Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of the work week. Thank God, It’s Friday you say. We’re in the dead of winter here with the temperature below freezing most of the time. We’ve had a lot of snow, but also in January we had 2 or three days of rain as well. But the weather forecasts for next week are lots of snow predicted. I’ve been trying to ski at least one day per week. My plan is to ski today. By the way, Happy Ground Hog Day! If he sees his shadow, we’ll have 6 more weeks of winter, right?
After skiing today, I might go to the Trout River Brewery to spend a little time at the Tasting Room that just recently opened to the public. They are doing well and have recently brewed a Brown Porter that is really good.
I will be hosting for the seventh year a Super Bowl party at my house with about a dozen friends. Of course, it’s always a little more stressful when our New England Patriots are in it! Like last year; when the Pats were down 28-3. But we didn’t throw in the towel. I know that everyone else HATES the Patriots cuz they win all the time. But I don’t care. They are the best dynasty in all sports (along with possibly the NY Yankees) and they deserve it. Forget about Spy-gate and Deflate-gate and all the rest! Brady is the best!
And speaking of the NFL, here’s a new one that I have not seen before.
Chicago Bears – winners of the 1985 Super Bowl against the Patriots
Below, a funny (and true!) story about da Bears of old…
Motivational speakers have the best stories.
John Cassis is one of our nation's finest motivational speakers. He told a story recently about a time when he was serving as one of the Chaplin's for the Chicago Bears during their glory years of the 1980's. As John tells it, Mike Ditka was about to deliver a locker room pep talk one day.
He looked up and saw defensive tackle William "Refrigerator" Perry. How could he not see him? At 338 pounds the Fridge stood out even in a crowd of pro football players.
Ditka gestured to the Fridge. "When I get finished," he said, "I'd like you to close with the Lord's Prayer."
Then the coach began his talk. Meanwhile, Jim McMahon, the brash and outspoken quarterback, punched John Cassis. "Look at Perry," McMahon whispered, "he doesn't know the Lord's Prayer." Sure enough, Perry sat with a look of panic on his face, his head in his hands. He was sweating profusely.
"Everybody knows the Lord's Prayer," said Cassis to McMahon in disbelief. After a few minutes of watching the Refrigerator leaking several gallons of sweat, McMahon (never known as a genius himself) nudged Cassis again.
"I'll bet you 50 bucks Fridge doesn't know the Lord's Prayer."
As Cassis tells the story, he stops to reflect on the absurdity of it all:
"Here we were sitting in chapel and betting 50 bucks on the Lord's Prayer." When Coach Ditka finished his pep talk, he asked all the men to remove their caps. Then he nodded at Perry and bowed his head.
It was quiet for a few moments before the Fridge spoke in a shaky voice,
"Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord, my soul to keep."
Cassis felt the tap on his shoulder. It was Jim McMahon.
"Here's the 50 dollars," he whispered. "I had no idea Perry knew the Lord's Prayer."
True Story…
* * * * * * * *
One of the English national daily newspapers asked readers: "What does it mean to be English?"
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a chap in Switzerland stood out:
"Being English is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, and then going home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American or Australian shows on a Japanese or Korean TV, which will soon be powered by a Chinese nuclear power station."
* * * * * * * *
"Optimism is going after Moby Dick in a rowboat; chutzpah is taking the tartar sauce with you!”
On Aging
Don’t worry about getting older.
You’re still going to do dumb shit,
Only slower.
As you get older you’ve got to stay positive.
For example, the other day I fell down the stairs…
Instead of getting upset I just thought
“Wow, that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years.”
My Great Grandma started giggling at a barbeque,
And when I asked what’s funny, she said
“Everyone here is alive because I got laid.”
It’s never too late to be what you want to be …
Unless you want to be younger,
Then you’re screwed!
Life is short -
Smile while you still have teeth!
I think I’m starting to lose my mind.
But as long as I keep the part that tells me when I’ve got to pee,
I should be okay.
The older we get,
The more we can’t believe how old we are.
What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet?
I asked my 26 brothers and sisters, and they didn’t know either.
Hmmmmm.
* * * * * * * *
Meet Walter Barnes
All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."
Then he calmly returned to his seat.
* * * * * * * *
The Preacher in Arkansas
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:
1. A Bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. A Playboy magazine.
I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
"If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be.
"If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
"And worst of all, if he picks up the magazine, he'll be a womanizer all his life!"
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the magazine's centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic
Hollywood Squares
Here are some of the best answers from the celebrity/comedians on this TV program from the 1970s.
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now!
Q .. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness!
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough..
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years...
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come right out and ask him if he's married?
A... Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
* * * * * * * *
No matter how many times I read those, I still enjoy them. Especially since I remember watching that program and know who all those responders were.
Time to wrap this up. It was fun last night watching my favorite women’s collegiate team win a big game against #7 South Carolina. My UCONN Lady Huskies are now 21-0 this year and firmly in first place. They are so much fun to watch. I’ve seen them play in person in Hartford a few times this year and they are really good.
Have a great weekend. Go PATS!!!
TGI-Jeff
