TGIF - 05 January 2018

Greetings and Happy New Year! As I sit down to draft this on Thursday evening, January 4^th, I must admit that – other than going out to fetch the morning newspaper – I have happily spent the whole day in my house. That’s because this latest “Nor’easter storm” which they are calling a “cyclone-bomb” has arrived in Vermont in the morning after traveling up the Atlantic Coast from Florida. It’s been snowing all day and even though it hasn’t been as cold as it’s been in the last two weeks (and going to be on Saturday – when it will be well below 0 degrees Fahrenheit) I have not ventured outside – even to snowblow my driveway – because it is still snowing. I hope it stops by morning so that I can go out and use my snowblower to clear the driveway. We may get 6 to 8 inches, while they are saying Boston might get 18 inches!

It was nice to get so many Christmas cards from many friends in the USA and also many friends all over the world. It’s nice to read up on all the news of others. And especially nice to read positive things that people are doing; as opposed to what our government is doing. You will find several Mark Twain (and others) quote’s below which also are critical of government. And for your old-timer TGIF subscribers, you will recall that long ago I used to borrow and use a lot of Dave Barry’s material. Unfortunately, he now only writes an article about once a year. But how I enjoyed reading his recent “2017-Year in Review” article. He hasn’t lost a step! So, yes, … of course, I’m going to share the opening paragraphs of it with you now. (I hope and assume he won’t mind!)

Quote:

Looking back on 2017 is like waking up after a party where you made some poor decisions, such as drinking tequila squeezed from the underpants of a person you do not really know. (At least you hope it was tequila.)

The next day finds you laying naked in a dumpster in a different state, smeared from head to tow with a mixture of Sriracha sauce and glitter. At first you remember nothing. But then, as your throbbing brain slowly reboots, memories of the night before, disturbing memories, begin creeping into your consciousness. As the full, hideous picture comes into focus, you curl into a ball, whimpering, asking yourself over and over: Did that really happen?

That’s how we feel about 2017. It was a year so surreal, so densely populated with strange and alarming events, that you have to seriously consider the possibility that somebody – and when we say “somebody,” we mean “Russia” – was putting LSD in our water supply. A bizarre event would occur, and it would be all over the news, but before we could wrap our minds around it, another bizarre event would occur, then another and another, coming at us faster and faster, battering the nation with a Category 5 weirdness hurricane that left us hunkering down, clinging to our sanity, no longer certain what was real.

Unquote.

Those were just the opening paragraphs. He goes on to give a month-by-month synopsis of the news which is really funny – but scary.

Everyone is always asking me if I make New Years’ resolutions. So, this year, I’ve decided to attempt doing a few of them. No, not ones like losing weight or getting a face lift. I tried to come up with some practical ones. Here are my three:

1.     Stop making lists.

B.   Try being consistent.

7.   Learn how to count.

Anyway, let’s hope 2018 is better than 2017 – and not worse.

Let’s dive into my bag of your contributions. (I take no responsibility for the quality.)

Psychiatrists vs. Bartenders

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a psychiatrist and told him. . . 'I've got problems.  Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist - 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.

' 'How much do you charge?' 

'$100 per visit,' replied the doctor.  

'I'll sleep on it,' I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 

'Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, $100 a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $20.  I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new car!

'Is that so!'  With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?

' 'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!"

SCREW THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS .... GO HAVE A DRINK & TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER!

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Arthur Clark said.....

-It has Yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. 

-To know and not to do, is not Yet to know.

-Nature does not hurry, Yet everything is accomplished

-Always remember, your present situation is not the final destination. The best is Yet to come.

-Impossible only means, you haven’t found it Yet.

-I may not be there Yet, but I’m closer than I was yesterday.

-Do not rejoice over what has not Yet happened. 

-Love your neighbor, Yet pull not down your hedge. 

(TGIF editor’s note: I met Sir Arthur Clark in Sri Lanka near the end of his life.)

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"In my many years I have come to a conclusion, ... 

that one useless man is a shame,   

two [useless men] is a law firm 

and three or more [useless men] is a government."

 ~John Adams 

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"If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed and if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed." 

~Mark Twain 

(Edit. Note: I guess Mark Twain could foresee the Fake News movement)

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"I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying  to lift himself up by the handle."

~Winston Churchill 

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"A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."

~George Bernard Shaw  

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"Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries."

~ Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University 

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"Giving money and power to  government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys."

~P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian 

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"Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you!"

~Pericles (430  B.C.)  

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"No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session."

~Mark Twain  (1866)

                               

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"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other."

~ Ronald  Reagan  

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"The  only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."

~Mark Twain  

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"What this country needs are more unemployed politicians."

~Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)  

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"A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have."

 ~Thomas Jefferson  

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"We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office."

~Aesop  

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"If you think healthcare is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free!"

~P.J.  O'Rourke 

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *

"When I see lovers' names carved on trees, I don't think it's sweet. I only wonder how many people bring a knife on a date "

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Mathematics

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.

This is a strictly ..... mathematical viewpoint... and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% 

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. It's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

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Time to wrap up this first TGIF of 2018 and wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

Let’s hope that 2018 is better than 2017.

TGI-Jeff