Greetings from your Friday guy on this Friday the 15th of July. I took a week off, partly because I’m too busy with all my summertime activities and partly because I don’t get enough new material to use every week. Some of you might appreciate that I don’t always use old stuff. Some of you could care less, I realize, too. And some of you test me and my censors to use material that is a bit more than risqué!
I enjoyed watching the EURO 2016 championship and although France probably should have won, especially after defeating both Italy and Germany in order to make the final, on home turf, Portugal somehow found a way of winning games this tourney without really winning them. Then, they lost their star player, Rinaldo, in the 25th minute of the final. Apparently, it is the first major tournament that Portugal has won and so I’m okay with that. My son Phil is in Thailand and loves football (soccer to some) and was frustrated because all the final games started at 2 a.m. his local time there.
This week was a bit rough on some of us as it was 2 years ago on the 13th that Pam died. Many friends have told me that it doesn’t get easier over time and I realize that that is true. But we try to focus on the positive memories and influence she had on me, our kids and so many people that she touched over the years. I posted a short blurb about this on Facebook on Wednesday and was truly touched by all the positive comments I saw from people we know all over the world. Our family now looks forward to the wedding of our daughter Joya here over the Labor Day weekend.
Apparently, we have a bear who visits our neighborhood, in addition to all the other wildlife, including deer, skunks, moose, raccoons, fox, coyotes and more.
Bears
If you see a bear in the woods, how do you tell if it’s a black bear or a grizzly bear?
Climb a tree. If it climbs up after you and kills you, it’s a black bear. If it knocks the tree down and kills you, it’s a grizzly bear.
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Why Teachers Drink
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons?
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees might a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A, E, I, O, U
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Teaching Good Manners
During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to go pee."
"That would be rude and impolite! ! ! What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
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CLEVER WORDS FOR CLEVER PEOPLE
1. ARBITRATOR
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald’s.
2. BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through.
4. AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.
7. HEROES
What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. PARADOX
Two physicians.
10. PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm.
11. RELIEF
What trees do in the spring.
12. RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife.
13. SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does.
14. SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official.
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Everything is Big in Texas
There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas. When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, "Wow, these seats are big!" The person next to him answered, "Everything is big in Texas."
When he arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and got a mug placed between his hands. He exclaimed, "Wow these mugs are big!" The bartender replied, "Everything is big in Texas."
After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the bartender where the bathroom was located. The bartender replied, "Second door to the right." The blind man headed for the bathroom, but accidentally tripped over and skipped the second door. Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.
Scared to death, the blind man started shouting, "Don't flush, don't flush!"
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(TGIF editor’s note: I remember hearing a version of the above joke when I was in fourth grade and thought it was hilarious!)
An Unstoppable Computer Virus
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one.
It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!
That too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
Yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
Aha!
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
Well well!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
Oh, no not again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
And I just hate that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
Oh No!
IT'S CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
Have I already sent this to you?
Or did you send it to me?
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FOR ALL YOU SMART PHONE USERS!
Daughter Texts Dad on Wedding Proposal
Today's generation daughter texts Dad on
MODERN MARRIAGE WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats
on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months
of relationship through Viber.
on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months
of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need
your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding! Lots of love and
thanks, from your favorite daughter Lilly.
your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding! Lots of love and
thanks, from your favorite daughter Lilly.
Lilly's Dad's reply (also texting)
My Dear Lilly,
Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it
all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, just
sell him on Ebay! L.O.L.,
all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, just
sell him on Ebay! L.O.L.,
Daddy!
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Home Depot
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary Ann if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary Ann asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $1,200.00.”
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range ..."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot...
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Greek History
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.
In those days the athletes performed naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great festival, Gedophamee observed the waves of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed:
"Oh! Limp pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this newfound knowledge with you. Enjoy the Summer Olympics!
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I hope they go well and people don’t get Zika and so forth.
Time to wrap this one up and get back to work. The guestroom bathroom remodeling project is underway and I’m looking forward to seeing the finished product!
It’s halfway through the major league baseball season and my Red Sox are in contention once again, but will need some good pitching to finish well. It’s David Ortiz’s last season and it’s been one of his best, even though he is now 40!!! Some of us think that 40 is not too old and wish we could be there again!
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
