Greetings on this last day of the work week. I hope some of you are still working in order to support our economy and allow people like me to keep on going. Much appreciation to all the health care workers and those who are working on our food supply chains.
I might have delved into politics a bit more than usual in last week’s edition, but some didn’t mind, it seems. And this week, the Democratic National Convention (which is not a convention this year) has been inspiring and giving some hope for a change to come.
It’s so strange as a sports fan, mainly Boston teams, to see the Celtics and Bruins playing in the NBA and NHL playoffs in August, while the Red Sox are also playing/struggling in the shortened 60-game MLB baseball season. We’ll have to see if the NFL (American football) will be able to have their normal fall season or not. Many college football conferences have opted out of playing this fall.
I have a lot of material to share today and so will get right to it.
A good friend sent me the following:
Astrology
Jeff, you are the fan of stars and planets...did you notice that this year's month of August will have 5 Saturdays, 5 Sundays and 5 Mondays. Apparently, this happens every 823 years, and the Chinese term it a pocket full of money, so expect money to come to your pockets by miracle..
I’m waiting. Meanwhile, my credit card was rejected twice this past week and I learned that I had not paid my bill for July. Reminds me of the old one about the guy who prayed to God every night that he was destitute and hoped that God could help him win the lottery. After several weeks of praying this and not winning; the guy was demoralized and no longer believed in divine intervention. Suddenly, there was a clap of thunder and God said to him, “Help me out here and at least, buy a lottery ticket”!
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ONLY A TRUE GOLFER WILL UNDERSTAND THESE:
Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt .. for a 10.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap; i.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
Hazards attract; fairways repel.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and fart if you are performing Brain Surgery!!!!
TGIF Editor: These are all great and too true. A few more that have been left out are these:
99.9 % of golf putts ball left short will not go in the cup.
If you are having a terrible hole, you can always take a BIPLI. Ball In Pocket, Lost Interest.
Don’t worry about hitting a ball through the trees; cause it’s 80% air. Unfortunately for me, I usually hit the 20%!
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Word Scramble
Every morning, while sipping my coffee, I do 3 or 4 puzzles in the daily newspaper. The first one is a word scramble; the second is a cryptoqoute; the third is the daily sudoku and the fourth is a crossword. So, I am familiar with word scrambles. Usually, there is only one correct answer.
So, consider this one:
When I was young, I decided to go to medical school. At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters
PNEIS
and form the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered SPINE are doctors today, while the rest are on Facebook.
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Half Wishes
A woman’s husband was cheating on her. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life, hating her ex-husband.
One day she found a beautiful lamp tossed in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a genie popped out of the lamp!
The genie said: "I feel that you are married. You have 3 wishes woman; but know that anything you ask for your husband will get as well, only double! Sorry but the rules were written at a more primitive time."
So, the woman thinks of a first wish . . .
"I want to be rich!" She became rich and the husband became twice as rich! So, the woman thinks of a second wish . . .
"I want to be beautiful!" So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful.
"Okay," the genie says. "This is your last wish so be careful what you wish for."
The woman thinks REALLY hard and finally comes to a decision.
"I want you to scare me HALF to death!"
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Shared Senior Moments
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
Louie and Rose lived in an old folk's retirement community, he a widower and she a widow. The two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, Louie took a few admiring glances at Rose...and finally gathered the courage to ask her: "will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes, yes I will."
The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
The next morning, Louie was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called Rose.
First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
And he gained a little more courage and he inquired:
"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear Rose say, "Why, I said 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called...
...because I couldn't remember who had asked me."
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The Mother-in-law
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How’s my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow! That’s amazing!" says the surprised wife. "But this is very strange, dear. Yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she had only a few days to live."
"Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday, "he replied, "but today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst!"
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One for you and one for me
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor & decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them since they had enough in the bag.
A few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate & heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You".....
He immediately sobered up & ran as fast as he could to a Church nearby, for the priest.......................
"Father, pls come with me. Come & witness God & satan sharing corpses at the cemetery"......
They both ran back to the cemetery gate & the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You'............
Suddenly, the voice stopped counting & said:
"What About The Two At The Gate?" Let's get them .........
You should have seen the sprint and marathon…
The priest ran past the church gate shouting: "We Are Not Dead Yet oohh!!!".
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic (I actually have 2 to offer today)
The Construction Crew and the little girl
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock...""
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The Man and the Ostrich
A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders.
The man said, "I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What’s yours?"
"I’ll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will be $6.40 please."
So, the man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich came again and the man said, "I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then the ostrich said, "I’ll have the same."
Once again, the man reached into his pocket and paid with exact change. This became a routine until late one evening, the two entered again.
"The usual?" asked the waitress.
"No, it is Friday night so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," said the man. "Same for me," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress came with the order and said, "That will be $12.62."
Once again, the man pulled the exact change out of his pocket and placed it on the table.
The waitress couldn’t hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," said the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That’s brilliant!" said the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," said the man.
The waitress asked, "One other thing, sir, what with the ostrich?"
The man sighed, paused and answered, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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I think that he should have been more specific in his third wish. (He must have had his head in the sand!)
I’m looking forward to playing in the postponed Springfield High School Alumni annual golf scramble today with old high school friends. It’s a scramble format and should be fun.
Have a nice day and excellent weekend. The weather has been good and no complaints here.
TGI-Jeff
