Greetings from your Friday guy, reporting in once again from his nice spot in the Green Mountain State. I’ve spent much of this week looking out at the forlorn lawn and thinking it would be nice if it warmed up a bit and the grass started to turn green. But then I’d have to fix my lawnmower. But at least it warmed up enough for me to play 18 holes at Crown Point CC, my local club, on Thursday in temperatures in the 50s.
It seems like we’ll not have much of a mud season this year as the snow has long since melted and there hasn’t been much rain. The golf course was fairly dry today except for the first hole which has tended to be a bit slushy in the early season in recent years.
The NBA and the NHL regular seasons came to an end this week and the playoffs will begin in a few days. My Boston Bruins have missed out this year, while my Celtics are in it and might do well. However, the Golden State Warriors won a record 73 games (out of 82!) in the NBA and will likely repeat as champions. The Euro Champions league is down to the final four and the draw is today for the next pairings. Good luck to my friends who are ManCity supporters!
I’m waiting for the Town to do some street sweeping and cleaning before I get out on my road bike, as there is a lot of sand and gravel all over them from the winter treatments of them – even though we got only about a total of 15 inches of snow.
It's April 15th and tax day here in the USA. Ugh!
I might take a few weeks off from this duty as I just don’t have the material to share. It’s getting harder and harder to find enough stuff to put together one of these. There is one thing you all can do about this and I think you know what that is!
This edition seems to be mainly about rednecks and Yiddish humor, with a few others and oldies thrown in.
A New Definition of E. D.
Someone finally found a name for our election process for this year:
ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION: The inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.
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Wal-Mart Senior Greeter
You just have to appreciate this one.
Young people forget that we old people had a career before we retired.....
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I am sorry and am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear."
"Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder."
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, "I know you're retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?"
The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled.
He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin, "They usually saluted and said, Good morning General, can I get your coffee, sir?”
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Two Simple Truths and Two Rules to live by
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story - - - In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and say, "Good job".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and say, "Good job".
Moral of the story - - - Hard work is rarely appreciated.
TWO RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.
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Three Rednecks
Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.
Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?'
'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'
Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.
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You’re an EXTREME Redneck when ....
1) You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2) The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3) You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4) You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5) You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
6) Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch this.'
7) You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8) Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9) Your junior prom offered day care.
10) You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.’
11) You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12) The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13) You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14) One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15) You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16) You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17) You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
And in closing…Two good ol' boys in an Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant. After a while the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"The second guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"
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Yiddish humor
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport
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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
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We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed.
My wife calls it the Dead Sea.
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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
* * *
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!"
Patient: "I AM 60!"
Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"
* * *
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand? The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
* * *
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
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A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She \said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."
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It’s time for this week’s TGIF Golden Classic:
Nursing home test
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a nursing home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
"No," he said, "a normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
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Time to warp this one up and wish my little sister Noreen a happy birthday tomorrow!
I’m also looking forward to going to our churches’ coffee house tomorrow night and hearing the Woodchuck’s Revenge folk band. They are from Vermont and are really good! I listened to their CD during my recent southern car trip.
And remember: It's not whether you win or lose; but how you place the blame!
Unless I got a lot of new material in the next 7 days, it may be a few weeks before you hear from me again. Have a nice spring!
TGI-Jeff
