Greetings on this first Friday of February. Some of you might be thinking “Thank God, It’s Friday”. Some of us are thinking, “Thank God the Impeachment Is Over”. I’m going to refrain from any political comments. For those who want to remove and replace Mr. Trump, it will have to be next November at the ballot box. The headline of the Washington Post yesterday morning read “Trump Acquitted”. I’m waiting for the headline next month that might read “Trump Acquitted of Killing Romney on 5th Avenue”!
I dug deep into the joke bag today in order to come up with material to use today. As there are a lot of oldies, let’s dive in, without further ado.
Riddle:
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.
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Lexophiles
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish"; or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.
Here are some of them:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
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Helpful Advice
A businessman went to his priest for confession and confided that he was so depressed with his business that he was thinking of faking his own death and disappearing.
The priest advised him to take some time off, relax, go to the beach on a balmy day, lay the Holy Bible on his lap, and let the soft ocean breezes riffle the pages. When the wind stopped, he should look down and he would find the solution to his problems in the first thing he saw in the Bible.
The man came back to confession a few months later. Business was up, home life was happy, he had a new lease on life. He also donated $1000 to the church. When the surprised Father asked what had turned his fortunes around, he told him he followed his advice, went to the beach, opened his Bible, and when he looked down his eyes fell on the answer to his problems.
“Those two words changed my life.”
“What were the two words, my son?”
The parishioner looked to the heavens and replied, “Chapter Eleven.”
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Some Reflections
Since it is such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life. I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Lance Armstrong. I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
Drive By. Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick bastards!
The Agony of Aging. On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back."
WHAT A DAY!
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
Lance Armstrong. I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.
Drive By. Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick bastards!
The Agony of Aging. On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back."
WHAT A DAY!
* * * * * * * *
SIMPLE NO-COST URINE TEST
Here’s a simple, no-cost urine test especially for senior men. I'm passing this along to you in case you know any geezers who'd like to save a few bucks and get accurate results...
Start by going outside and peeing on your lawn or garden.
If ants gather, check for diabetes.
If you pee on your feet, get your prostate checked.
If it smells like a barbecue, you may need cholesterol meds.
If, when you shake off the last drops, your wrist hurts, it's osteoarthritis.
If you go back in your house and you look down, the little guy is still hangin' outside your pants, you'd better tell somebody you've got Alzheimer's.
* * * * * * * *
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote “.
* * * * * * * *
This has to be this week’s TGIF Golden Classic, since it is one of the first piece of material that I used on one of the first TGIF messages back in 1995.
Here are some signs and notices in which the writers did their best to express themselves in English ….. (maybe for our benefit)
In a Tokyo hotel: “Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such a thing, please do not read notis.”
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: “The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.”
In a Leipzig elevator: “Do not enter lift backwards, and only when lit up.”
In a Paris hotel elevator: “Please leave your values at the front desk.”
In a Yugoslavian hotel: “The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.”
In a Japanese hotel: “You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.”
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from Russian Orthodox monastery: “You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, writers, and artists are buried daily except Thursdays.”
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: “Ladies may have a fit upstairs.”
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: “Drop your trousers here for best results.”
A sign posted in Germany’s Black Forest: “It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.”
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: “Teeth are extracted by the latest Methodists.”
In a Rome laundry: “Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.”
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: “If this is your first visit to Russia, you are welcome to it.”
In a Budapest zoo: “Please do not feed the animals. If you have suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.”
From a Japanese booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: “Cooles and Heates: If you want condition of just warm in your hotel room, please control yourself.”
Sign in an Austrian tobacco shop: “Drop in for a trial smoke. Please don’t leave your butt outside.”
* * * * * * * *
And here are some more of those signs (from long ago), and it is entitled:
Did I Read That Right?
"TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW."
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In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
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In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
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In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
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In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
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Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
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Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
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Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
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Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
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Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
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Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
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On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
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Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysReally? Ya' think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down JaywalkersNow that's taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes OverWhat a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after DeathNo-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting DefendantSee if that works better than a fair trial!
-----------------------------
War Dims Hope for PeaceI can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last AwhileYa' think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to TemperaturesWho would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect HomicideThey may be on to something!
------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New BridgesYou mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery ChargeHe probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test GroupWeren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftThat's what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious SnacksDo they taste like chicken?
-------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in HalfChainsaw Massacre all over again!
-------------------------------
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot DoctorsBoy, are they tall!
-------------------------------
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
------------------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this.
It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!!
They put in a correction the next day.
------------------------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert SaysReally? Ya' think?
------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down JaywalkersNow that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes OverWhat a guy!
------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after DeathNo-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting DefendantSee if that works better than a fair trial!
-----------------------------
War Dims Hope for PeaceI can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last AwhileYa' think?!
------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to TemperaturesWho would have thought!
------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect HomicideThey may be on to something!
------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New BridgesYou mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery ChargeHe probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test GroupWeren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in SpacecraftThat's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious SnacksDo they taste like chicken?
-------------------------------
Local High School Dropouts Cut in HalfChainsaw Massacre all over again!
-------------------------------
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot DoctorsBoy, are they tall!
-------------------------------
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
* * * * * * * *
Yes, you did.
Just time and space left to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Don’t forget to provide contributions to your TGIF editor. If you can’t provide jokes, I’ll accept cash, checks or money orders. Until the next time, …..
TGI-Jeff
