Greetings from your Friday guy on this first Friday of October. I was not planning on doing a TGIF this week, although I did have some material to possibly use. And I had a nice dinner with Dianne last night which impeded me from drafting a TGIF then. However, I have found some time this morning while I am awaiting repairs on my vehicle in order to draft this. Lucky You!
The somewhat surprising news early this morning is that President Trump and his wife have tested positive for the Coronavirus, as has some of the White House staff. With only a month to go before the election, it will be interesting to see how The Donald manages this, let alone keep from falling seriously ill. I think that 2020 has been a crazy year and that it is about to get crazier!
But, for the rest of us, there is now a new home test available.
A New Home Covid-19 Test!
Here is the latest coronavirus test that you can safely administer at your home.
1. Pour a large glass of red wine; then, try to smell it.
2. If you can smell it, then drink it to see if you can taste it.
3. If you can taste and smell it, it confirms that you don’t have Covid.
Last night I did the test 19 times, and all were negative, thank God.
Tonight, I am going to do the test again, because this morning I woke up with a headache and feel like I am coming down with something.
I am so nervous.
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A Bar Opened Opposite a Church!!!
The Church prayed daily against the bar business.
Days later the bar was struck by lightning & caught fire which destroyed it.
The bar owner sued the church authorities for the cause of its destruction, as it was an action because of their prayer.
The Church denied all responsibility!!!
So, the judge commented,
"It's Difficult to Decide the Case because here we have a Bar Owner Who Believes in the Power of Prayer & an Entire Church that Doesn't Believe in it !!"
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THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
Explanations With Examples
*Good*
Your wife is pregnant.
*Bad*
It's triplets.
*Ugly*
You had a vasectomy five years ago.
*Good*
Your wife's not talking to you.
*Bad*
She wants a divorce.
*Ugly*
She's a lawyer.
*Good*
Your son studies a lot in his room.
*Bad*
You find several porn movies hidden there.
*Ugly*
You're in them.
*Good*
You and your hubby agree no more kids
*Bad*
You can't find your birth control
pills.
*Ugly*
Your daughter borrowed them.
*Good*
Your husband understands fashion.
*Bad*
He's a cross dresser.
*Ugly*
He looks better than You.
*Good*
You just gave a "the birds and the bees" talk to your daughter.
*Bad*
She keeps interrupting.
*Ugly*
With corrections.
*Good*
Your son is dating someone, new.
*Bad*
It's another man.
*Ugly*
He's your best friend.
*Good,*
Your daughter got a new job.
*Bad*
As a hooker.
*Ugly*
She makes more money than you do.
* * * * * * * *
Remote Control
A woman went shopping. At the cash counter, she opened her purse to pay.
The cashier noticed a TV remote in her purse: He could not control his curiosity and asked. “Do you always carry your TV remote with you?”
She replied. “No, not always, but my husband refused to accompany me shopping today because of a football match, so I took the remote.
* Moral: Accompany and support your wife in her hobbies…..*
The story continues… The cashier laughed and then returned all the items that the lady had purchased. Shocked at this act, she asked the cashier what he was doing.
He said. “Your husband has blocked your credit card.”
*MORAL: Always respect the hobbies of your husband.*
Story continues…. Wife took out her husband’s credit card from purse and swiped it. Unfortunately, he didn’t block his own card.
*Moral: Don’t underestimate the power and wisdom of your WIFE..*
Story continues…. After swiping, the machine indicated, ‘ENTER THE PIN SENT TO YOUR MOBILE PHONE’.
*Moral: When a man tends to lose, the machine is smart enough to save him!*
Story continues…. She smiled to herself and reached out for the mobile which rang in her purse. It was her husband’s phone showing the forwarded SMS. She had taken it with the remote control so he doesn’t call her during her shopping. She bought her items and returned home happily.
*Moral: Don’t underestimate a desperate woman!*
Story continues…. On getting home, his car was gone. A note was lying on the table. “Couldn’t find the remote. Gone out with the boys to watch the premiership match. Will be home late. Call me on my phone if you need something”.
*Moral: Don’t try to control your spouse. You will always lose!*
* * * * * * * *
The Years 1947 and 1948
The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, 70-plus years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside of Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and Organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that during the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the historic day, the following people were born: Mike Pence, Donald Trump and Mitch McConnell.
This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jackasses.
I truly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It certainly did for me.
* * * * * * * *
I Hope You Dance!
This was written by an 83-year-old woman to her friend.
Dear Bertha,
I'm reading more and dusting less.
I'm sitting in the yard and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden.
I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time working.
Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experiences to savour, not to endure.
I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.
I'm not 'saving' anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event such as losing a pound, getting the sink unstopped, or the first Amaryllis blossom.
I wear my good blazer to the market.
My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries.
I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties, but wearing it for clerks in the hardware
store and tellers at the bank.
'Someday' and 'one of these days' are losing their grip on my vocabulary.
If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing,
I want to see and hear and do it now !!
I'm not sure what others would've done had they known they wouldn't be here
for the tomorrow that we all take for granted.
I think they would have called family members and a few close friends.
They might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past squabbles.
I like to think they would have gone out for a Chinese dinner or for whatever their favourite food was.
I'm guessing; I'll never know.
It's those little things left undone that would make me angry if I knew my hours were limited.
Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write one of these days.
Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and parents often enough how much I truly love them.
I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives.
And every morning when I open my eyes, tell myself that it is special.
Every day, every minute, every breath truly is a gift from God!
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance !!
* * * * * * * *
We are currently under drought conditions here in the Northeast and finally getting some needed rain, which is good.
Have a fun Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Keep the contributions coming. If you can’t send me jokes, cash will be fine.
TGI-Jeff
