Greetings from your Friday guy. Yep, it’s Friday and the end of the work week for most of you who are still gainfully employed. TGIF! The rest of us can never usually remember what day or month it is!
The U.S. Midwest and Northeast experienced a pretty good winter storm last weekend that dumped anywhere from one to two feet of snow on us. Here we got about a foot, while other northern areas of New England got as much as 2 feet of the white stuff. On the immediate back of that snowfall, an arctic cold air front moved in from the north that dropped temperatures down to zero. With strong winds accompanying that front, wind chill factors were well below 0 Fahrenheit. All the skiers wanted to get out to enjoy the new powder, but only the brave ones did, due to the wind and extreme cold! Was I a “brave one” (or stupid one?)? Well, I waited until Tuesday afternoon, when it got up to 10 degrees and the wind had diminished somewhat. I ran into 3 good friends (crazy like me!) at the ski area and we got in 5 or 6 really good runs, before coming in to thaw out our frozen feet and cold hands. Then we warmed ourselves some more with some beverages!
Then on Wednesday night a new warm front moved in with rain. The problem was that it was freezing when it landed on any unsalted roads and driveways. On Thursday it continued to rain and my driveway was an ice skating rink. So, I’ve been housebound and just catching up on reading and other things, being warmed by my wood pellet stove.
My first paragraph above mentions the gainfully employed. Due to the continuing US Government shutdown (Day 35), there are hundreds of thousands of federal employees who are either not working or not presently getting paid due to the impasse between President Trump and the Democrats. It’s gone on for more than month now and, while it seems to be almost the only thing in the news, no end to the shutdown appears in sight.
Our politicians and representatives just can’t seem to find some bipartisan way to address the issues facing us now; or to agree on what are the major issues to address through legislation.
I don’t know if is a coincidence or not, but I’ve received a lot of potential material over the last few weeks about politicians. So, at least in the first several offerings you will see a theme of politicians. We can’t live with them or without them, it seems.
ARE California POLLS REALLY ACCURATE?
The latest telephone poll taken by the California Governor's office, asked whether people who live in California think illegal immigration is a serious problem:
29% of respondents answered: “Yes, it is a serious problem”
71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa.
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Post Turtles
While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
The old rancher said, "When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain.
"You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."
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Interesting Observation
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS and...
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF
The amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
There must be a boatload of people in Washington playing marbles.
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Surgeons!
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, “ I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.”
The second responds, “Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon says, “No, I really think librarians are the best! Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon chimes in: “You know, I like construction workers………those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.”
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he said, “You’re all wrong! Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine…..plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable!!!”
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And given the inability of our politicians to write and legislate laws that are clear and equitable for all citizens, regardless of class or income, it’s time to provide you some financial advice.
Financial Advice for 2019
Sometime this year, most taxpayers will receive a tax refund check. This is indeed a very exciting program. I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a tax refund?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From you.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Yes, however, only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this refund?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economies of China and Japan?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your refund check wisely:
* If you spend the money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, most of that money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan, Japan, or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to China, Korea and Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to executive bonuses and they will hide most of the money offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at garage sales, or
2) Going to baseball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
These are pretty much the only American businesses still operating in the U.S.
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me. I'm just glad I could be of help.
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No Rike Chinese
A British Airways plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
“No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all the same!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah ...all f...kin same.’
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Up in the northeast here at this time of year, it is extremely difficult to think about playing golf. But just to help those of us suffering “golf withdrawal”, I’d like to share the following rules of golf, provided to me by a very good friend and fellow golfer.
24 RULES OF GOLF
LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. This LAW does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. This LAW does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.
LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a LAW of the universe and should be cut down.
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a LAW of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5:
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 6:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
LAW 7:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother-in-Law does not come close.
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your Mother-in-Law does not come close.
LAW 8:
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.
LAW 9:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 10:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 11:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
LAW 12:
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
LAW 13:
If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.
If it isn’t broke, try changing your grip.
LAW 14:
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you’re lying 8.
It’s surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you’re lying 8.
LAW 15:
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
LAW 16:
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
LAW 17:
It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 feet away.
It’s not a gimme if you’re still 4 feet away.
LAW 18:
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
LAW 19:
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.
LAW 20:
Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
Every Time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make a double or triple bogey to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
LAW 21:
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.
If you want to hit a 7-iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to use it to lay up just short of a water hazard.
LAW 22:
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
There are two things you can learn by stopping your back swing at the top and checking the position of your hands: how many hands you have, and which one is wearing the glove.
LAW 23:
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
LAW 24:
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
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Some of those are priceless! And many are very accurate! I’ve had Law # 2 happen to me far too often!!!
Time to close this issue. Before doing so, I want to send belated birthday greetings (the 22nd) to my best man, Tod, who was recently “father of the bride” and I saw the video of your father-daughter dance and it was great! Also a few more shout-outs to an old friend and a couple of sisters-in laws, who have birthdays today or this weekend – that’s Bob, Karen and Martha! Happy birthdays!
Until the next time …..
TGI-Jeff
