Greetings from your Friday guy, reporting from his usual spot at this time
of the week, down in the TGIF dungeon. But I’ve got some good music on
(including the “Dead”) and other bands from the 60s and 70s, and so I am
ready to boogie on down. It’s been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon - - -
errrrr, I mean Springfield; except for the fact that the creator of The
Simpsons finally revealed this week which Springfield in the USA was the
basis of the show and home to Homer and Marge and family. In fact, it was
NOT this Springfield in Vermont – which by the way, won the contest to
host the grand opening of The Simpsons Movie back in 2007. As most people
had expected, it was the
one in Oregon and my good friend out there hasn’t let me
forget this and wrote me this week wanting his money back. Not sure what
that means – but you’re not getting back the fun we all had here back
in 2007 for the grand opening. Many locals said it was the biggest
event that Springfield Vermont had hosted since 1927, when Charles
Lindbergh
flew in to our local airport for a day, just a few months after he had crossed the Atlantic. At that time, about 30,000 people went out to the airport to see him. A few weeks ago we attended a lecture here given by his daughter that was all about the writings and the memoir of her mother, Anne Morrow Lindbergh. So, maybe it hasn’t been quite so quiet here of late. The weather is improving and despite my reluctance, I did put the snow blower away in the barn for the summer. So, now I am not prepared for the snow storm that usually hits these parts in mid-April. I am optimistic that maybe this year that won’t
flew in to our local airport for a day, just a few months after he had crossed the Atlantic. At that time, about 30,000 people went out to the airport to see him. A few weeks ago we attended a lecture here given by his daughter that was all about the writings and the memoir of her mother, Anne Morrow Lindbergh. So, maybe it hasn’t been quite so quiet here of late. The weather is improving and despite my reluctance, I did put the snow blower away in the barn for the summer. So, now I am not prepared for the snow storm that usually hits these parts in mid-April. I am optimistic that maybe this year that won’t
happen. In fact, I might go for my first bike ride this
weekend, after getting my bike out of the basement, where it’s been stored
for the winter, and is now a few feet away from me as I compose this
week’s edition.
Let’s see if I can find any good material to share.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I think the future of the weekly TGIF message is in deep trouble. That is, if you, the readers, wish to see new material and never-used jokes. I just went through the contributions from the regular contributors, which means the 1% of you who frequently send me stuff (meaning the other 99% of you are “free-loaders”) of the last few
weeks and noticed that even they are sending me in a whole bunch of old material that is fit for the TGIF Golden Classic section only. So, working on the basis of “garbage in – garbage out”, here is today’s edition with a few new ones and a whole bunch of golden classics.
Top Seven Worst Website Names
1. Whorepresents.com. (Who Represents)
2. Expertsexchange.com (Experts Exchange)
3. Penisland.net. (Pen Island)
4. Therapistfinder.com. (Therapist Finder)
5. Molestationnursery.com. (Mole Station Nursery)
6. Speedofart.com. (Speed of Art)
7. Cummingfirst.com. (a site for Cumming’s First Methodist Church)
* * * * * * * * * *
50th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a
number of years being high school classmates and having attended class
reunions in the last 20 years without fail.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower threw
admiring glances across the table. The widow smiled
coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,
yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next
morning he was troubled.
Did she say Yes or did she say No He couldn't remember. Try as he
would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the
previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not
recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone
and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage
he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you
say Yes or did you say No
"Why you silly man I said, ˜Yes. yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't
remember who asked me!
* * * * * * * * * *
EVER WONDER ...
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes up at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and
put our useless junk in the garage?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* * * * * * * * * *
Sensitivity
(TGIF editor’s note: not sure why this piece has this as the subject.
But maybe you can figure that out from the content. I didn’t compose
it!)
- I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing. I converted to Islam and we’re stoning her in the morning!
- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
did .... she’s 21 and her name’s Mary.
- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
“pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23
and I’m over 60. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
class give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year!
You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
- Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use
it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It
provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers,
Potato Crisps, the lot..
- Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes;
11% said No; 72% said, “I not understanding question please.”
- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can’t afford batteries.
- A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator
says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the
ironing is piling up!”
- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been
listening.”
- My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for
the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes
back.
- I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children’s-oriented iPod, after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a
good product name.
* * * * * * * * * *
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his
body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only
skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honour
their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before. All his
friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty.
One day, he was alone with his wife and he was overcome with emotion
at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
(Editor’s Note: Now that was pretty cheeky of her!)
* * * * * * * * * *
The Hired Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."
* * * * * * * * * *
Apartment On Rent
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
with her for $5000.
They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque
and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising
that the whole event had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a cheque for $2500 and enclose the
following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $2500 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for
$2500 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady
* * * * * * * * * *
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are greedy
and impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
* * * * * * * * * *
If you enjoyed this week’s edition, you are likely either fairly new
to the TGIF crowd or are also enjoying the early onset stage of
dementia.
People: you need to provide me some new material, in addition to the
old stuff that’s been around for ages. Please note that I do not need
to receive the Church Bulletin one, and many others that are “older
than the hills”!
My daughter tells me not to yell at you too much or I won’t get
anything, so I’ll shut my trap now.
Hope you all have prepared your taxes for submission (US citizens) in
a few days and please, all of you be careful today as it is Friday the
13th!
Hope you survive the day and then have a great weekend! See ya next
week if I get some new material and/or a foot of snow doesn’t fall on
us here.
TGI-Jeff
Let’s see if I can find any good material to share.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
I think the future of the weekly TGIF message is in deep trouble. That is, if you, the readers, wish to see new material and never-used jokes. I just went through the contributions from the regular contributors, which means the 1% of you who frequently send me stuff (meaning the other 99% of you are “free-loaders”) of the last few
weeks and noticed that even they are sending me in a whole bunch of old material that is fit for the TGIF Golden Classic section only. So, working on the basis of “garbage in – garbage out”, here is today’s edition with a few new ones and a whole bunch of golden classics.
Top Seven Worst Website Names
1. Whorepresents.com. (Who Represents)
2. Expertsexchange.com (Experts Exchange)
3. Penisland.net. (Pen Island)
4. Therapistfinder.com. (Therapist Finder)
5. Molestationnursery.com. (Mole Station Nursery)
6. Speedofart.com. (Speed of Art)
7. Cummingfirst.com. (a site for Cumming’s First Methodist Church)
* * * * * * * * * *
50th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a
number of years being high school classmates and having attended class
reunions in the last 20 years without fail.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower threw
admiring glances across the table. The widow smiled
coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,
yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next
morning he was troubled.
Did she say Yes or did she say No He couldn't remember. Try as he
would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the
previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not
recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone
and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage
he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you
say Yes or did you say No
"Why you silly man I said, ˜Yes. yes I will. And I meant it with all my heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't
remember who asked me!
* * * * * * * * * *
EVER WONDER ...
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the
store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes up at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and
put our useless junk in the garage?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavouring, and dishwashing
liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
* * * * * * * * * *
Sensitivity
(TGIF editor’s note: not sure why this piece has this as the subject.
But maybe you can figure that out from the content. I didn’t compose
it!)
- I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole
thing. I converted to Islam and we’re stoning her in the morning!
- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
did .... she’s 21 and her name’s Mary.
- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
“pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23
and I’m over 60. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his
class give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year!
You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
- Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only use
it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It
provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers,
Potato Crisps, the lot..
- Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes;
11% said No; 72% said, “I not understanding question please.”
- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can’t afford batteries.
- A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator
says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but the
ironing is piling up!”
- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she
would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been
listening.”
- My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for
the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes
back.
- I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children’s-oriented iPod, after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a
good product name.
* * * * * * * * * *
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his
body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only
skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
from her buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where
the skin came from and they requested that the doctor also honour
their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before. All his
friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty.
One day, he was alone with his wife and he was overcome with emotion
at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'
'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
(Editor’s Note: Now that was pretty cheeky of her!)
* * * * * * * * * *
The Hired Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but
knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand..
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra..." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired."
* * * * * * * * * *
Apartment On Rent
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the afternoon
with her for $5000.
They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not
have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque
and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realising
that the whole event had not been worth the price.
So he had his secretary send a cheque for $2500 and enclose the
following typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $2500 for rent of your apartment.
I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the
place, I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat; and
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the cheque for
$2500 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
First, I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if
you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your
present landlady
* * * * * * * * * *
The Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit
the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first
floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking
and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help
with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the
sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are greedy
and impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives
store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
* * * * * * * * * *
If you enjoyed this week’s edition, you are likely either fairly new
to the TGIF crowd or are also enjoying the early onset stage of
dementia.
People: you need to provide me some new material, in addition to the
old stuff that’s been around for ages. Please note that I do not need
to receive the Church Bulletin one, and many others that are “older
than the hills”!
My daughter tells me not to yell at you too much or I won’t get
anything, so I’ll shut my trap now.
Hope you all have prepared your taxes for submission (US citizens) in
a few days and please, all of you be careful today as it is Friday the
13th!
Hope you survive the day and then have a great weekend! See ya next
week if I get some new material and/or a foot of snow doesn’t fall on
us here.
TGI-Jeff
