Greetings from the Friday message guy from his usual spot. However, since I wrote last a few weeks ago, our Green Mountain state has been hit by the revelation of a major corruption scandal that has taken place up in the northeast of our state. It is linked to the special visa (EB-5) that is offered to foreigners who invest a large sum (at least ½ a million dollars) into projects that create employment and assets. So, as much as I would like to think that these things don’t happen here in Vermont, our state is apparently just as prone to corruption as anywhere else in the world, unfortunately. This reminds me of the old one that I heard when living in Pakistan. Several years ago, some agency started ranking the most corrupt countries in the world. In the first result, Pakistan finished in second place, just behind Nigeria. However, the word around Islamabad was that originally, Pakistan had ranked first, but that some high-ranking Pakistani officials bribed the Nigerians into accepting the top ranking!
The crazy weather fluctuations continue. We’ve had days of very warm weather throughout what was supposed to be our winter and now that it is spring, and we had very little snow when it was supposed to snow, Vermont received a few inches of the white stuff this week. And nights have been cold with temperatures below freezing and day-time temperatures lower than normal. However, I did manage to play 18 holes of golf today with temperatures in the high 40s. I played better than usual, with a half dozen pars and even one birdie. But I’m not too optimistic as the next time I’ll try harder and play worse.
Meanwhile, the U.S. presidential primary campaign has advanced to the stage where it looks like Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton will be the Republican and Democratic candidates, respectively.
What do I think about this? Well, read on!
Here are a few for the political season:
When asked what he thought about a politician’s speech, one man replied “He reminds me of the horns on a steer – a point here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between.”
A politician may change his views, not because he sees the light, but because he feels the heat.
The hardest job a politician has is to find a way to correct a mistake without admitting he has made one.
Remember now, we’re seeking a political candidate, not a product. We don’t have to worry about truth in advertising.
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Job Opportunity
A retired man went into the Job Center in Downtown Denver and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.
The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $65,000, and you'll have to go to Billings, Montana."
"Good grief", the man asked, "Is that where the job is?"
"No sir . . . that's where the end of the line is right now.
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New Element Discovered
Scientists at CERN in Geneva have recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element is Governmentium (Gv). It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
Since Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
When added to any procedure, a tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that normally takes less than a second, to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron advancement leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons. All of the money is consumed in the exchange, and no other by-products are produced.
Further news of radioactive decay of Governmentium with possible explosive effects is expected momentarily.
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Witty One-Liners
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.
I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.
I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
Money is the root of all wealth.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
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1966 ~ vs. ~ 2016 Vlntage Humor
1966: Long hair
2016: Longing for hair
1966: KEG
2016: EKG
1966: Acid rock
2016: Acid reflux
1966: Moving to California because it's cool
2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm
1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2016: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage
1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM
1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint
1966: Rolling Stones
2016: Kidney Stones
1966: Screw the system
2016: Upgrade the system
1966: Disco
2016: Costco
1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2016: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1966: Passing the drivers' test
2016: Passing the vision test
1966: Whatever
2016: Depends
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Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:
The people who are starting college this coming fall across the nation were born in 1998.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced 7 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine..
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control..
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane.."
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.
Mc Donald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.
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Florida woman saves herself in alligator attack using a small Beretta pistol
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest calibre that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire testimonial....
Here is her story in her own words:
"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside of my home in Florida with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.
The alligator must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!
Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took....
The 'gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.
The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible!!!
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And here’s another one in the same vein.
A New Puppy
Below a photo of a cute little puppy was written this message:
“This is Fritzy, I bought him as a surprise present for my husband but it turns out he's allergic to dogs. So unfortunately I'm going to have to find a new home for him, and I'm just wondering if anyone out there can help.
His name is Don, he’s 73, great at DIY (Do It Yourself), bathes on a regular basis, and does light housework.
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Time for the weekly TGIF Golden Classic
The Squirrel problem
There were four churches and a synagogue in a small town: a Presbyterian church, a Baptist church, a Methodist church, a Catholic church and a Jewish synagogue. Each church and the synagogue had a problem with squirrels.
The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.
But the Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue, they took one squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
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Wonder what the Unitarian Universalists would have done!?
The spring is springing and I hope the weather warms up a few degrees. We could use a little more rain too. After all, how can we have May flowers if we don’t get the April showers? Ah, yes : and what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims.
Looking forward to May Day on Sunday. Have a great weekend!
TGI-Jeff
