Greetings from your TGIF editor for the first time in four weeks, but from his usual spot in Vermont after being away on my second annual southern trip for three weeks. It’s good to be home! I’ve learned that most Vermonters enjoy traveling but really miss our Green Mountain State while away and just love to get back home! Although having gotten used to the daily temperatures down in the Carolinas in the 60s and 70s, it was a shock to come back up north and have temperatures in the 30s (and less) and have to deal with the cold wind still a blowin’! We even had about 2 inches of snow on Monday of this week. But the sun on Tuesday melted a lot of that. I didn’t even bother shoveling my driveway this time. I’ll let Mother Nature take care of it! On Thursday it rained most of the afternoon and early evening and now all the snow is gone.
One good thing about not producing a TGIF message in one month is that it allows some material to build up in my tgif mailbox – not necessarily “new” material, though. So, today I have some funny stuff – but most of it qualifies as TGIF golden oldies. And there seems to be common theme in most of the material – which is improper language or poor communications.
Have you all been following the crazy presidential primary campaign? I know that a lot of folks are getting fed up with it. Not only on this side of the pond, it seems. Queen Elisabeth has decided to take action.
A Message from the Queen
To All the Citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years...to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
TGIF Editor: I was asked to only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (not humor)!
* * * * * * * *
I saw a good one on a bumper sticker during my trip. He went something like this:
“Every family has a weird person in it. If you can’t think of one in yours, it’s probably you!”
I guess that’s about right.
* * * * * * * *
Was It Something I Said?
I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"
And that's the last thing I remember.
* * * * * * * *
Another Miscommunication
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she fainted and crashed to the floor. Her son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read: "To my loving wife, I know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones. I've just been checked in. How are you and the kids? This place is really nice but I'm lonely here. I have made necessary arrangements for your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you."
* * * * * * * *
CAN YOU GET MARRIED IN HEAVEN?
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St Peter shows up, they asked him.
St Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. As they waited, they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, 'Are we stuck together forever?'
After yet another month, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'but we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St Peter shouted. 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?!'
* * * * * * * *
An 86-year old senior named Bob was stopped by a police officer at 2 a.m. He asked Bob where he was going at that time of night.
Bob replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving a lecture at this time of night?"
Bob replied, "My wife."
* * * * * * * *
A Love Story....
An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge..."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes………?
* * * * * * * *
If it had only been 72, it would have been “par for the course”.
Speaking of golf, this is the weekend of the Masters at Augusta. It doesn’t look like the weather there is going to be very good, though. A lot of young players are capable of winning this one. I think that Jason Day, Jordan Spieth and Bubba Watson have good chances to win the green jacket this year. We’ll see! (I am drafting this before it begins!)
This week also was the conclusion of the NCAA men’s and women’s basketball tournaments. UNC and Villanova had a great game and an exciting last 5 seconds in the men’s and the UCONN Lady Huskies swept their way to their fourth national title in a row. What a team this is/was!
Just want to thank the following family and friends for their hospitality during my trip south: Joya and Chris; Jill and Richard; Dave and Robyn; Dale and Marie; Evelyn; Bill and Cynthia; Bill and Phyllis; Peter; Martha; Kevin and Pat; and Jonathan. It was a great trip! I put about 3,600 miles on my Honda Accord, which now has 105,000 miles on it. But it was nice to only have to spend under $2 per gallon of gas (errrr, I mean petrol).
The local ski areas have closed and I’m looking forward to getting out on my bike, as well as on the local golf course.
I’m thinking and hoping that the mud season this year won’t be too bad. Have my fingers crossed!
Time to wish older brother Nate a happy birthday on Saturday the 9th!
Until next week, take care and remember not to do anything I wouldn’t!
TGI-Jeff
