Greetings on this Friday the first of July. Happy national day to our Canadian neighbors to the north. We’ll celebrate our day on Monday the fourth!
It’s hard to believe that half of the year 2016 is already behind us!
I bet a lot of you have been watching the EURO 2016. I have too. They’ve reached the quarterfinal stage and Portugal beat Poland in the first of those 4 games yesterday in Marseille. It beats following the turmoil following the Brexit vote last week! Although the English team probably would rather have their citizens talking about Brexit that their team’s early exit from EURO 2016 – at the hands of Iceland, no less. What a great story for those of us neutral in following the games. Even my little state of Vermont has almost twice as many people as Iceland!
The month of Ramadan is coming to an end in a few days. I can’t understand how Muslims living in the northern latitudes during this time of year (peak summer) can fast for almost 16 hours per day! Anyway, it’s almost over and I wish Eid Mubarack to all my friends who have been fasting.
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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while.
Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian.
The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says,
"That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
"That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians.
The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said
"That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there.
They arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray.
They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying,
"That's odd . . . "
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Airport Screening Results
Finally, some useful facts are coming out of all those airport full body scans!
CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results
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March 2016 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :
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Terrorists Discovered
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0
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Transvestites
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133
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Hernias
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1,485
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Hemorrhoid Cases
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3,172
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Enlarged Prostates
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8,249
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Breast Implants
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59,350
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Natural Blondes
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3
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It was also discovered that 408 politicians had no balls.
Thought you'd like to know.
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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH
Go Figure . . . . .
1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.
2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION..
3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
4. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
5. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?
6. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
7. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
8. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
9. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
10. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE 'DRIVE-THROUGH' BANK MACHINES?
12. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?
13. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
14. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?
15. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
16. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?
17.. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTA, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
18. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?
19. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
20. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
21. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRY DATE ON SOUR CREAM?
22. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?
23. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?
24. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?
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Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had
the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:
SLOW--SCHOOL
CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:
SLOW:
CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR CHICKS
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It's all in a name.
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with five young mothers & their small children.
"You all have obsessions", he stated. "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children”.
To the first mother, Mary, he said: "You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy”.
He turned to the second Mum, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names, Penny, Goldie and Frank”.
He turned to the third Mum, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol.
This too shows itself in your children's names: Brandy and Sherry. You even called the cat, Whisky”.
He then turned to the fourth Mum June: "Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne & Poppy".
At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Grab Fanny and Willly, we're going".
* * * * * * * *
The Wisdom of Age
IN YOUR 40’S …
Every man over 40 is a scoundrel – George Bernard Shaw
No one is young after 40 but one can be irresistible at any age – Coco Chanel
I was told that when you hit 40 men stop looking at you. it’s true until you slip on a mini-skirt – Mariella Frostrup
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly and lie about your age – Lucille Ball
At 40 your idea of weight lifting is standing up – anon
To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early or be respectable – Oscar Wilde
When you’re 40 you act like 18 one night and feel 118 the morning after – anon
After 40 a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face and stay sitting down – Barbara Cartland
Is it a coincidence that the Roman numerals for 40 are XL? – anon
IN YOUR 50’S …
A man who views the world at 50 as he did at 20 has wasted 30 years of his life – Muhammad Ali
At 50 confine your piercings to sardine cans – Joan Rivers
At 50 you’ve entered the stone age: gall, kidney and bladder – anon
I don’t know how you feel about old age, but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me in the rear – Phyllis Diller
When you get to 52 food becomes more important than sex – Pru Leith
It seems that after the age of 50 I began to age at the rate of about three years per year. I began falling asleep during sex rather than after – anon
IN YOUR 60’S …
If you can’t have fun as an ageing sex symbol when you hit 60 I don’t know what will become of you – Raquel Welch
You know you’re 60 when your back goes out more than you do – anon
You know you’re getting old when a four-letter word for something pleasurable two people can do in bed together is R-E-A-D – Denis Norden
With my sunglasses on I’m Jack Nicholson. Without them I’m fat and 60 – Jack Nicholson
Don’t retouch my wrinkles in the photograph. I would not want it to be thought that I had lived for all these years without having anything to show for it – The Queen Mother
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65 I had pimples – George Burns
On my 60th birthday my wife gave me a superb present. She let me win an argument – anon
IN YOUR 70’S …
The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills and wills – author Richard John Needham
I can still enjoy sex at 75. I live at 76 so it’s no distance – Bob Monkhouse
Avenge yourself. Live long enough to be a problem for your children – Kirk Douglas
Is it me or are pensioners getting younger these days? – The Queen Mother, age100
My hairdresser spends more time digging hair out of my ears than off the top of my head – Des Lynam
I don’t need you to remind me of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me – Stephen Fry
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes and I can’t remember the other two – Sir Norman Wisdom
AND FINALLY … A FEW MORE QUOTES …
I have had amnesia ever since I can remember – Ken Dodd
I have just bought this book on how to develop a super memory but I can’t remember where I put it – Ken Dodd
I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type – Bob Hope
If God had intended us to fly He would have made it easier to get to the airport – Jonathan Winters
The first piece of luggage on a carousel never belongs to anyone – George Roberts
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric – Doug Hamwell
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats – Jean Kerr
Lawyers believe a person is innocent until proven broke – Robin Hall
I mean, part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich – Donald Trump
Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on Saturday night – Woody Allen
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limitations – Albert Einstein
A good speech should be like a woman’s skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest – Winston Churchill
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results – Albert Einstein
I’d like to live like a poor man, only with lots of money – Pablo Picasso
I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don’t always agree with them – George W. Bush
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There seems to have been a sub-theme of “wisdom” in this week’s material. So, I think the following old one should aptly qualify for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic:
The wisdom of Socrates
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip around.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
In ancient Greece, Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.
One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going
to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what
you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter
of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.
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Time to wrap this long one up and wish you all a Happy Friday and First of July. And while you’re at it, have a great weekend. Here it will be a 3-day weekend with the Fourth on Monday added on. Enjoy the fireworks and for those following EURO 2016, enjoy the fireworks there!
TGI-Jeff
