Greetings from your infrequent Friday jokes guy. I can’t take all the blame. I only have about 5 people contributing to my TGIF joke bag and that means it takes some time to gather enough material to be able to use in a Friday message. Do you get the hint?
I am drafting this on Thursday night, April 30th, and as Burma Shave reminds us, “Thirty Days Hath September, April, June and the Speed Offender.”
So that means that tomorrow, Friday, is the First of May. It’s an international holiday, recognizing workers. But, not so much here in the USA. Here, we just used to dance around the May Pole on this day. So, some of you international friends “may” even have the day off.
It’s also the day that I start taking drugs to fend off springtime allergies.
There is a reason that I have fostered the energy this week to try and put together enough material to issue a TGIF message as I have some fantastic family news to share with you. My daughter, Joya, delivered a 5 pound 5 ounce baby girl on early Wednesday morning. Her name is Ava Sue Helen Hurt. Joya, Chris and Ava are all doing well. We’ve had a few FaceTime chats with them, and we are all over the moon. She now has dark blue eyes (likely will change) and she is so cute. We see both Joya and Chris in her face. It’s hard being so far away from them now, but we are so happy for them. I will likely go there in October, maybe with my oldest son, Jonathan. Then, Joya, Chris and Ava will be coming home to the US at the end of December for a while. Joya will then be promoting her book that will be published in January.
It’s hard to top this news!
On the local front, we’ve had a relatively dry Spring (we are experiencing drought conditions) and so not much of a mud season. In fact, our golf course opened on April 18th and I played that day and twice since then. The course is in great shape, and I’ve been playing pretty well – that is – playing “bogey golf”. A few pars, a lot of bogeys, a few double bogeys, and even an occasional birdie! Plus, it’s good exercise and taking in good fresh air!
I request that if you have any personal messages to me, as a result of the above news, (not the golf news!), I request that you send me a separate email, not just respond to this TGIF message.
Let’s see what we have today. I still get a lot of stuff that I cannot easily share, unless I type out the material myself, and, to be honest, even though I’m retired, I DO NOT GET PAID enough to do that!
Here are some good short ones to get us started:
Don’t worry about getting older! You’ll still dumb stuff, just more slowly!
Husband to Wife: “For the last 28 years, all you’ve done is find mistakes is what I say”.
Wife to Husband: “29 years!”
The leading cause of injury in old men is them still thinking that they’re young.
John to his friend Joe: “I just got some new hearing aids for $7,000.”
Joe: “What kind is it?”
John: “12:30.”
I must say that I had an audiology test done a few months ago. Dianne encouraged me to do that as she thought I was getting hard of hearing. I tried to convince her that the problem might not be a hearing one, but a listening one. She wasn’t convinced so I had the test done. Sure enough, I do have hearing loss and so I have purchased hearing aids. They are so hi-tech now that I can play music on them. Unfortunately, Dianne can’t tell if I am listening to the radio or music on them, so I don’t often hear HER very well in that case. So, I’m not sure that she is satisfied with the outcome. We’ve agreed that I will wear a hat if I’m listening to music or the radio.
* * * * * * * *
Must Be True Love
A couple of drunk customers at the Lone Bucket Bar started talking about their spouses. This talk, being held by drunk men, quickly devolved into a competition of whose wife loves him the most.
At a certain point, a regular named Dave pulled up a stool and announced, “My wife must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
“What makes you say that?” inquired the bartender.
Dave beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work...She was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
* * * * * * * *
Fire!
Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there.
The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket. The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out.”
The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants.”
While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires.
They both scream, "What are you doing?!?”
"Trying to get an adequate sample size!"
* * * * * * * *
Don’t Judge a Book By It’s Cover
A Catholic priest was riding on a train. An obviously drunk man stumbled in carrying a newspaper and reeking of cheap perfume and cigar smoke. He sat near the priest and read his newspaper. After a few minutes the drunk looked up and said “Father! Can you tell me what causes arthritis?”
The priest snapped “It’s from too much drinking, smoking, and cavorting with loose women!”
The drunk looked stunned. “Well, I’ll be damned.”
After a few minutes, the priest felt bad and said “Forgive me my son. I didn’t mean to make light of your condition.”
“Ain’t me, Father,” said the drunk. “I just read that the Pope has it.
* * * * * * * *
A Close Shave
Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each was being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, “No, thanks. My wife, Melania, will smell that and think I’ve been in a brothel.”
The second barber turned to Barack and said, “How about you, Mr. Obama?”
Barack replied, “Go right ahead. My wife, Michelle, doesn’t know what the inside of a brother smells like."
* * * * * * * *
A Crazy Idea!
Two men are in an insane asylum and one night, they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! They get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight to freedom.
The first man jumps right across with no problem. But his friend didn’t dare make the leap, afraid of falling. So then, the first man has an idea… He says, 'Hey! I have my flashlight with me! I’ll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!’
The second man immediately spots the problem with this and shakes his head. "What do you think I am? Crazy? You’d turn it off when I was halfway across!"
* * * * * * * *
Traffic Stop
A lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by the sheriff.
"Ma'am, I have to warn you, you have a broken stake on your wheel," says the sheriff.
"Oh dear. I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," she replies.
"That's fine," he continues. "Another thing, ma'am... I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that terrible cruelty to the animal. Have your husband take care of that right away.”
The woman thanks him and drives home. Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the sheriff.
"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked the husband.
"He said a stake is broken," replied the lady. "I can fix that in a heartbeat,” said the husband.
"What else?" The wife replied: "I'm not sure, Jacob - something to do with the emergency brakes."
* * * * * * * *
Alligators
While sports fishing off the Florida coast in Key West, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber walking on the shore, the tourist shouted, “There wouldn’t by chance be any alligators in these waters?!” he asks in panic.
“No,” the old man hollered back, “haven’t been any for years!”
Feeling relieved, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway toward shore he asked the old man, “Say, how’d you get rid of the gators, anyway?”
“We didn’t do anything,” the old man said. “The sharks got ’em.”
* * * * * * * * *
Taters – A Love Story
A girl potato and a boy potato had eyes for each other and got married. They had a little sweet potato whom they named " Yam ". They loved her, and when the time was right, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked so she wouldn't get mashed and get a bad name for herself like "Hot Potato" and end up having a bunch of un-planned tator tots, but not sit at home and become a couch potato either, get plenty of exercise and not be a shoestring.
When she went to Europe, they told her to watch out for the hard boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy ones from France.
When she went out west, they warned her about the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
She agreed to stay on the straight and narrow and not associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the bad girls known as Frito Lays.
Mr. and Mrs.Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (Potato University) with high hopes, but in spite of all they did for her she came home and announced she was marrying Tom Brokaw.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw,
because he was just a ..................COMMON-TATOR!!
* * * * * * * *
The Confessional
A man goes to the Confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f**king putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
* * * * * * * *
The New Baby
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit. ‘
May I see the new baby?' I asked.
'Not yet,' she said. 'I'll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.’
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?’
'No, not yet,' she said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?’
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?’
'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.
'When he Cries??' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’
'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, OK?!'
* * * * * * * *
I assume that, despite their relative advanced parental ages, Chris and Joya will know at all times where Ava is!
It’s time to wrap this up and wish you all a Happy May Day, Fantastic Friday and a Wonderful Weekend!
Yours truly,
TGI-Jeff
