Greetings from your TGIF editor on this first Friday of 2016! Oops. Not exactly correct as January 1st was a Friday. But most of you (although not all) would have had that day off from work. So, this is really the first end of a work-week Friday. So, you can think or say: Thank God, It’s Friday!
I hope you all had nice end of year holidays (Christmas et cetera) and that you have made your positive New Years resolutions that will make you a better person and contribute to the world being a better place in 2016.
We all have to do our part! Peace in the world starts with us making peace with ourselves, with our family members and with the community in which we live.
I can report that I had a very nice Christmas with family gathered here for food and drink and conversation. My Jon and Joya were here, while Philip is in Thailand, teaching English. Jon, Joya and I put on a big meal on the 26th for our Taft family that came here from all over (including Rome) and it was a lot of fun as we did a “Yankee Swap” for exchanging Christmas gifts this year.
I have to give a brief report on the weather. On Christmas day here in the “white Christmas” state of Vermont, it was 50 degrees F and sunny. So, we had a brown and green Christmas (not white) and our first snow of about 3 inches happened about 4 days after Christmas Day! After the warmest Autum on record the cold seasonal temperatures finally have arrived this past week. It’s been down to 0 degrees during a few days this last week.
Wednesday the 6th of this week was the 12th day of Christmas, and called Epiphany. I decided that this should be the day that I take down the Christmas tree and its ornaments and lights; as well as taking down my outside lights that are very nice to display around the winter solstice. The days are getting longer now! Hooray!
I learned on Thursday morning from Garrison Keilor that the 7th of January in 1789 was the very first election day in the United States for president. George Washington was elected. However, only white male landowners were allowed to vote. Of the roughly 3 million “Americans”, at that time, 600,000 were slaves, and half of the 3 million were women and could not vote. Then there were a lot of white men who did not own land. So, about 30,000 white landowners elected our very first president.
The other thing I have to report is that I saw last week the new Star Wars movie. Can you believe that – partly because I was living overseas – I never saw the earlier Star War movies? True. But I must admit that I enjoyed this one and did not find that I was overly handicapped in understanding this one, having not seen the previous ones. It was good!
I had my first day of this winter season on the ski slopes yesterday. Despite the limited natural snow, the ski areas – with colder temperatures of late – have been busy making lots of snow. The conditions were good and I did about 10 runs that I think are enough to start to get my legs in good skiing shape. I may go out again today with a friend. Should be sunny and with temperatures just above freezing. Should be fun!
As I have a very limited number of jokes to share today, I am making the introduction paragraphs a bit longer than usual. (I spent about 2 hours trying to find some good contributions in my tgif email folder to use and I didn’t find much that was new or had not been used often before.)
So, this issue should be a “year in review” issue. So, in that vein, here are my nominations for the top country songs of 2015:
The Year's Top Ten Country Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman, But I Woke Up With A Few
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'
6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight, Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Miss Him
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer
And the Number One Country Song is...
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day!
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A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."
The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're full of shit. You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”
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Best Fish and Chips
Lost on a rainy night, a nun stumbles across a monastery. She's just in time for dinner and is treated to the best fish and chips ever. After dinner, she goes to the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by Brother Michael and Brother Charles. She thanks them and asks who cooked what.
Says Brother Charles: "I'm the fish friar."
She says to Brother Michael, "Then you must be..."
He replies, "Yes, I'm the chip monk."
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O'Shaughnessy Needs Time Off
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.
'To be shure it was, Boss,’ he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful,' replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No,' replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was all right.
'Bejeezuz Boss, it’s even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too!'
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Some Math Humor
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator!
Only a fraction of you will understand this!
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Whenever I am lacking any good TGIF material, I always revert to my favorite old standbys: Mark Twain or Will Rogers.
Will Rogers was one of the greatest political sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sage advice:
1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
The ones that learn by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.
11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it's such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today it's called golf.
Today it's called golf.
And, finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.
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Or I like to use some silly joke based on some kind of PUN.
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole, all live together in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yummy! I smell maple syrup!'
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yummy! I smell honey!'
Now baby mole is trying to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....
MOL ASSES !
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic:
Gun Control Law Compliance
Yesterday, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer. I still don't think I looked that bad.
Happy New Year!
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Indeed, at the 8th of January, I guess it’s not too late to wish you all a very happy and healthy new year 2016!
I’ll also take this opportunity to wish my favorite daughter (Joya) a very happy birthday on Sunday! And a very happy 60th to my Springfield friend Cindy. Look forward to that musical party on Saturday night!
For all the rest of you, have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
That’s all, folks!
See you next Friday, if God is willing!
TGI-Jeff
