Greetings to all my Friday friends and I apologize for not finding the time to edit and issue one of these messages since early May. You know that I don’t get paid enough to do this hobby, although I do enjoy it when I make time for it. And I love hearing from you all as a result.
It’s been a good summer here in Vermont. I did get called for jury duty a few months ago. I have to be available for serving on 3 short civil suits in July, August and September. I appeared at the county courthouse in July and was selected as a possible juror in that case. I didn’t know a single person in the courtroom; that is, until the defendant walked in. When the prosecuting attorney asked us if we knew his client or the defendant, I raised my hand. I said that I knew the defendant and his family; even that I had dated his aunt when in high school. Needless to say, I was excused from that jury. Last month, I returned for the second jury selection. This time I also knew the defendant and was therefore excused. It seems that I don’t hang out with the right crowd! My third opportunity to serve on a jury will be at the end of September. This time I hope I don’t know the defendant so that I can have the experience of serving on a jury. I was summoned a few times when I was working overseas with WFP and was excused. So, I never had the experience. It’s our civic duty, right?! With my first summons, I had to fill out a questionnaire. One of the questions was asking if I had ever held a position to oversee numerous employees. I responded yes. Then, it asked how many. I responded 250. (That was in Sri Lanka in 2005 following the Indian Ocean Tsunami.). That probably raised a few eyebrows. I wondered if that would lead to my being selected as foreman of the jury. Except that I knew the defendants. Let’s see what happens in the September case!
I now have to give a shout out to my daughter and son-in-law today as it is their 10th wedding anniversary! It doesn’t seem possible that they have been married that long. And now they have a 4-month-old baby girl, Ava Sue Helen Hurt. Sue was Pam’s middle name and Helen was my mother’s name. Those were 2 very important women in Joya’s life, in addition to her granny Barbara Taft. But how many names can you give a kid? It reminds me of what my dad told me once. He was Robert and as a kid everyone called him Bobby. His dad was Joseph and my dad thought that when kids got older that they were given an adult name, like Joseph.
That also reminds me of a true story that my dad shared with me about names. During the depression (he graduated from HS in 1935 in the midst of the Depression) he went to Oregon to work in one of FDR’s programs to provide employment (the Civil Conservation Corps) and he was working in national parks, creating roads, planting trees and making hiking trails. They lived in cabins and were paid $30 per month. Twenty-five was sent home to his parents and he got $5. All room and board were covered by the program. He met another guy who became a life-long friend. When they introduced each other, my dad said that he was Bob Dick. The other guy asked if his name was Bob or Dick, my dad replied “Both” and from then on for 70 years that guy called my dad Both.
Dianne and I head off to Maine tomorrow for our annual week on the coast there near Kennebunk. I look forward to the walks on the beach and good seafood. We will be on Goose Rocks Beach. That is a place that is one of Dianne’s favorite places on this Earth.
So, let’s see what Debba has provided us for this issue. Thanks, Debba! What would we do without you?!
MAGA
A new president (Trump) is chosen. That night, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. Trump asks him "What can I do to make the country even greater?". FDR responds: "Do everything for the people". The president wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath.
The next night, George Washington appears in the dreams of the new president. He asks, "What can I do to make the USA even greater?", to which GW responds, "Never tell a lie". Trump wakes up startled, and curses under his breath. "That's not possible!”
The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the president’s dreams. Trump asks, "What can I do to make this country even greater?" Abraham looks at Trump, scratches his beard, and takes a while to answer. "Visit a theater."
* * * * * * * *
Search Dog
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog. His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
"Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
"I like it!" says his seat mate. The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?”
The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"
* * * * * * * *
Fortune Telling Machine
A nun was flying to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune.
So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me." She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 118 lbs., and you are going to Chicago, Illinois.”
She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing; but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 118 lbs. You're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you are going to play a fiddle.”
The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!”
Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in, and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 118 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind.”
Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales, and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time.”
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in, and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 118 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"
* * * * * * * *
Bird Riddles
What bird can do more than others? A Pelican.
What two birds met in the insane asylum? A Cuckoo and a Loon.
What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man's favorite bird? A Swallow.
What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron.
What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can't walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven!
* * * * * * * *
Best Jokes in the Animal Kingdom
The animal kingdom had become overpopulated. The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: A joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and if he laughs, you can stay, but if he does not, you are banished. The competition would continue until the population of the kingdom was reduced in half. All the animals spent the rest of the week preparing. Never before in the animal kingdom had so much original content been created. Jokes upon jokes were imagined, tweaked, and committed to memory. The animals worked tirelessly, until finally, the joke telling day came. All the animals were gathered in a great assembly.
Before animals were chosen at random to present their jokes, an offer was extended to any animal who thought they had a truly exception joke. The zebra volunteered almost immediately. It was not very often that he got to go first at anything because of that whole pesky "Z" thing. Additionally, he felt that his joke was quite funny and wanted to make sure that he got a chance to present it to the tortoise before the tortoise was tired of laughing. He nervously approached the podium and presented his material. It was short, sweet, and had an excellent punchline. To the zebra’s relief, the whole animal kingdom erupted in a roar of laughter, and it fact, it took several minutes for everyone to calm down... ...except for the tortoise. Without emotion, he just stared back at the zebra. The zebra was shocked, the rest of the kingdom astonished, but sadly, everyone knew what this meant. The zebra was escorted away, never to be seen again.
It came time for the second animal to give his joke. Again, they polled for volunteers, and after some hesitation, the chimpanzee raised his hand. The chimp figured it had a good repertoire of making others laugh, and while the tortoise was apparently a tough crowd, he figured he probably had a decent shot. He had worked hard on this and had about a five-minute act. The chimp's animatedly presented his finest material. It was a bit song, a bit dance, and a ton of humor. The kingdom chuckled throughout the act, but when the chimp dropped his final punchline, the kingdom went berserk. Never before had such a funny joke been told: the whole act, while funny in itself, was the perfect setup to the final line. This was not a joke, it was a work of art. Once everyone had again calmed down, all eyes were on the tortoise. He was unmoved. The chimp was astonished, the kingdom flabbergasted. The chimp was escorted away.
At this, no one dared to volunteer. Two masters of the craft were just set away. How could anyone compete? There was silence across the animal kingdom. Everyone felt the weight of the impending doom that was their fate. There were no more volunteers, their only hope was to not be called. All they could do was wait.
It was then than the bison was called. He lumbered up to the front. He took a big gulp; he knew he really wasn't good at joke telling anyway and was pretty sure that he was destined to fail He hesitated, stuttered, stammered, but presented his joke to the best of his ability anyway. When the punchline was delivered, (or at least what seemed to have been whatever punchline there could have been at such a scenario,) there was a collective moan over the kingdom. The joke, (was it even a joke?) was horrible. Everyone knew that he would be escorted away to his...wait, what?
The tortoise! He began to chuckle. Not just a "heh" chuckle, this was a real chuckle. Not a chuckle, this was a lough! Then more and more! He was laughing so hard he was having a hard time catching his breath. How could this be? Did the tortoise have some strange sense of humor? Why was he laughing at this? Was he senile? The kingdom was sent into confusion.
Finally the lion interjected. "SILENCE!" he shouted. He addressed the judge: "Oh wise and fair tortoise, why is it that you find the bison's joke so humorous, but none of the other animals' jokes?”
"What Bison?" replied the tortoise. "I was laughing at the zebra's joke!"
* * * * * * * *
Russian Sculptor
Many years ago, a smart old sculptor was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union and emigrate to the United States where his son lived. When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?”
Old man: "What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker’s paradise!”
The official smiled and let the old man through. The old man arrived at JFK airport, where an American customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: "What is that?" Old man:" What is that? What is that?! Do not say ‟What is that?” say ‟Who is that?” That is Lenin! The bastard! I’ll put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from having a good life.”
The official smiled and let him through. When he arrived at his family’s house in Brooklyn, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: "Who is that, grandpa?”
Old man: "Who is that? Who is that?! Don’t say ‟Who is that?” say ‟What is that?” That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!"
* * * * * * * *
Grandma’s Boyfriend
A 5-year-old girl went to visit her grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked: "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?”
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. "The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little girl heard the doorbell ring, so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello young lady. Is your grandma home?”
The little girl replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
* * * * * * * *
That one reminds of the old Phyliss Diller joke. She was in the kitchen, trying to get the rest of the ketchup out of the bottle by hitting hit hard on the bottom, when the doorbell rang and her daughter went to answer the door. It was her principal. He asked if her mother was there. She said that she was. She was in the kitchen hitting the bottle!
* * * * * * * *
What Separates Us from the Animals?
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Brit are debating philosophy. The question arises: what separates man from the animals?
"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts.”
"I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience.”
"I say it's art," claims the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to experience deep emotion when viewing a beautiful piece of art.”
The Brit sits quietly sipping his tea. After several minutes the annoyed Frenchman says, "Well, what about you, limey? What do you think separates man from the animals?”
And the Brit says, "The English Channel."
* * * * * * * *
So, it’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic:
The Dentist and Viagra
The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!”
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills”.
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet”.
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
* * * * * * * *
It’s hard to believe that summer is coming to an end. I always look forward to it and wish that it would last longer than it does. But I do love living in Vermont and I guess this is what I have to accept. That winters are longer, and summers are shorter.
Wherever you are, I hope you are enjoying the end of summer and looking forward to a nice fall.
I wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. And for those of you in the good ole USA, a happy Labor Day!
Until the next time, whenever that might be, take care of yourselves. Peace!
Now, it’s time to have my Spotify play Soul Sacrifice to end this edition just like I used to.
TGI-Jeff
