Greetings on this Friday at the end of the first week in September. This weekend coming up is our Labor Day weekend here in the USA with Monday being the official Labor Day. The universal labor day is May 1st; but that date here in the USA was always associated with the day the socialists and the Soviets celebrated workers; and so, that couldn’t be the day the US celebrated our working class.
“Build Back Better”
I meant to comment about the Democratic National Convention (very “unconventional”) a few weeks ago. They kept using the term “Build Back Better”. I had a very personal experience with this term when it very well may have originated. It was in Sri Lanka, in early 2005, several months after the devastating Indian Ocean tsunami had ravaged Indonesia, Sri Lanka and parts of India and even Somalia in Africa. It resulted in more than 250,000 lives lost and an incredible loss of homes and infrastructure. I was the country director for the World Food Program in Sri Lanka at that time and I also had to fill in as the UN Humanitarian Coordinator during absences of that person for health reasons or time off. On one of those occasions, I had to assist Bill Clinton’s assistant, Eric Schwartz, on a brief tour of Sri Lanka. Kofi Annan, the UN Secretary General at that time, had named former president Bill Clinton as his personal UN Ambassador for the Recovery Phase of the tsunami assistance to those countries affected. Mr. Schwartz had worked for President Clinton in his National Security Council of the White House. And in 2005 was still an associate of Clinton’s in the Clinton Foundation. While WRJ (Clinton – that’s how the secret service referred to him) did make a few trips to the region affected in 2005 and 2006, when I did have the opportunity to meet him and talk with him, on this one occasion he had sent Mr. Schwartz to do some reconnaissance and information gathering. I accompanied Eric to the southern region of Sri Lanka where we visited projects run by many international agencies, UN and non-governmental ones. At one location, we visited some temporary housing and resettlement dwellings. One Irish woman who worked for an Irish NGO explained to Eric that this was not only an opportunity to build back, but to “build back better!”
Eric liked that expression and obviously took it back to New York and to Bill Clinton. A few months later, when Clinton toured the area to observe the progress of the recovery operations, he frequently used the phrase “Build Back Better”!
Now, Biden and the Democrats are using in the context of our country after four years of Trump.
I mentioned in last week’s message that my oldest son, Jonathan, was to be wed in a virtual ceremony on zoom on Sunday, August 30th. It was great. On zoom with only relatives in attendance. The officiant was a retired New York state judge who apparently does some stand-up comedy and so he added some humor to this joyous occasion. Most of us guys in attendance were wearing ties (good job Phil!) and a jacket and questionable attire below the waist. I was wearing shorts and tennis shoes. We all had a bottle of wine and toasted the couple when the ceremony was over and the vows and rings exchanged. It was really well done. Congrats to Jon and Melissa!
Four years ago this weekend, we had the wedding of my daughter Joya with Chris hurt nearby here at the Inn at Weathersfield. They are now in Capetown SA. Here’s wishing you two a happy anniversary today!
And Birthday greetings to my only niece, Jillian, in Rome!
I think a few others, other than Debba, have contributed a few things for this edition, although I might consider the whole issue a TGIF Golden Classic. So, where is the new stuff? Come on!
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
“Bach, Bach, Bach...”
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, “sorry, we don’t serve minors. “
A sign in a music shop:
“Gone Chopin. Bach in a minute. “
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if she has any luggage.
The photon says, “no, I’m traveling light. “
What did the DNA say to the other DNA?
“Do these genes make me look fat?”
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “dry?”
The German replies, “nein, just one.”
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Magic Words from the Old General
As the crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a five-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum.
No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.
Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle.
Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, curly, soft-spoken general leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy’s ear.
Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother’s hand and quietly fastens his seat belt.
All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the general slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.
"Excuse me, general," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"
The old man smiles serenely and gently confines, "I showed him my pilot’s wings, service stars, and battle ribbons and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door - on any flight I choose."
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The Two Pilots
An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio, "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!" He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive.
He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers, "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed.
After 5 minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?
"What did you do?" asked the confused fighter pilot. "I didn’t see anything impressive."
The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next 3 nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. How do you like that?"
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I got the following from a number of friends, and although it’s an old one, seems I can use it.
Men Are Just Happier People!
Your last name never changes. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never get pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park or you can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because the last one was just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood - all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she will still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color. Your hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades, even if you are bald. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can “do” your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache... You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
NICKNAMES - If Laura, Kate, and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba, and Wild man.
PAYING THE BILL - Then when the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though check is only $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will admit they want any change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need because it's on sale
BATHROOMS - A man has seven items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, deodorant and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS - A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE - A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
MARRIAGE - A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she’ll never change, but she does. The most common reason for disappointment is misplaced expectations.
DRESSING UP - A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL - Men wake up just as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
CHILDREN - A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, their hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY. A married man should forget his mistakes, there is no reason two people need to remember the same thing.
No wonder men are happier! What do you expect from such simple creatures?
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THE MUSIC ORGAN AND THE OTHER ORGAN
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.
"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
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God's Plan for Aging
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
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The Sensitive Man
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of
teddy bears.
She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
She rolls over, gently, strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf.'
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Have a fantastic Friday, wherever you are and a wonderful weekend! Stay safe and socially distant, wear your mask and be kind.
We’ll get through this, eventually. And Trump is going to have a vaccine by November 1st.
TGI-Jeff
