Greetings from your Friday guy at the end of the second week of 2016, reporting in as usual from my spot in Springfield, Vermont, USA. However, I no longer draft this weekly message from the “TGIF dungeon” downstairs as it was too depressing sitting down there, as it has no windows. So now I sit at my desk in the sunroom and use my macbookpro to compose this message. This room has lots of windows and a nice wood pellet stove to keep me warm.
I feel like saying something like “It’s been another quiet week in Lake Wobegon”! On Monday I took my 2005 Honda Accord in for servicing as it just reached 100,000 miles. I remember as a kid what a huge deal it was when our Chevy or Ford reached 100,000 miles. At the Honda dealership I saw testimonials from owners of all kinds of Hondas, where they had reached 240,000 miles or more. Times have changed and you have to hand it to the automakers in Japan (and Korea, etc.) Even US automakers have recovered since 2008 and had a great year in 2015!
Which brings me to the State of the Union speech by President Obama. Depending on your political persuasion, it was either a very good and inspiring speech or a not very good one from a president who has failed. One of the media pundits mentioned that the combined average approval rating of all the people in the room where the president spoke is 9%. You’d think that that fact might provoke some more bi-partisan efforts. Not likely though!
I’ve slowly learned that with my friends and family it is unwise to talk politics if you want to remain on good terms. So, since they are not going to change my views and I am not going to change theirs, all we can do is go out and vote, each and every time we have the opportunity.
Tennis (indoors in winter) was very good on Wednesday night and skiing was good on Thursday. My friend Evelyn is heading south today with a lot of other snowbirds at this time of annual migration to escape the long and cold winter. I am also starting to plan my trip south by car during the last few weeks of March. Any of my friends between here and Florida that would like to see me and have a bed in exchange for dinner out should let me know. I’ll plan my itinerary and dates in the coming days. It was so much fun last year doing this. I’ll also bring my golf clubs.
Since I retired and returned to Vermont, I often try to share stories and information about our great Green Mountain state. Well, today I will share something about the region that Vermont is located in – New England. (These are the six states in the northeast corner of the USA.)
Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about New Englanders...
Forget Rednecks ....
If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don't work there, you live in New England.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you live in New England.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you live in New England.
If Vacation means going anywhere south of New York City for the weekend, you live in New England.
If you measure distance in hours, you live in New England.
If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you live in New England.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day and back again, you live in New England.
If you can drive 75 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you live in New England.
If you install security lights on your house and garage but leave both unlocked, you live in New England.
If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you live in New England.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you live in New England.
If the speed limit on the highway is 55 mph you're going 80 and everybody is passing you, you live in New England. (TGI-Jeff addition: And those cars passing you are from MA, CT, NY, NJ and PA.)
If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you live in New England.
If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you live in New England.
If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you live in New England.
If you find 10 degrees 'a little chilly', you live in New England.
If there's a Dunkin Donuts on every corner, you live in New England.
If you think everyone else has a funny accent, you live in New England.
If you actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all your New England friends, you live or have lived in New England.
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WiFi Password
The other day I was at a funeral when the person next to me asked, "Rabbi, what's the wifi password at the cemetery?"
The Rabbi told him, "Have some respect for the dead!"
"Thank you Rabbi," the person replied.
After a pause, he asked, "Is that all lower case?"
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A Good Question!
If Bruce Jenner goes missing, will his picture be on a carton of half-and-half?
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WHY WOMEN TAKE SO LONG IN THE RESTROOM:
When you have to visit a public toilet, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place.
Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the cubicle doors.
Every cubicle is occupied.
Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the cubicle.
You get in to find the door won't latch.
It doesn't matter; the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mum, no doubt) is handy, but empty.
You would hang your bag on the door hook, if there was one, so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mum would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!) down with your pants and assume ' The Stance.
In this position, your aging, toneless, thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but having not taken time to wipe the seat or to lay toilet paper on it, you hold 'The Stance.'
To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.
In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Dear, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.
You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your bag (the bag around your neck, that now you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).
That would have to do, so you crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail.
Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your bag, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest and you and your bag topple backward against the tank of the toilet.
'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, while losing your footing altogether and sliding down directly onto the TOILET SEAT.
It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.
Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.
You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear,
'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.
By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl and spraying a fine mist of water that covers your bum and runs down your legs and into your shoes.
The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force and you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.
At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted.
You try to wipe with a sweet wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.
You can't figure out how to operate the taps with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting...
You are no longer able to smile politely to them.
A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it?)
You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.
As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used and left the men's toilet.
Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long and why is your bag hanging around your neck?
This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with any public rest rooms/toilets (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!).
It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers that other commonly asked question about why women go to the toilets in pairs.
It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your bag and hand you Kleenex under the door.
A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!
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Guts or Balls?
HEREIN IS THE ANSWER TO THE QUESTION:
There is a medical distinction between "Guts" and "Balls". We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with "Balls".
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here´s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323; page 295.
GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, Lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the "Balls" to say: "You're next, Chubby."
I trust this clears up any confusion.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in outcome; both are fatal.
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MURPHY'S LESSER-KNOWN LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
10. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
12. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
13. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
14. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
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I’ve always been a big fan and believer in all the variations of Murphy’s Laws. The ones above have been around, but they still are fun to read again and again.
I was going to apologize for all the “old stuff” but because I keep receiving it from TGIF members, I guess you all either don’t know that they are old or just don’t mind seeing them again.
Fair enough. Time to wish you all a great day and a relaxing weekend. Make time for your family and good friends and make the most of it!
TGI-Jeff
