Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of another week! Except that this wasn’t just any ordinary week! Spring arrived this week! Well, maybe not here, but in many places in the Northern Hemisphere. We’ll probably have to wait another month for it to really arrive here. That’s okay. There’s still snow on the ground and on the ski area slopes and so I’ll continue to enjoy skiing and start working on my tan. My oldest son Jonathan arrived on Thursday evening and we will ski together today at Okemo. And thanks to good friend Frank, Jon will get a discounted ticket to ski.
I’ve been fully immersed in the college men’s basketball March Madness and filled out a bracket and doing pretty well, although there have been a lot of upsets. I also follow the women’s tourney and hope that my favorite team, the UCONN women, can go all the way this year and win their 12thnational title. They got upset last year in the Final Four semifinal and so I hope that they are motivated to go all the way this year!
I might even go over to Albany to see them play in the regional final, probably against South Carolina, another really good team, who won it all last year!
Thursday was a really nice spring day here. Lots of sun and lots of snow melted. It got up to 47 degrees today, which seems really hot compared to what we’ve been having. Last summer it got down to 47 one day, and it seemed really cold. It’s all relative!
Okay. Let’s see what you all have donated for this week’s issue.
Farmer Fleming
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman. 'You saved my son's life.'
'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.
'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.
'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.
'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
* * * * * * * *
Google Pizza
Hello ..............Is this Gordon's Pizza?
GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.
GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.
No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month.
CALLER:
OK............................ ... I would like to order a pizza.
OK............................ ... I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?
Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER:
My usual? .....................You know me?
GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER:
OK! then.......................... ...........That's what I want ...
OK! then.......................... ...........That's what I want ...
GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER:
What? I detest vegetable!.
What? I detest vegetable!.
GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER:
How the hell do you know?!
How the hell do you know?!
GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records.
We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug RX Network, 4 months ago.
CALLER:
I bought more from another drugstore.
I bought more from another drugstore.
GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
That doesn't show on your credit card statement.
CALLER:
I paid in cash.
I paid in cash.
GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.
I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE:
That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.
CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL?!!!
WHAT THE HELL?!!!
GOOGLE:
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without internet, cable TV, where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
* * * * * * * *
THE NIGHT LIGHT DIAGNOSIS
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with
normal results.
The doctor says, "Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Larry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.
When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife. "Bonnie," he says, "Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"
"Oh sweet Jesus", exclaims Bonnie. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
normal results.
The doctor says, "Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"
Larry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on.
When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry's wife. "Bonnie," he says, "Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the
night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof, the light goes off?"
"Oh sweet Jesus", exclaims Bonnie. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"
* * * * * * * *
Fly Southwest
The little boy had been looking out of the plane's window.
He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”
He turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”
The mother couldn't think of an answer. She told her son to ask the flight attendant.
The boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?”
The busy flight attendant smiled and asked the boy, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The boy replied, "Yes, she did.”
"Well", said the flight attendant, "you tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."
* * * * * * * *
Watch Out For the Drunk Driver
From the South where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Charleston S.C.
After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off: it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it", said the proud Southern man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
* * * * * * * *
Minnesota Road work - don't you know!
Al, a road crew supervisor in Minnesota, hired Ole to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Bemidji. He was skeptical about hiring Ole since he didn't have any painting background. But Ole appeared enthusiastic and told Al that he really needed the job.
He explained to Ole that his work day shift would be to complete 2 miles of center-line on the road. He was set up with brushes and paint and Al got him started.
After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted 4 miles of road in his 8-hour shift, instead of the two expected of him. He told Ole that he did an excellent job and said how pleased he was with his progress.
On the second day, Ole completed painting just the 2 miles of road that was asked of him. Al was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Ole would pick up the pace again.
On day 3, Al was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Ole completed painting only 1 mile of road. Ole was called to Al's office and was asked what was the problem. "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your second day 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What's the problem, Ole?"
"Vell," Ole replied, "I'll tell you vut is da problem, but I tought a smart man like you voot figger it out fer yerself. Every day I'm getting farder and farder avay from da paint can."
* * * * * * * *
Church
A crusty old man walks into the local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
* * * * * * * *
Have a nice Spring! Enjoy your Friday and the upcoming weekend and we’ll see you next week!
TGI-Jeff
