Greetings from Mud Season in Vermont. You may have
noticed that you did not receive a message from me last Friday. I was too busy
enjoying July weather in the middle of March. We had 5 straight days of 80s
temperatures (28 to 30 degrees C.) and I put away my skis and got out my golf
clubs. My ski area closed early this past Sunday (about a month ahead of last
year) and my golf club opened the previous weekend, which was more than one
month ahead of last year. In fact, last year I played golf on opening day here
on April 21st and I had to wear winter gloves and earmuffs. Then, it started
snowing during my round. I walked and played 9 holes on 3 consecutive days last
week, although the ground is pretty wet and squishy. Well, seasonal March
weather returned over last weekend and so now, it’s too late to ski and too
cold to play golf. And it’s definitely too muddy to ride the back (unpaved)
roads. I used to tell my international friends that Vermont is a five season
state. The four typical ones and then the one we have here between winter and
spring – which is, of course, mud season. But there are two more, as well:
black fly season, which is somewhere between mud season and spring, and then
there is “hunting season” during the last quarter of the year – between fall
and winter.
I haven’t got out my road bike yet, nor the mower and I
haven’t put away my snow blower yet. Why? Because I know that there is going to
be one more snow fall before our relatively short spring season really blooms.
I imagine the town road crews are really anxious now as they don’t know whether
to bring out the street sweepers to clean up all the sand they dumped on the
icy roads this winter or wait for that last snowfall, that is sure to come,
sometime between now and the middle of April.
So, it most certainly is global warming (and climate
change) that we are experiencing as well as the normal March Madness. Some of
you may have wondered how I’m doing on my NCAA men’s basketball brackets. I
mentioned a few weeks ago that I started out on the first day almost perfect.
Well, I haven’t kept that record but I’ve done comparatively well in our local
paper’s (RH) competition with 39 wins (that is with a total of 64 teams and now
after 60 games). There are 4 teams left and I have 2 of them, Kentucky and Ohio
State. I have Kentucky winning it all and that is a very good possibility. The
semi-finals are Saturday and the final game is Monday night.
Let’s see what you all have contributed that is good
and/or new and fit to print. I must admit that I also enjoy seeing the stuff
you all send that is not fit to print. You know, I’d like to but it’s hard to
get it by my censor.
Looks like I’ve got a few contributions on the game of
golf, appropriately enough.
"May the ball lie in green pastures, and not in
still waters or small
round sandy regions"----- Amen! HAPPY GOLFING!!!
The Gospel According to St. Titleist
1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about
your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across a desk.
~ Grantland Rice
2 Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how
childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count
past five.
~ John Updike
3. It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place
the world is when one is playing golf.
~ Robert Lynd
4. If profanity had any influence on the flight of the
ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it is.
~ Horace G. Hutchinson
5. They say golf is like life, but don't believe
them. Golf is more complicated than that.
~ Gardner Dickinson
6. If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly
as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death.
~ Sam Snead
7. Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
~ William Wordswort
8. If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
~ Dean Martin
9. If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw
it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back
to pick it up.
~ Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels
personally responsible when he makes a hole-in-one.
~ Bishop Sheen
11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew
tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
~ Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons.
~ Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if
somebody would put a flag stick on top.
~ Pete Dye
14. I'm hitting the woods just great, but having a
terrible time getting out of them!
~ Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is
playing golf.
~ Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try
picking up the wrong golf ball.
~ Jack Lemmon
17. Its good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls
while they are still rolling.
~ Mark Twain
18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are
plenty.
~ Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy
without being good at either of them.
~ Raymond Willis
20. May the ball lie in green pastures, and not in still
waters or small round sandy regions.
~ Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left,
it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle.
~ All Us Hackers
22 The difference in golf and government is that in golf
you can't improve your lie.
~
George Deukmejian
AND
FINALLY................
23. Remember Golf is a game invented by the same people
who think music comes out of a bagpipe.
~
Lee Trevino
* * * * * * * * * *
A Moral Dilemma/Golf Ethics Issue
Here is a golf ethics question for you.
What if you were playing in the club championship
tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the
honour and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the
fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his
ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the
golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just
before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says:
"Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll
concede the match."
You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping
about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear
your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The
second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the
ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more
than six inches from the hole.
Now here is the ethical dilemma:
Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your
pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut.
* * * * * * * * * *
The Ambidextrous Golfer
A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning
round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.
A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys
talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my
golf team in college and I was pretty good. Would you mind if I joined you next
week?"
The three guys looked at each other. Not one of them
wanted to say 'yes', but she had them on the spot. Finally, one man said it
would be okay, but they would be starting early - at 6:30 a.m.
He figured the early tee-time would discourage her. The
woman said this may be a problem, and asked if she could be up to 15 minutes
late. They rolled their eyes, but said okay. She smiled and said, "Good,
I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."
She showed up at 6:30 sharp, and beat all three of them
with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She was fun and a pleasant person, and
the guys were impressed. Back at the clubhouse, they congratulated her and
invited her back the next week. She smiled, and said, "I'll be there at
6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again showed up at 6:30 sharp. Only
this time, she played left-handed. The three guys were incredulous as she still
beat them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They were
totally amazed.
They couldn't figure her out. She was again very pleasant
and didn't seem to be purposely showing them up. They invited her back again,
but each man harbored a burning desire to beat her.
The third week, the guys had their game faces on. But
this time, she was 15 minutes late, which made the guys irritable. This week
the lady played right-handed, and narrowly beat all three of them.
The men mused that her late arrival was due to petty
gamesmanship on her part. However, she was so gracious and so complimentary of
their strong play, they couldn't hold a grudge.
Back in the clubhouse, all three guys were shaking their
heads. This woman was a riddle no one could figure out. They had a couple of
beers, and finally, one of the men asked her point blank, "How do you
decide if you're going to golf right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushed, and grinned. "That's easy,"
she said. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was
ambidextrous. I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after
college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. From then on, I
developed a silly habit. Right before I left in the morning for golf practice,
I would pull the covers off him. If his you-know-what was pointing to the
right, I golfed right-handed; if it was pointed to the left, I golfed
left-handed."
The guys on the team thought this was hysterical. Astonished
at this bizarre information, one of the guys shot back, "But what if it's
pointing straight up?"
She said, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
* * * * * * * * * *
An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not
seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn't take long
before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in
Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell
has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the
engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan and says with a
sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?" Satan replies: "Hey, things
are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And
there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an
engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him
to me."
"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like
having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"
God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right.
And where are you going to get a lawyer?"
* * * * * * * * * *
WARNING - A New Nile Virus
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail
virus. Even the most advanced programs
from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born
prior to 1965 ...
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it
to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've
finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of
"SEND".
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should
"DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Hmmm.....have I sent this to you already, or did you just
send it to me?
* * * * * * * * * *
Here is one sent in from my friend in South Africa. I’m
not familiar with “Build It” stores but I assume they must be like our Home
Depots.
The Hinge
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of
the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to BUILD-IT and
pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a
customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom tap.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How
much is that Bath Tap?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold-plated Bath Tap
and the price is R 3,450.”
Mary exclaimed, “My goodness; that is a very expensive
tap. It's certainly out of my price bracket.”
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had
sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into
the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled, “Ma'am, do you
wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, “No, but
I will for the Bath Tap.”
This is why you can't send women to BUILD-IT.
* * * * * * * * * *
How Do You Cure Snoring?
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't
sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help.
The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's
testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep.
Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a
piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure
enough, the dog stops snoring.
The woman is amazed.
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from
being out drinking with his buddies.
He climbs into bed, falls asleep and immediately begins
snoring loudly.
The woman decides maybe the ribbon might work on him. So,
she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around
her husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles
into the bathroom.
As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the
mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.
He is very confused, and as he walks back into the
bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I
don't know where we were or what we did, but, we took FIRST and SECOND place!
* * * * * * * * * *
Irish Lent
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry,
walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his
eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table,
alone.
An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and
orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again
orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is
whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers.
Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject
on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are
wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You
see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia.
We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever
we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this
answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and
source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would
come to watch him drink.
Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two
beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest
of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town.
Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks
around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of
your brother. You know-the two beers and all"
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies,
"You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's
just that I, meself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
* * * * * * * * * *
Don’t know what you’ve given up for Lent, but I hope it’s
not beer or golf.
Time to wish you all a Happy End of the Week and a very
nice weekend, as usual!
Until next Friday, be good, and if you can’t be good, be
careful!
TGI-Jeff
