Greetings on this last day of the work week in the middle of July. Thank God, some of you say. As for me, it’s just another of the 7 days of the week. But I still consider it a bit special!
I thank the many of you who responded quite positively to my last message of two weeks ago. I never know which issues will be well received – but apparently that one was, and so I’m happy for that!
Humor is very important in our lives and our ability to not take ourselves too seriously is also very important. I think that Dianne and I are getting along so well because we each have a good sense of humor and we make each other laugh frequently. I hope that continues after our nuptials which are now less than 4 weeks away. Since we know that men hope that their wives stay the same after the wedding, while women hope the husbands will change (for the better, I assume).
I’ve been enjoying watching or listening to the January 6th Hearings. It has been educational and very informative! I just wish the conservative republicans would watch it as well. I do try to stay away from taking political stands in my Friday messages; however, enough is enough! I hope the Department of Justice does pursue some of these issues. Otherwise, I fear for our country’s future.
Meanwhile, inflation is a real issue and the price of foods and fuel are increasing.
Are you sweating while putting gas into your car?
Feeling sick while paying for it?
You probably have the “carownervirus”!
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A Yard Sale – Really?
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly, he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then, he noticed another couple over behind a tree. There was yet another couple doing the nasty behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.
A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel. Do you want to get in on the action, honey?" asked the madam.
"Nah. I’m not into that, thanks,” he replied, “but I was just wondering what the heck is going on out here on the lawn!”
"Oh, that! Said the Madam, "we're having a yard sale today."
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I asked a supermarket employee where they kept the canned peaches. He said, "I'll see," and walked away. I asked another and he also said,
"I'll see," and walked away. In the end, I gave up and found them myself, in Aisle C.
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I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
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What do you call the wife of a hippie? A Mississippi.
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FEW women admit their age; VERY few men act theirs.
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When I was a kid, I used to watch the Wizard of Oz and wonder how someone could talk if they didn't have a brain. Then I got Facebook!!
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As I watch this generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of ...... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
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Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, "That can't be accurate!!!
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I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
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Apparently RSVPing to a wedding invitation, "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.
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A guy walks into a lumberyard and asks for some 2x4s.
The clerk asks, "How long do you need them?" The guy answers, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."
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Don't stress about your eyesight failing as you get older. It's nature's way of protecting you from shock as you walk past the mirror.
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I just burned 1200 calories. I forgot the pizza in the oven.
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Thanks for teaching me the meaning of "plethora." It means a lot.
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Eh?
A priest was approached one night by Satan himself.
"Do not be frightened," said Satan. "I have an offer to make. I will make you tremendously powerful, famous and rich in return for just one small favour: half of your ability to hear."
The priest was stunned. "Let me think about it for a few days." The next morning, the priest requested to meet the bishop. "Your Excellency, I need your advice for a temptation I have been given!" He told over his strange encounter.
The bishop was shocked. "A deal with Satan?! Do not do it, it will destroy your soul!" But he could see the priest was not convinced. So the bishop arranged a meeting with the archbishop.
"Your Excellency, this priest has an urgent matter he needs advice about!" He told over the story.
The archbishop bowed his head in silent prayer, and after a few moments responded. "Firstly, your hearing is a gift from God. It would be forbidden to sacrifice any part of it. Secondly, a deal with Satan?!? Never do it!"
But the priest wasn't convinced. He was imagining all the wealth, fame and power he'd receive. So the archbishop requested an audience with the Pope. The three of them came into the Papal office in great awe. They sat, and the archbishop spoke.
"Your Holiness, this priest has a terrible temptation and needs advice!"
"Sorry," said the Pope, "could you speak a little louder?"
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ANDY ROONEY ON SEX!
1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.
6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.
8. Virginity can be cured.
9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
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American Hell or Russian Hell?
An American and a Russian, who have sinned much in their life, both die in a car accident and go to Hell at the same time. They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell. Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest amenities here in Hell, whatever your heart desires, you can find it here! However, you have to eat a shovel-full of manure each morning, but then you're free to do whatever you'd like. Russian hell is basically the same, but you have to eat TWO shovels full of manure before your start your day. The American is quick to choose American hell, but is flabbergasted when the Russian chooses to go to Russian hell.
Several eons later the American bumps into the Russian and says "My Russian friend, Hell wasn't what I thought at all! Every day I play a round of golf on a beautiful golf course. I hang out with my friends at an amazing social club until late in the afternoon. I meet the most beautiful and charming women. Every night I have an incredible steak dinner at a Michelin Star restaurant. I honestly don't mind eating the shovel-full of manure in the morning anymore. I mean, it's no picnic, but you get used to it. One thing has bothered me all this time though, why did you choose to go to Russian Hell? Was it a mistake?"
The Russian shrugs: "No mistake. This is Russian Hell, most of the time there is no Shovel, and the rest of the time there is no manure."
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Albert Einstein
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech-making.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times, I'll bet I could give it for you."
Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly. Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about antimatter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.
Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
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Barbie Doll
One day a father gets out of work, and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He dashes over to a toy shop and asks the sales person: "how much for one of those Barbies in the display window?"
The salesperson returns: "which one do you mean, Sir? We have Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $199.95."
The amazed father asks: "how much?! Why is the divorced Barbie $199.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The annoyed salesperson sighs and answers: "Sir, the other Barbies only come with an outfit. Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer and one of Ken's best friends."
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It’s time to bring this one to a close. I wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
