Greetings on this last day of the work week and getting near the end of summer. It was a weird Covid-19-affected summer and seems strange that it is already ending. The cool weather has arrived and while we here in Vermont do enjoy our colorful autumns, it seems a bit sad to already be saying goodbye to this weird summer of 2020. But time and the seasons march on. I just purchased and had delivered 2 tons of wood pellets for my stove to use this winter and, given the cool temps and my reluctance to turn on the furnace already, I started my wood pellet stove up this evening for the first time since early April. It feels cozy as the temperatures in recent days outside have been in the 40s and low 50s. There is a possibility of frost in some northern regions of Vermont tonight.
It was a sad week as my son’s father-in-law passed away last Saturday. His funeral was on Tuesday and many of his family and friends who could not attend in person, were able to hear the service on zoom. What a wonderful man, friend, husband, father and mentor to many Larry was. The tributes paid to him were really heart-warming. He will be missed by so many. I’m glad that I got to know him in the last 2 years and that he was able to attend and enjoy his daughter’s wedding a few weeks ago.
I had not planned on doing a TGIF this week, but found enough material, even if much of it is old stuff, to use to hopefully brighten your days during this pandemic.
So, let’s dive into the joke bag of stuff you all contribute:
Who Has The Worst Marriage?
Three married men are sitting in a pool club and arguing over who has the worst marriage. One of the men says, "I have it the worst. My prudish wife won’t sleep with me more than once a month! She refuses!"
The other men shake their heads. One of them asks, "What did you do about it?"
The man says, "I slept with that horny blonde over there by the pool table. Unlike my wife, she’ll do anything."
The men laugh.
The second man says, "You think that’s bad? My uptight wife won’t even sleep with me once a year!"
The other men shake their heads and one of them asks, "So, what did you do about it?"
The man says, "I get my rocks off with that same slutty blond over there by the pool table. She’ll literally do any guy."
The men laugh, then the third man says, "That’s too bad for you guys, but honestly, I definitely have it the worst."
The men say, "What’s the problem with your wife?"
The man says, "Well, for one, she’s always down here playing pool . . ."
* * * * * * * *
The Cab Driver and Brian
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."
* * * * * * * *
Little Johnny is Back
Little Johnny meets Justin Trudeau.
Justin Trudeau was visiting a primary school in Calgary and visited a grade four class.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mr. Trudeau if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.'
So - our illustrious Prime Minister asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Trudeau, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff,
killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explained Trudeau. "That's what we would call great loss."
The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trudeau searched the room.
"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.
In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile
and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed Trudeau, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ...
and you can bet your dumb ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"
The teacher left the room.
* * * * * * * *
Jewish Humor
A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed
his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.
”Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live over in Jaffa," he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and
gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you
know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?"
* * * * * * * *
More Jewish Humor
Do We Know Each Other?
Two men are standing at the urinal, doing their business, when one starts to strike up a conversation.
"Excuse me, sir, do you happen to be Jewish?"
"Yes, indeed I am."
"And do you happen to be from Krakow?"
"Yes, how do you know?"
"And you always went to the little synagogue in the Pitliwsky Road?"
"Yes, do we know each other?"
"No, but Rabbi Goldberg was responsible for the Bris there, and he was infamous for not being able to make a straight cut."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"You’re peeing on my shoes."
* * * * * * * *
The TGIF Golden Classic for this week:
Britain is Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To The citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Arkansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager.
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us. No more Orange Bowl, Rose Bowl, Cereal Bowl or Super Bowl. From now on..... get used to the World Cup.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
John Cleese
* * * * * * * *
I always loved John Cleese and his sense of humor. Faulty Towers was one of my favorites.
I used to draft the weekly TGIF message when I was working for WFP on Thursday evening after everyone went home and I was alone in the office. I’d put on music to play when I edited the issue and the last song I would play usually ended up being Santana’s Soul Sacrifice and when it ended, I had finished the TGIF for that week and saved it in my drafts folder to send out on Friday morning. So, I now am playing Soul Sacrifice for old time’s sake and will now end this edition.
Take care, stay safe and healthy and see you soon.
TGI-Jeff
