Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of another week. It’s Friday! Thank God, some of you say. For me, it’s just another day. But I remember when I was working full time and how much I loved Fridays. So, I still have an appreciation for the day. And this evening, I will be attending a special reception at the local Trout River brewery here in Springfield, for those who have invested in the company and for those of us who have been helping them out. I look forward to it.
It’s been cold this month for the most part, although we had a couple of days of thaw and rain and it really messed things up. We lost a lot of snow cover. However, in the last days we’ve got another 4 or 5 inches of snow. I hope to ski today at my local area. It should be good. I’ve been out 4 times already and my quads are finally in shape and not really sore after skiing 3 or 4 hours. I have a mid-week pass and the advantage is that there are few people on the slopes and not lift lines. I can ski 10 runs in 2 hours. So, often I just go over and ski for 2 or 2.5 hours and do 12 runs and then have lunch and come home.
What another week it has been for politics in America! It’s unbelievable! We may have a government shutdown. We may build a wall. We may find a solution for the DACA kids, or not. We may not extend CHIP. Or not. Trump might be 6’3” – or not. I think it’s time we should have a one-on-one basketball game between the POTUS #44 versus POTUS #45 to decide it all!
My New England Patriots are hosting the AFC Championship game on Sunday in Foxboro. On the other side, the Eagles are hosting the Vikings in the NFC game. I’m looking forward to hosting another Super Bowl Party here and just hope the Pats are in it – whether they play the Vikings (at home) or the Eagles.
Let’s dive into the material that you have sent me to use.
Marketing Explained
One buzzword in today's business world is MARKETING.
However, people often ask for an expanded explanation of "Marketing."
Well, here it is:
You're an attractive woman, and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends, and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, starts pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.
You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.
You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.
Your friend can't satisfy him, so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.
You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.
You are at a party; this old man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's Bill Clinton
You didn't mind it, but twenty years later, your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America!
* * * * * * * *
The Pope and Politics
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska. He was driving along near a campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods where he found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals and an old “Vote for Hillary” tee shirt.
The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly Bear.
As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers all wearing “Go Trump” shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious Democrat from the bears grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.
Two of the men dragged the dead bear onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.
As they began to leave the Pope summoned all of them over to him....
“I give you my blessing for your brave actions” he proclaimed. “I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republicans and Democrats but now I’ve seen with my own eyes that this not true”.
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies
“Who was that guy?”
“Dude that was the Pope” another replied.
“It is reported that he has access to all wisdom”
“Well” the logger said “ he may have access to all wisdom, but he don’t know shit about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still alive or do we have to go back to California to get another one?”
* * * * * * * *
Gezuntheit
It's bitterly cold outside the Shul.
Inside, Rabbi Bloom is getting fed up with the constant coughing that's disturbing his sermon.
So after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the Shamas and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem.
Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in Shul for his next sermon ...... And instructs him to give one cough drop to any congregant who begins coughing.
So next shabbos, during the Rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop.
Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this, the member immediately gets up and walks out of the Shul.
At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks:
"Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the
Shul?"
Hyman replies, "So vat did I tsaid? All I tsaid wuz: 'The Rabbi said "Fa Cough"!'.
So after the service ends, he goes over to old Hyman the Shamas and tells him that he needs his help to solve the problem.
Rabbi Bloom tells Hyman to have a large bowl of cough drops ready in Shul for his next sermon ...... And instructs him to give one cough drop to any congregant who begins coughing.
So next shabbos, during the Rabbi's sermon and following orders, every time a member coughs, Hyman walks over and hands out a cough drop.
Rabbi Bloom watches this out of the corner of his eye and notices that each time Hyman does this, the member immediately gets up and walks out of the Shul.
At the end of the service, half the members are gone, so Rabbi Bloom goes over to Hyman and asks:
"Nu, Hyman? So what did you say to the members that made them leave the
Shul?"
Hyman replies, "So vat did I tsaid? All I tsaid wuz: 'The Rabbi said "Fa Cough"!'.
* * * * * * * *
Senior Life Crisis
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said-
"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV; but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV; but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.
My wife is a very reasonable woman...She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!
* * * * * * * *
Lying Robot 4 Sale
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.
Robot for sale.
* * * * * * * *
Ordering a pizza
"Hello there - is this Gordon's Pizza?"
"No, sir - it's Google's Pizza."
" I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry."
"No, sir, this is the correct number. Google bought Gordon's Pizza last month."
"Oh! Okay then - I would like to order a pizza."
"Do you want your usual, sir?"
"My usual? You know me?"
"According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust."
"Right! That's just what I want."
"May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten-free, thin crust?"
"What? I detest vegetables!"
"Your cholesterol is not good, sir."
"How the hell do you know that?"
"Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood test for the last 7 years."
"Okay okay - but I don't want your awful vegetable pizza - I already take medication for my cholesterol."
"Excuse me, sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drug sale Network, 4 months ago."
"I bought more from another drugstore."
"That doesn't show on your credit card statement."
"I paid in cash."
"But you did not withdraw enough cash, according to your bank statement."
"I have other sources of cash."
"That doesn't show on your last tax return, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law."
"WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !"
"I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you."
"Enough! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without the Internet, without cable TV - some place where there is no cell phone service and no one to spy on me!!"
"I understand, sir. But do you know that you need to renew your passport first? It expired 6 weeks ago."
* * * * * * * *
Thanks for all your generous contributions. Without them, there would be no TGIF message!
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Keep warm!
Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
