Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of the last week of November. Remember the old Burma Shave (you’d have to be at least over 60 or 65) one about the number of days in the months? Thirty Days Hath September, April, June and the Speed Offender. Actually, that should have been November, if you weren’t speeding. I doubt that even way back then you’d get thirty days behind bars for speeding!
Well, speaking of speeding, we have flown through November and now December is already here. Hard to believe. I see that some people already have their Christmas lights up. I guess I know what I am going to do this weekend. Each year I say I am going to do that BEFORE it gets cold and each year I don’t get around to doing that until it is freezing outside.
I had a great Thanksgiving with family in DC at Joya and Christopher’s house. Chris’s parents drove from Chicago and I, from Vermont, naturally. I picked Jonathan up in Brooklyn on the way down. Traffic wasn’t too bad, although worse than normal. Chris, Joya and Jon cooked all the dishes for the meal and it was great. The others of us brought breakfast stuff and bought the wine, but the three of them put on a great meal. We were joined by Martha and Fred too, for the meal. So, a good time was had by all!
Driving back home on Saturday with Jon, and Sunday from Brooklyn to my home in Vermont, I learned that it was 240 miles from DC to Brooklyn and the same 240 miles from Brooklyn to home. Interesting.
All the news of the recent weeks has been disappointing and depressing.
The number of men in powerful positions who are being accused of some form of sexual harassment is increasing by the day. It’s about time that women feel that they can speak out on this issue and be believed.
But since this is the TGIF and not a blog on gender equality and sensitivity, let me just say that I am reminded of this old one:
Said an “unfortunate looking” (thank you, BPT) female employee to the CEO, “All the other women in the company are suing you for sexual harassment, except for me. So, since you haven’t sexually harassed me, I plan on suing you for discrimination.”
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Bernie Speaks Up on Sexual Harassment
Then there was our Vermont Senator speaking the other day about Sexual Harassment.
He said, “Let me be perfectly clear. I did not get groped by Donald Trump. I got screwed by Hilary Clinton”.
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The following one would not have gotten past my former censor (my late mother) despite the introduction. But I can’t help it if you have a dirty mind and think of something else but the literal meaning.
The Birch Tree and the Beech Tree
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
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A Few Brief Ones
Q: An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?
A: It doesn't matter - none of them exist.
Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?
A: That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!
A: That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
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MY KIND OF GIRL...
A little girl was talking to her father. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"The whole ISIS group," she says.
"Why them?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."
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George and the Dragon
A homeless guy is traveling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across
a Pub called the "George and the Dragon."
Although it's late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.
The innkeeper's wife sticks her head out of a window.
"Could I have some food?" he asks.
The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, "No!"
"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"
"Any chance of a pint of ale then?"
"No!" she says again.
"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"
"Could I at least sleep in your barn?"
"No!" By this time, she was shouting.
The down-and-out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"
The down-and-out says, "OK Then Might I please...?"
"What now?" the woman shouts impatiently.
"Might I please have a word with George?
"Might I please have a word with George?
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I really liked that one. Now, go back and look at the title of the joke. Got it? Sweet!
Poor George!
Energy-Efficient Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Helloooo,........... just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged..
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year--that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---
Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Don’t Despair
Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Judy opened a letter from home one evening. Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent. Sister Judy smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamppost below. Quickly, she wrote, "Don't despair. - Sister Judy," on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man's attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Judy was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her.
She went down, and found the stranger waiting. Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.
"What's this?" she asked.”
That's the $8,000 you have coming Sister," he replied. "Don't Despair paid 80-to-1."
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Here’s another one that would not have made it past the TGIF censor back in the day. Oh well. I guess you all don’t care about that anymore!
Aliens Land in Arizona
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.
Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."
“Rubbish!” replied the young alien, then aimed his weapon and opened fire.
There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never ever mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
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This explains why friends forward jokes.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying and that the dog walkingbeside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, “Excuse me, where are we?”
“This is Heaven, sir,” the man answered.
“Wow! Would you happen to have some water?”The man asked.
“Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.” The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
“Can my friend,” gesturing toward his dog, “come in, too?” the traveller asked.
“I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.”
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
“Excuse me!” he called to the man. “Do you have any water?”
“Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.”
“How about my friend here?” the traveller gestured to the dog.
“There should be a bowl by the pump,” said the man.
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree. “What do you call this place?” the traveller asked.
“This is Heaven,” he answered.
“Well, that's confusing,” the traveller said. “The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'”
“Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell.”
“Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?”
“No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.”
So-o-o-o. Now you see, sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding stuff to us without writing a word. Maybe this will explain it.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, Guess what you do? You forward emails! When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes! When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how . . . . You forward stuff!
A 'forward' lets you know that . . .
. . . You are still remembered,
. . . You are still important,
. . . You are still loved,
. . . You are still cared for.
So, next time if you get a 'forward', don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are welcome at my water bowl anytime !!
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You are welcome at my water bowl anytime!
But for now, it’s time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend as we move into the Holiday Season.
All the best!
TGI-Jeff
