Greetings from your TGIF editor on this 22nd of January – and it’s a Friday so we can say TGIF! I can also wish my good friend, best man and my “Prez” – a very happy birthday! Hope we can get together at some point this year and play a little golf and so forth!
I often forget how much of myself I do actually reveal in these “intros” to my Friday message. So, I guess I don’t need to tell you all that I’ve always been interested in astronomy. This includes time keeping, sundials, Stonehenge and a pretty good knowledge of the stars, planets and constellations. When I was a Peace Corps Volunteer in Mali in the 1970s I was amazed at the night sky and all the stars that I could see due to the lack of pollution and bright light interference. Thanks to a book on astronomy that my brother Nate sent to me there, I learned a lot about the planets, constellations, the moon and the sun and more. I keep on learning. Recently an old Vermonter told me that her father used to say that in February, the full moon shines staight down the chimney. Wow! That’s right. Given that the moon is not on the same plane of the Earth, Sun and the other planets, it seems to travel over us in the northern hemisphere in the winter months like the sun does in the summer months. Therefore, by tomorrow the full moon will be moving right over my house and it’s light could likely come straight down my chimney at midnight.
Another thing to look for in the next days and weeks, especially if you are an early riser, before dawn, is the alignment of 5 planets in the pre-dawn sky. Jupiter will be visible high in the pre-dawn sky and in a line (astronomers call it the “elliptical”) from there down to the eastern horizon will be in this order (I think): Mars, Saturn, Venus and Mercury. Venus is very bright and Jupiter is bright; but it would be hard for most people to tell the difference between the other 3 planets and other stars. But as the ancients used to call the planets, they are the wandering stars, as they move as opposed the all the other stellar objects that pretty much remain in the same place.
These 5 planets will be visible in the pre-dawn sky for the next several weeks.
Time to look into the joke bag and see what I’ve got to share this week.
I am going to start off today’s TGIF with a little poem that seems to be very apt for people in my age bracket and older.
Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter
And winter seems much colder.
There was a time not long ago
When life was quite a blast.
Now I fully understand
About 'Living in the Past'
We used to go to weddings,
Football games and lunches.
Now we go to funeral homes
And after-funeral brunches.
We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And wile the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.
We used to often travel
To places near and far.
Now we get sore asses
From riding in the car.
We used to go to nightclubs
And drink a little booze.
Now we stay home at night
And watch the evening news.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damned old!
* * * * * * * *
Two Old Jewish Men
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies,"I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
"He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews.”
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Elk Sex
Two old men are drinking in a bar. One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?"
"Aww, shit!" says his friend, "and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!"
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A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:
Husband: "Sukitaki. mojitaka!"
Wife replies: "Kowanini! mowi janakpa!"
Husband says angrily: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"
Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"
Husband shouts angrily: "Na miaou kina Tim kouji!"
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I can't believe you just sat there trying to read this -...
And you don’t even know Japanese …..anese...
You'll read anything as long as it's about sex...
You need serious help!!!
..... Sometimes I worry about you.
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Mensa – Great Minds and Problem Solving
Some years ago, there was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco. Mensa, as you know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe.
When they sat down, one of them discovered that the salt shaker contained pepper & the pepper shaker was full of salt.
How could they swap the contents of the 2 bottles without spilling any & using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem, presented ideas & finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw & an empty saucer.
They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
"Miss", they said, "We couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt & the salt shaker - ".
But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted, "Oh! Sorry about that".
She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles & switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.
* * * * * * * *
Chicago
Bob was sitting on the plane waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.
The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking in fear.
"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.
"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicago. The people are crazy there, right? Lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."
Bob replied, "I've lived in Chicago all my life. It's not as bad as the media says.
Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, and enroll your kids in a nice private school.
I've worked there for 14 years and never had the slightest trouble."
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you've lived and worked there all those years and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it.
What do you do for a living?"
“I'm the tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.”
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Time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week:
A Parrott Without Feet
A fellow is browsing in a pet store, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn’t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'
The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'
'Holy cow,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'
'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and thoroughly educated bird'
'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet?'
'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.'
'Wow,' says the guy. You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'
'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.
I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me; I'd be a great companion.'
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.
'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'
'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause
I don't have any feet.
You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!'
The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by.
The parrot is sensational!
He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.
The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssst' and motions him over with one wing.
'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.'
'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.
'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'
'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.
'THEN what happened?'
'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over' reported the parrot.
'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him?'
'Yes.'
'Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'
Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'
'I DUNNO; I got a hard-on, and fell off my perch!'
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I hope I haven’t offended too many of you with my material this week. I had a friend who I saw last week who said that my TGIF of last Friday was not one of my best, but he quickly added that he understood that it was not my fault as I am only using the stuff that I am provided. Truer words have never been spoken!
The skiing has been great (thanks to man-made snow) and I hope to go again today. Yesterday I did 14 runs and about 18,500 feet of vertical drop. My legs are a bit tired! Meanwhile the eastern seaboard is preparing to get from 1 to 2 feet of snow in the next days. Sadly, that storm will not dump any of the white stuff on us up here.
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend! Go Pats! Beat those Broncos!
See you next week!
TGI-Jeff
