Greetings from the TGIF guy who apparently has taken a month off. I hope I don’t get my pay docked! The last time I issued a Friday message was just after the beginning of Spring. The only problem is that now, 3 weeks later, spring still hasn’t arrived here in Vermont and snow and sleet are predicted for this weekend. In addition, many of my local friends insist that I have dropped them from my TGIF address list because they haven’t received a TGIF message in several weeks. Don’t worry. I’m just letting the good material mount up before going to the trouble. Also, I’ve had the visit of my youngest son (Phil) from San Diego in early April and that kept me happily busy. Jonathan also joined us last weekend. So, I don’t apologize for the lack of output. You, on the other hand, should apologize for not sending me any useable material recently.
I normally draft these things on Thursday night. But I guess I was too tired from skiing yesterday to do it. But also there was a Yankees-Red Sox game on, too. And one day after they had a bench-clearing brawl on the field. So, I wanted to watch the “rubber match” of this initial 3-day series last night. The Sox won it and therefore won 2 out of 3 in the short series. They still have 16 games to go against each other and it should be interesting (right, Fred?). They both have good squads this year and it will be a battle.
Also, last night was the first game of the NHL (hockey) playoffs and so I kept jumping over to the Boston Bruins game against the Toronto Maple Leafs. The Bruins won 5 to 1. It’s also the European Champions League competition on entering the semi-finals. Liverpool beat ManCity this week and they advance. So did Bayern Munich, Real Madrid and Roma, who upset Barcelona. Those pairings will be announced as I write this. I just checked. It’ll be Real Madrid versus Bayern Munich and Liverpool versus Roma. Go Liverpool!!!
So, what have I been doing while waiting for Spring to arrive in Vermont. Well, I continue to ski, although yesterday may have been my last day. I was wondering if this year I was going to be able to ski in the morning and play golf in the afternoon. But it now doesn’t look like that is going to happen. I still have some pockets of snow on my lawn and the golf course will take some time to dry out. But there is still plenty of snow on the ski slopes. Just not enough skiers to take advantage of that and make it financially worthwhile for the resort owners.
Let’s see if three weeks was enough time for you all to send me some good stuff to use. Oh, and happy Friday the 13th for all you suspicious ones!
Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog and fishing equipment, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've stopped fishing.
* * * * * * * *
Golfing and Hooters
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.
At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
Well, you know, they got the broads with the big racks and the tight shorts and the legs!
OK.
Ten years later at age 40 they play.
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.
OK."
Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.
Where you wanna go?
Hooters."
Why?"
The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking!
OK.
At age 60 they play a round of golf.
Where you wanna go?
Hooters."
Why?"
Wings are half price!
Ok"
At age 70 they play a round of golf.
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
They have 6 handicapped parking spaces right by the door.
OK.
At age 80 they play a round of golf.
Where you wanna go?
Hooters.
Why?
We’ve never been there before.
* * * * * * * *
Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper.
FOXY LADY
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, early 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, early 80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'), Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
* * * * *
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath, not a problem.
* * * * *
SERENITY NOW
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga, and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
* * * * *
WINNING SMILE
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
* * * * *
BEATLES OR STONES
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights, and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
* * * * *
MEMORIES
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
* * * * *
MINT CONDITION
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
AND FINALLY
A lady in the Villages in Florida (a senior retirement community), was sitting on a bench, near another bench with a gentleman sitting on the bench. She asked him if he was new to the community and he said, "No, I have owned a condo here for 20 years".
She then said, "I have been here for 15 years and I have never seen you around!"
He then said, "I have been in prison for the last 17 years!" She was stunned and finally asked him what he had done. He said that he had murdered his first wife!
She was stunned again and after a long pause she said,
“So you're SINGLE???”
* * * * * * * *
* * * * * * * *
I know that the following one is an old one. But I do love the puns.
Puns for Educated Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris you'd be in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive..'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
* * * * * * * *
The Receptionist
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a large unfriendly woman who looked more like a Sumo wrestler than a woman.
I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE. YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,
“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
The room erupted in applause!
* * * * * * * *
SHOPPING AT TIFFANY’S.
A lady walks in to Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful gold bracelet and goes over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'oops', and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.
A lady walks in to Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful gold bracelet and goes over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little 'oops', and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Good looking as well as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.
He politely greets the lady with, 'good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He replied, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s**t when I tell you the price.
* * * * * * * *
He politely greets the lady with, 'good day, Madam. How may we help you today?
Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He replied, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to s**t when I tell you the price.
* * * * * * * *
Sympathetic Hubby
This guy is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. There are two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married, and if so, can he see a picture of his wife. The guy says "sure" and shows him a picture of his wife.
The sheriff says, "I'm very sorry sir, but it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck."
The guy says, " I know, but she has a great personality, and she's an excellent cook."
* * * * * * * *
I guess that is long enough for this edition. Some old ones but those are sometimes the best.
Time to wish you all a wonderful weekend. I don’t usually issue one of these on Fridays and here it is already Friday evening; so those of you east of the Greenwich Mean Line will get this on Saturday. Oh well. I’ll try to do better the next time. Maybe next week.
Until then, be good.
TGI-Jeff
