Greetings on this last Friday of the month. Usually, it’s the last day of February - - - but this year is a leap year and so, we have the 29th, tomorrow. Which happens to be the first anniversary of the passing of my late mother-in-law, Barbara Pauli Taft. As you smart ones probably have figured out, she died on February 29th, 2016 - - - four years ago. She was never someone to call attention to herself. So, we all thought it was appropriate that she actually died on February 29th, so we would (supposedly) only think of her every 4 years.
Dianne and I are just back from a 2-week trip down to South Carolina. We drove a total of 2,000 miles. We stayed with family and good friends most of the trip down, back and there; including Martha, Richard & Jill, Dale and Marie, and Mike. Thanks to you for hosting us. We spent only 2 days in motels over the 14 days. Apparently (as we were accused) we brought the cold weather down there from Vermont. The first 4 days in Myrtle Beach, it rained. We put jigsaw puzzles together and went out to eat and drink. We managed to have fun!
I did reconnect with an old friend who I had not seen since the end of 7th grade in 1964. Mike and I had played baseball and basketball together back then and generally hung out together. Despite the bad weather, we did manage to play golf together one day there in Myrtle Beach. What memories we shared of the good ole days in southeastern Ohio back in the early 1960s!
I’m back in Springfield in time to attend my high school’s banquet on Saturday night to induct 9 former SHS athletes into the recently created SHS Sports Hall of Fame. I will be one of those this year, mainly for HS football and basketball accomplishments of more that 50 years ago! I am truly honored.
A Few Puns to Share
What did the Italian volcano say to the Hawaiian volcano? I lava you!
How much does a pirate pay for earrings? A buccaneer!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tacles!
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for the banquet? They gave him the cold shoulder!
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!
Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay it would be a bagel.
A woman gave birth to identical twins and named them Juan and Amal, but she carried around a photo only of Juan. When asked why, she said: “When you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.”
How much does a pirate pay for earrings? A buccaneer!
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tacles!
Did you hear about the cannibal who was late for the banquet? They gave him the cold shoulder!
What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop!
Why does a seagull fly over the sea? Because if it flew over the bay it would be a bagel.
A woman gave birth to identical twins and named them Juan and Amal, but she carried around a photo only of Juan. When asked why, she said: “When you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.”
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Stuff you didn't know you didn't know: but now you do
In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence, we have 'the rule of thumb'
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Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'...and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.
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Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
A: Alaska
Coca-Cola was originally green.
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It is impossible to lick your elbow.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
A: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $ 16,400
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The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour: 61,000
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Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.Treasury.
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Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
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Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..
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The first novel ever written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.
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The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
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Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs - Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111
* * *
111,111,111 x 111,111,111
= 12,345,678,987, 654,321
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If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter “A”?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day (does that surprise you?)
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?
A. All were invented by women.
* * *
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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Q. Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day (does that surprise you?)
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I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? (and easy)
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taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? (and easy)
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So, I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the lady behind me honked at me and flipped me off because I was taking too long to order.
So, I paid for her food.
I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me because the teller told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed.
When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too!
I paid for it, it’s mine! Now she has to wait even longer.
She’s gonna learn today!
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JEWISH MOTHER
JEWISH MOTHER
The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again."
"Don't worry about it, Mom, I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home. And a limousine will pick you up at your door."
"I don't know. Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?
Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York."
"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."
The President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."
So Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. In the front row sits the new President's mother, who leans over to a Senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?"
The Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."
Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."
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ITALIAN MOTHER
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."
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AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style. He didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU’RE OLD, AND DON’T MOVE FAST ANYMORE….
George Phillips , an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?”
He said “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me!”
Then the police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy! You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.”
George said, “Okay.”
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them both!” And he hung up.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot them both!” And he hung up.
Within five minutes, six police cars, a SWAT team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
(True Story)
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There is growing concern about the corona virus, as it is spreading beyond borders and it seems that the stock markets are starting to be concerned too. Let’s hope it can be dealt with and that it doesn’t become a pandemic.
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend. Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
