Greetings from the Green Mountain State where our colors at present are green (the pine trees) and white (about 10 inches of snow cover) and so we are getting in the holiday spirit. Except even us hardy Yankee New Englanders don’t like the really cold temperatures like we’ve had these last few days. At least the ski areas must be happy.
I’ve been enjoying listening to my Xmas play list of most of the old favorites. It helps get me in the mood for writing my Christmas cards, along with some nice scented candles. But I’ve interrupted that process for a little bit to try and issue you all a TGIF message. After all, it is the last work day of the week and only 10 days until Christmas Day! Happy Holidays!
With the never-ending outing of many powerful men for sexual misconduct, I understand that one male office manager told his staff that he didn’t think it would be a good idea to hang the mistletoe over his office door this year. Good idea!
In Alabama this last Tuesday, a very Republican state, voters turned out to elect a democrat over the favored but flawed candidate, Republican Roy Moore. Allegations came out a month ago about his transgressions of forty years ago where he was accused by a half dozen women (some underage at the time) of sexual misconduct. Despite those accusations, President Trump continued to support and campaign for him, arguing that (something like this) a sexual predator of young women was better than “a leftist Democrat”. The post election coverage of this special election to fill the senatorial slot vacated by Beauregard Jeffrey Sessions when Trump tapped him for US Attorney General has revealed the work of the NAACP to get the vote out among the black and Latino communities. I heard one Black interviewee say that this all started with the March at Selma in 1965, when young people from all over the country descended on Alabama to assist in registering voters of color. When of a few these people were killed while doing this, thousands of people from all over the country went to Selma, including my own mother. So, I can imagine that she would be very proud and happy that those seeds planted way back then have now borne some fruit.
To be continued.
Time to reach into the mailbag/jokebag and see what I can pull out and use.
Remember not to blame me for the material. It’s just a matter of “garbage in – then garbage out!”
So, How’d You Break Your Arm?
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.
He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.
He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.
So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage.
So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.
Yep, you got it... she had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.
Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon.
The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I had moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?"
* * * * * * * *
Sharp Senior Citizen
A retired older couple return to a BMW dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a very revealing outfit.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man... "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price.... see you later Dad"
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man... "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price.... see you later Dad"
* * * * * * * *
CURRENCY NEWS FROM CANADA.....
The Royal Canadian Mint has just announced they are going to remove the polar bear from the $2 coin in view of its demise due to global warming!
At the height of political correctness, they will replace it with two gay deer.
The coin will now be called “two fuckin’ bucks"!
* * * * * * * *
You have to love little kids.
“The Little Piece of Candy with the Hole in the Middle”
A class was having a lesson about LifeSavers candy.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow...............Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange .............Orange
Yellow...............Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange .............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY Lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
* * * * * * * *
Ghandi
Ghandi was very much disliked by one of his professors in England, who lost no opportunity to disparage, insult or simply criticize him. Consequently Ghandi lost no chance to set him up. On one occasion, Ghandi came into the cafeteria and sat down next to the professor to eat lunch. The irritated professor pointed out that “birds don’t associate with pigs”. Ghandi promptly replied that he would “fly over to another seat”.
On another occasion, Ghandi handed in a test paper to the professor who wrote “idiot” on it. Ghandi took it back to the professor and pointed out – “You signed my test but forgot to give me a grade”.
Finally the professor asked Ghandi, “If you were walking down the street and saw two cartons in front of you, one marked Wisdom and the other Money, which would you choose?” Ghandi immediately responded – “Money”. Ahh said the professor; “ I would choose wisdom” to which Ghandi responded –“Every man wants what he does not have”.
* * * * * * * *
And speaking of wise men, like Ghandi ……
Observations from a wise old man
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it.
I said, "Left Tackle?"
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
If life deals you lemons, make lemonade. If life deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
* * * * * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF GOLDEN CLASSIC!
But just before that, remember this little piece of advice:
If at first you don’t succeed, SKYDIVING is not for you!
Winter
Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Wisconsin asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'
* * * * * * * *
It’s hard to tell here what kind of winter we may have. At least we have snow for the holidays. We’ll take it one week at a time after that. And I will likely “fly south” for a few weeks in late February to break up my winter in Vermont.
Wishing you all either Happy Hanukah, or Happy Solstice Day, or Merry Christmas, or Happy Holidays or Happy New Year; - whatever applies!
Til next year, enjoy the holidays!
TGI-Jeff
