Greetings from your Friday guy from the place that just doesn’t want to accept that it is supposed to be the spring season. Spring (scientifically) arrived one month ago. However, it is still winter here. It remains cold and keeps snowing. The sun is high enough in the sky so that the snow doesn’t accumulate much anymore, but parts of Vermont are going to get anywhere from 1 to 4 inches of snow TODAY, April 20th. It is Earth Day in a few days and yet, it is still winter here. The weatherman the other day announced that “April in Vermont has been cancelled this year!”
What can I say? I thought that this year might be the year that I ski in the morning and play golf in the afternoon. That might have been possible last Friday as the golf course tried to open that day. But then we got more snow and cold. At least it looks like it’s going to warm up to the 40s or even 50s this weekend! Nice.
With this awful weather, it’s been hard for the local spring sports teams to get going. And the major league baseball season seems to be starting earlier each year and this year started in March. However, they have had plenty of games postponed due to snow. My Boston Red Sox have had a great start and have won 15 of their first 17 games, a record. Their game on Patriots Day in Boston was called off due to cold weather this last Monday. But that was the day of the running of the Boston Marathon. It was also the 5th anniversary of the horrible bombing at the finish line which killed several and maimed hundreds. Despite the bad weather, an American woman won the woman’s race and a Japanese man won the men’s. A lot of US men and women finished in the top ten. An American woman who just started to run long distances recently and just barely qualified for the Boston Marathon managed to finish second. She had no idea. The officials said to her “You finished second!” and she asked “in what division?” They had to convince here that she was the second woman!
The NBA (basketball) and NHL (ice hockey) playoffs have begun and so that are many good games to watch. My Boston teams, the Celtics and the Bruins, are doing well so far. Let’s see. I also follow the European Champions League and that is now in the semi-final stage. My heart is with Liverpool.
But, let’s return to the opening of the baseball season here in the U.S.
Two boys from Illinois did what almost any diehard Cubs fan would do: They skipped school to get to the home opener this week. Tucker and Gunner Speckman tempted fate with a sign that caught a lot of attention, WQAD reported. It said ‘Skipping school. S-h-h-h, don’t tell Principal Versluis.’ The sign was intended to get them on television. It did its job and got the attention of the MLB, which posted it to its Twitter account. But Tucker and Gunner weren’t alone at the game Tuesday. Little did they know Principal Patrick Versluis, the same principal on the sign, also skipped school. He actually called off sick so he could take his son to the first home game of the season. As much as the boys probably didn’t want to see the administrator, he didn’t want to see his students either.
I later heard (as this was all over the media this past week) that all was forgiven as the two brothers were A students. But I wonder if the principal had a day “docked” of his salary.
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A recent WHO study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
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Latest Happenings Reported from an Assisted Living Center
The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat in a central dining room. One morning, one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and he just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine and that he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
Make sure to send this to all children and caregivers so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine and that he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
Make sure to send this to all children and caregivers so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
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Two Old Casual Friends
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up.
Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold -- there sat Russ.
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail' cried Sam. ‘Whatever for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'What about her?'
'Well, the little gold-digger figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me .
At 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded ' guilty ' ‘
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
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The Psychiatrist versus the Bartender
Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone hiding under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
I said, “I'll sleep on it.”
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400. A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
"Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
It's always better to get a second opinion.
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink.
"Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”
“How much do you charge?”
“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.
I said, “I'll sleep on it.”
Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400. A bartender cured me for $10.00.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
"Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
It's always better to get a second opinion.
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WAR OF 1812 AT WALMART
Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief.
Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress, . . enough of my psychological fixations.
While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Viet Nam Vet?"
"No," I replied.
"Then why are you wearing that cap?"
"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812 . . ."
I thought it was a snappy retort.
"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"
God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity . . "1946", I answered, as straight-faced as possible.
He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1946?"
"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to become fun!
"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"
I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."
"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"
"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."
The moron nodded knowingly.
"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."
"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look . . "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"
With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?"
The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack. I just grinned at her.
After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw dimwit leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.
Upon catching sight of me, he started pointing excitedly in my direction.
Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.
And these people VOTE!
What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.
Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.
Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!
See you guys at Walmart!!
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TYPES OF SEX
1. PENSION SEX
Two men were talking.
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex."
"Pension sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
2. LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said,
"I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural."
"I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "it wakes me up!"
3. QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never home!"
4. ARGUMENT SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold as Ever.'"
"Yeah," she replies, "when you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
5. WOMEN'S HUMOROUS SEX
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
6. ELDERLY SEX
One night, an 87 year-old woman came home from Bingo and found her 97 year old husband in bed with another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor, assisted living apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, 'Yes, your honor. I figured that at 97, if he could still have sex...he could also probably fly.”
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Okay, even though some of the above are also oldies, it’s time for this week’s designated TGIF Golden Classice:
Afternoon Delight and a Popsicle
The only way to pull off an afternoon "quickie" with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove by!
Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
Matt's riding a new bike!
Looks like the Sanders are moving!
Jason is on his skate board!"
After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out,
"How do you know they're having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
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Kids are so smart. A lot smarter than we give them credit for. They are great “observers” and are not afraid of telling it like it is!
Art Linkletter used to say that “Kids Say the Darndest Things”! It’s true!
All I have left to say is for you all to have a Fantastic Friday (my favorite day of the week!) and that is to be followed by a wonderful weekend!
And let’s hope that it warms up here in these parts and that we can get outside and enjoy our short spring.
Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
