Greetings on this Friday in the middle of August. Unfortunately, while we though that by now we’d be through the worst part of this pandemic, we in the USA are still in the midst of it. Now, everyone is concerned and worried about the opening of schools in a few weeks. There is no national plan or guidance and it is left up to the states and in many cases, up to the local communities. Parents and teachers are not happy. We’ll see how this turns out.
Meanwhile the national debate now seems to be on whether to have college football this fall. Some big conferences, like the Big 10 and the Pac 12 have decided to cancel their fall season. However, for now the SEC and Big 12 and ACC have said that they hope to be able to go ahead with games this fall. I heard one sports analyst this morning on national radio say the football in the South is more important than anything and is like their religion. If there is no college football on Saturday this fall, a lot of people will be really upset.
Priorities, people!!!
How about we get through the worst of the pandemic before we resume normal activities???
The big news this week is Biden’s selection of Kamala Harris as his running mate. I usually try to refrain from talking too much politics in these messages that are supposed to be about humor. But to hear our President’s comments about her were really disgusting. It is time for a change and I hope everyone gets out and votes on 3 November. A Biden/Harris administration will be the first step in recovering from the damage that has been during these last 4 years.
A friend of mine told me this story today. She was shopping in her supermarket the other day and everyone was wearing a mask except for one man, who was just wearing a “Make America Great Again hat”. That says it all!
I also read a good editorial in the Washington Post this week which said that it would be really good if Donald Trump – the deal maker – could actually make a few deals. He has failed with North Korea. Failed with China; failed in the middle east and now, when the Congress cannot figure out how to pass the latest pandemic relief bill, cannot work with the two parties to agree on a compromise bill. So, America elected him to make deals and drain the swamp and he has done neither.
Contemplation
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing."
She then said, "That's what you did yesterday!"
I replied, "I WASN'T DONE, SO I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally, I pondered an age-old question: "Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?" Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
* * * * * * * *
Some old ones but ones you probably have forgotten and will think they are new!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
* * *
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
* * *
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
* * *
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
* * *
An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
* * *
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
* * *
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
* * *
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
* * *
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
* * *
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'
* * *
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'
He's still in intensive care.
* * *
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
* * * * * * * *
A Scot (wearing his kilt and a bonnet) walks into offices of private bankers Coutts & Co in the Strand, London. (Bankers to the Royal Family since 1820) and asks to speak to the manager.
He informs him that he is going abroad on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The Manager tells him that Coutts & Co would only be delighted to meet his requirements,
but that he should understand that since he is not a client of the Bank, it would need some modest security for the loan.
So the Scot opens his sporran, takes out the keys and documents of a brand new Ferrari parked in front of the bank and hands them to the manager saying “Will this do?”
He also produces the car’s log book and after a phone call everything checks out fine.
The manager agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan; the cashier hands out £5,000 while bank’s porter drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage for safe keeping.
Over lunch manager tells his colleagues the amusing little story of how a simple minded Scot
from North of the Border secured a loan for £5,000 offering a £120,000 Ferrari as collateral
and they all enjoy a good chuckle as they sip their Port.
Two weeks later, the Scot returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41.
The manager says, "Sir, we have been more than happy to have had your business
and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are just a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are in fact a wealthy property investor.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000 from us?"
The Scot replies: "Where else in London can I park my Ferrari for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be still there when I return?"
Aaah - those canny Scots!
* * * * * * * *
Hard Work and Perseverance
Enough of the bad news
I think you might enjoy this
Fulfilling our Country’s promise and potential...
Hard Work and Perseverance!!!!
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine stand is always located.
He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine guy gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine guy asks the Executive Director:
- What do you think about the situation in the stock market?
The Director asks in turn arrogantly:
- Why are you so interested in that topic?
"I have a million dollars in your bank," the shoeshine guy says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."
- What your name? –Asks the Director.
- John H. Smith -
The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department:
- Do we have a client named John H Smith?
- Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer. He has a million dollars in his account.
The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine guy and says:
- Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we will have something to learn from you.
At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:
- We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine at the corner stand; But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with over a million dollars in his account. I invited him to tell us the story of his life. I am sure we can learn from him.
Mr. Smith began his story:
- I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny. The first thing I did was change my name to Smith.
I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business. I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two more apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business.
When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes. I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.
I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients.
I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every penny. A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine guy on the corner stand decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.
Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a whore in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.
Touching, wasn’t it???
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week!
Grandpa vs the IRS
The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
* * * * * * * *
You know that I’m not going to apologize about using old material. Because if I didn’t use old material, I would not be able to publish a weekly (weakly) message. So, unless you would like to write or submit new, good material, you’ll have to take what I serve up. Right? Right!
Dianne and I finally figured out a few days ago that we first got together a year ago on August 12th, 2019 and so we have been celebrating our first year together this week. It’s been a good year for us, even if it hasn’t been for many others.
I enjoy hearing from each and every one of you and that makes it worthwhile to continue this hobby, 25 years on.
Enjoy the weekend. I’m going to attend the Vermont Beer Makerz party on Saturday – my old Trout River friends.
Take care, stay safe and healthy!
TGI-Jeff
