10,000.
He then asked the Kikuyu.
Her reply was, "Mr. Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my
taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard
as the times, and keep it rising like the fuel prices, keep me warmer
than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public,
then believe me, Mr. Minister, it isn't going to cost you a damn
cent."
* * * * * * * * * *
How DID This Whole World Economic Crisis Begin?
Let me try to explain.
A Primer: Understanding Derivatives
Heidi is the proprietor of a
bar in Detroit.
She realizes that, virtually, all of her customers are unemployed
alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.
To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that
allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby,
granting the customers' loans).
Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing
strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into
Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in
Detroit.
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands,
Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially
increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at Heidi's local bank recognizes
that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and
increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the
unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to
make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK
BONDS.
These "Securities" then are bundled and traded on international
securities markets.
Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold
to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" are really debts of unemployed
alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and
the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the
nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk
manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to
demand payment on the debts incurred by Heidi's bar. He so informs
Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being
unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations to the bank she is
forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose
their jobs.
Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and
prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic
activity in the community.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment
extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND
securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her
bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.
Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a
family business that had endured for three generations, her beer
supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the
local plant and lays off 150 workers. In addition, the laid-off
workers' pension funds and IRA'S, all suffer substantial loss in
value.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their
respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion
dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.
The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied
on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers, who have never been in or
heard of Heidi's bar.
Now do you understand how it all started?
* * * * * * * * * *
One Way to Pay Your Taxes to the U.S. Internal Revenue Service
She realizes that, virtually, all of her customers are unemployed
alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.
To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that
allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.
Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby,
granting the customers' loans).
Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing
strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into
Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in
Detroit.
By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands,
Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially
increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.
Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.
A young and dynamic vice-president at Heidi's local bank recognizes
that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and
increases Heidi's borrowing limit.
He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the
unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!
At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to
make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK
BONDS.
These "Securities" then are bundled and traded on international
securities markets.
Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold
to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" are really debts of unemployed
alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and
the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the
nation's leading brokerage houses.
One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk
manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to
demand payment on the debts incurred by Heidi's bar. He so informs
Heidi.
Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being
unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.
Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations to the bank she is
forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose
their jobs.
Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.
The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and
prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic
activity in the community.
The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment
extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND
securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her
bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.
Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a
family business that had endured for three generations, her beer
supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the
local plant and lays off 150 workers. In addition, the laid-off
workers' pension funds and IRA'S, all suffer substantial loss in
value.
Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their
respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion
dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.
The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied
on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers, who have never been in or
heard of Heidi's bar.
Now do you understand how it all started?
* * * * * * * * * *
One Way to Pay Your Taxes to the U.S. Internal Revenue Service
This guy seems to have figured out the system to his
benefit.
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2011 tax return, showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated
12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense)
is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet
seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6)
hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my
total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election
Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending
them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article
from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for
1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
* * * * * * * * * *
One day God was looking down at Earth and of the wicked behaviour going on.....
He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95%
are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something
to help keep them going..
Do you know what the e-mail said?
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
Enclosed you will find my 2011 tax return, showing that I owe
$3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper, dated
12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department of Defense)
is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid $600.00 per toilet
seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6)
hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot, bringing my
total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election
Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending
them one (1) 1.5 " Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article
from USA Today newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for
1.5" Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
* * * * * * * * * *
One day God was looking down at Earth and of the wicked behaviour going on.....
He sent one of his angels to earth to look into it.
When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on earth; 95%
are misbehaving and only 5% are not."
God was not pleased so he decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something
to help keep them going..
Do you know what the e-mail said?
NO?
Okay, I was just wondering because I didn't get one either.
* * * * * * * * * *
Jesus came across an adulterous woman crouching in a corner with a
crowd around her preparing to stone her to death. Jesus stopped them
and said, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the
adulteress. At which point Jesus looked over and said, "Mother!
Sometimes you really tick me off!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The Easter edition of the TGIF Golden Classic
A Bad Hare Day
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps
right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the
rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on
the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains.
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the
limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops
off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again.
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops
out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry.)
(Last chance.)
(OK, here it is.)
It says,
"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps
right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the
rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on
the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explains.
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
The blonde says, "Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the
limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops
off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again.
He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another
ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops
out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is
in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
It says...
(Are you ready for this?)
(Are you sure?)
(You know you're gonna be sorry.)
(Last chance.)
(OK, here it is.)
It says,
"Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
Happy Easter!!!
* * * * * * * * * *
Enjoy the full moon tonight, as well as Venus in the western sky.
Enjoy your Easter weekend! Happy Easter to all!
TGI-Jeff
