Greetings on this, the last Friday of May. Since we’re all staying at home, (or most of us), it’s kind of hard to say TGIF. But at least, for those of you who need the humor to get you through all of this, I can use the Friday day of the week to prompt me to send out stuff that I continue to receive from you. So, thanks for that. You’re doing your part.
What weather we’ve been having here in Vermont!!! Two weeks ago, it snowed and was just like winter. Last week Spring arrived. And this week – summer hit with temperatures in the high 80s and low 90s. Some spots in the state recorded the highest day temperatures on Wednesday. Only in Vermont. Where we can use the car heater in the morning and the A/C in the afternoon.
I’ve been buying some annual flower plants for my deck boxes and other pots to adorn the back deck and front porch, and a few hanging plants for out front.
I’ve been out on the golf course, since it was allowed to open a few weeks ago, several times with good friends. It’s nice to be out in nature and get some exercise too.
I’ve been spending a lot of time in zoom meetings as well. It’s good to stay in touch.
I’ve been enjoying Dianne’s cooking and we take turns cooking meals with each other. I feel sorry for anyone who has to spend this difficult time alone. It’s much nicer with a companion.
Let’s see what you all have contributed. Keep it up!
I hope they give us a two week notice before sending us back out into the real world. I think we'll all need the time to become ourselves again. And by "ourselves" I mean lose 10 pounds, cut our hair and get used to not drinking at 9:00 a.m.
New monthly budget: Gas $0; Entertainment $0; Clothes $0; Groceries $2,799.
New monthly budget: Gas $0; Entertainment $0; Clothes $0; Groceries $2,799.
Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to stop COVID-19, but to stop eating.
Low maintenance chicks are having their moment right now. We don't have nails to file and paint, roots to dye, eyelashes to re-mink, and are thrilled not to have to get dressed every day. I have been training for this moment my entire life!
When this quarantine is over, let's not tell some people.
I stepped on my scale this morning. It said: "Please practice social distancing. Only one person at a time on scale."
Not to brag, but I haven't been late to anything in over 6 weeks.
It may take a village to raise a child but I swear it’s going to take a vineyard to home school one.
I wanted zombies and anarchy. Instead we got working from home and toilet paper shortages.
Worst. Apocalypse. Ever.
You know those car commercials where there's only one vehicle on the road - doesn't seem so unrealistic these days ...
They can open things up next month, I'm staying in until July to see what happens to you all first.
Day 37: The garbage man placed an AA flyer on my recycling bin.
The spread of Covid-19 is based on two things:
1. How dense the population is.
2. How dense the population is.
Appropriate analogy:
"The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now" = "The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now".
People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.
Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.
Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?
For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself ...
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.
The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...
People keep asking: "Is coronavirus REALLY all that serious?" Listen y'all, the churches and casinos are closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing it's probably pretty serious.
Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.
Home school Day 1: I'm trying to figure out how I can get this kid transferred out of my class.
Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a pub crawl.
Okay, the schools are closed. So do we drop the kids off at the teacher's house or what?
For the second part of this quarantine do we have to stay with the same family or will they relocate us? Asking for myself ...
Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We wander around the house looking for food. We get told "No" if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about going for walks and car rides.
The dumbest thing I've ever bought was a 2020 planner ...
* * * * * * * *
My young daughter was wearing a beat up old watch a friend had given her.
I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"
My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."
I asked her, "Does it tell the time?"
My daughter looked at me and said, "No, you have to look at it."
* * * * * * * *
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him. They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it were your own."
* * * * * * * *
Her: What do you do?
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.
Me: I race cars.
Her: Do you win many races?
Me: Not really, the cars are much faster.
* * * * * * * *
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Davey replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why is that Davey?" asked the Scout Master.
"Well," answered Davey, "the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration." "And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
Davey replied, "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten'."
* * * * * * * *
I’ve found out that growing up in the Sixties was a lot more fun than being in my sixties!
* * *
I finally did it!
I bought a pair of shoes with memory foam soles inside.
No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.
* * *
You never appreciate anything til it is gone.
Toilet paper is one example.
* * *
I long for the good ole days when we thought we were going to die from climate change.
* * * * * * * *
A Sign at a Bar in this time of Covid-19
Warning
Bars Need Your Help
We can only reopen at 1/3 capacity.
Therefore, those who cannot drink for 3 are kindly requested to leave their place for the professionals.
* * * * * * * *
Pandemic observation
This reminds me of high school. I just filled up for $1.50 a gallon, and every girl I see is social distancing from me.
* * * * * * * *
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar together.
The bartender asks the rabbit what he would like to drink.
The rabbit responds, “I dunno. I’m only here due to Autocorrect!”
* * * * * * * *
A New Nile Virus
“The Third Strain of the NILE Virus is coming. (version "C"). I think you need to know about this virus.
“The Third Strain of the NILE Virus is coming. (version "C"). I think you need to know about this virus.
Even the most advanced computer programs from Norton, McAfee, Eset - Nod 32 and others cannot take care of this one.
It appears to target those who were born prior to 1958.
Virus Symptoms - any of the following:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. (Done that) 2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail. (That too) 3. Causes you to send an e-mail to the wrong person. (Yup) 4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. (Ah-ha) 5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. (Done that) 6. Causes you to hit SEND before you've finished. (Oh no, not again) 7. Causes you to hit DELETE instead of SEND. (Hate that) 8. Causes you to hit SEND when you should DELETE. (Heck, now what?)
It's called the C-NILE virus.”
* * * * * * * *
Polish Golf Championship
Milo and Stosh are standing on the 18th tee at their Polish Country Club.
They are the final twosome in the Polish Country Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley, descending down to a dogleg right.
Both Milo and Stosh hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other, but there's a problem. Both of the golf balls are Titleist # 4s.
Milo and Stosh look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.
Stosh looks at Milo and says, "We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the Polish Country Club Championships and we don't want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball. After all, we are tied for the lead.”
Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two # 4 Titleist golf balls. He then looks up at Milo and Stosh and says,
"Which one of you is playing the orange ball...?"
* * * * * * * *
Duh? Reminds of the Polish guy who stayed up all night studying for his urine test!
Keep sending me stuff and you’ll maybe get a Friday message from me.
Stay safe, stay healthy and look for pleasure in the simplest things.
Cheers.
TGI-Jeff
