Greetings on this very depressing day on Friday the 13th (of March). The media is putting out more bad news on top of other bad news and recent developments. The Coronavirus is spreading across the world at a seemingly accelerated rate. The stock market is extremely volatile and we’re likely headed into a recession. I’ve learned this past week of the deaths of a couple of old friends and WFP colleagues. And my son Jonathan’s wedding, planned for March 21st in New York, is being postponed.
The two wonderful colleagues from WFP who recently passed are Gretchen Bloom and Vittorio Speranza. Both of them gone way to soon. I remember Vittorio way back in the 80s (I think) when he worked in the travel unit. Then in 1995 I traveled with him from Rome to Vichy, France, along with other members of our WFP Olympic (UN Olympics) Team. And Gretchen was the Gender Focal Person in Rome for many years and I saw her occasionally in retirement (once in Sri Lanka when I was CD) and once or twice in DC with other WFP Alumni. I’m so sad that these two special human beings are gone already. Rest In Peace!
So, I think we all need a little humor to lighten the dark period that we are going through at present. So, I’ve managed to put together some material below that I hope you enjoy.
Someone out there must be "deadly" at Scrabble.
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS : When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS : When you rearrange the letters: ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT : When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS : When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS : When you rearrange the letters: ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT : When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
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The Circus Couple
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency.
The social worker raised doubts about their suitability.
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social worker then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills.”
Then the social worker expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment.
"Our nanny will be a certified expert in paediatric care, welfare, and diet.”
The social worker was finally satisfied and asked, "What age of child are you hoping to adopt?”
"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
* * * * * * * *
Paraprosdokians
(I know that I’ve used this one, or a similar one, before, but who remembers anymore? So, it can serve as a filler for today’s TGIF message.)
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Sir Winston Churchill loved them).
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ...but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of an emergency, notify..." I answered "a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.
Sadly this is true!!!
Spread the Laughter, Share the Cheer and Let’s be Happy, while we're here!
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Great Quotes from Phyllis Diller
As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. - Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance? - Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11of them would never wear the same outfit in public. - Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. - Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out. - Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. - Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them. - Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going. - Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up. - Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room. - Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron. - Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half. - Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves. - Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they look just like me. - Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children. - Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.' - Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing. - Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type. - Phyllis Diller
* * * * * * * *
Some More Interesting Things to Ponder
What if my dog only brings back the ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
If poison is past its expiry date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word “scent”, the S or the C?
Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?
Why is the letter w, in English, called double u? Shouldn’t it be called double v?
Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75 to 100 years to fully work?
Every time you clean something, you are just making something else dirty.
The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.
Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
* * * * * * * *
It’s time to close with a TGIF Golden Classic
An old cowboy was riding his trusty horse followed by his faithful dog along an unfamiliar road. The cowboy was enjoying the new scenery, when he suddenly remembered dying, and realized the dog beside him had been dead for years, as had his horse. Confused, he wondered what was happening, and where the trail was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall that looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch topped by a golden letter "H" that glowed in the sunlight. Standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like gold.
He rode toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. Parched and tired out by his journey, he called out
'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.
'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.'
As the gate began to open, the cowboy asked 'Can I bring my partners, too?'
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'
The cowboy thought for a moment, then turned back to the road and continued riding, his dog trotting by his side.
After another long ride, at the top of another hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a ranch gate that looked as if it had never been closed. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
'Excuse me,' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'
'Sure, there's a pump right over there. Help yourself.'
'How about my friends here?' the traveler gestured to the dog and his horse.
'Of course! They look thirsty, too,' said the man.
The trio went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with buckets beside it. The traveler filled a cup and the buckets with wonderfully cool water and took a long drink, as did his horse and dog.
When they were full, he walked back to the man who was still standing by the tree;
'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'That's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the glitzy, gold street and fake pearly gates? That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you angry when they use your name like that?'
'Not at all. Actually, we're happy they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind...'
* * * * * * * *
A number of states here in the USA have declared “states of emergency” due to the rapid spread of the coronavirus. It seems even our president may be going to declare a national emergency.
Hope you all can enjoy your weekend. Stay safe and healthy.
TGI-Jeff
