Greetings from your Friday guy who is enjoying beautiful summer weather in our beautiful Green Mountain State. We’ve had some thunderstorms and strong winds during late afternoons of several days this week. The power even went out for a few hours during one of them. But when it hasn’t been “storming”, it’s been nice and not too hot.
It’s a great time to be in the big and beautiful outdoors! And speaking of that, I read in the paper last week about the current “Mrs. Vermont 2015”. She is known as the “Rollerblading beauty queen” – has made it the social mission of her crowning to encourage children and families to get outside, be active and explore. Dorilee LeBlanc of Shelburne (VT) and her family love to spend time outdoors, whether it’s swimming in lakes, streams and rivers, hiking, gardening or micro-farming. To do this, she has developed and is selling a T-shirt that reads “Unplug, Get Outside” and shows the state of Vermont unplugging from an outlet.
Only in Vermont! What a great state that produces people like her!
It’s been another week of remembrances. It was 70 years ago yesterday that the first nuclear bomb was dropped on Hiroshima. And 50 years ago, President Lyndon Johnson signed into law the Voting Rights Act of 1965. And yet, still today there are states that are trying to keep minorities from voting, 50 years on. Hard to believe! It was also this week in 1952 that the very first issue of Mad magazine was published. It cost 25 cents – cheap! But to top all those off was the deluge on the NPR radio on Thursday of every program talking about the last John Stewart Daily Show. So, I just finished watching the “finale”. It was pretty good, with Bruce Springsteen and the East Street Band playing it out at the end.
I went over to the Weston Playhouse last night and saw Guys and Dolls. What a great musical and so professionally done. Such good music and clever lyrics.
I’m looking forward to the big Harpoon Point to Point bike ride event tomorrow to raise money for the Vermont Food Bank. I’ll be doing the 50-mile ride with Team Okemo. Okemo is a ski area in Ludlow, about 15 miles from here, where I have been a mid-week season ticket holder for the last 4 years. When I used to row in Manila in the late 1980s, we used to stop at the 5 mile mark upstream from the club/boathouse and get out and have a beer at a local establishment (Alice’s). Then we would get back in the boat and row the 5 miles downstream back to the MBC. I always thought it was nice to participate in a sport where you could drink a beer in the middle of it. Well, tomorrow we will ride our bikes 50 miles up and down our Vermont hills and after crossing the finish line, we’ll enjoy drinking several Harpoon beers to replenish all those calories that we just burned. After all, we wouldn’t want to lose any of that extra weight that we have!
I’ve picked a few of the jokes/stories that have been sent in to me since last Friday. Enjoy!
Hooter’s
After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at Hooter's to see some friends and have some hot Wings and ice tea.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".
I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.
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QUOTES
Noel Coward: "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me."
Oscar Wilde: "Some cause happiness wherever they go,some whenever they go."
Woody Allen: "I'm not afraid of death - I just don't want to be there when it happens."
Joan Rivers: "I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor."
Dorothy Parker: "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
And another couple of witty ripostes:
Zsa Zsa Gabor, when asked how many husbands she had had, replied: "You mean apart from my own?"
A notorious bore, to Oscar Wilde: "I passed your house yesterday." Oscar Wilde: "Thank you."
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Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once!
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
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The Cannibal Restaurant
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...
Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Grilled Democrat: $20.00
Baked Republican: $100.00
The cannibal called the owner over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Republicans?"
The owner replied, "I have to pass along my labor costs. Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning."
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It’s time to share a couple of golden oldies with you. So, here are two oldies this week to share with you under the section of TGIF GOLDEN CLASSICS:
Seniors' 50 Shades of Grey
After nearly 40 years of marriage, Charlie and his wife were lying in bed . . . Suddenly the wife felt Charlie begin to massage her in ways he hadn't done in quite some time . . .
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back . . . .He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach . . . .He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf . . . .Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg . . . .He continued in the same manner on her right side ....then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent . . . .As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice....“Honey, that was wonderful ....Why did you stop . . .?
To which he responded.... “I found the remote . . . . !"
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Love Older Women & Happy Endings
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST.
AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE
AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON
WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED,
"HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I
NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID,
"WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED
SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR -- NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -- STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER,
STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS. THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR.
THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED
AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD
WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.
THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID,
"SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM... BUT... I'VE
ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...
And that's a fact!
I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
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I don’t know if it’s a happy one, or not, but I’ve come to the end. It must be a happy one, I think, because it is Friday, Thank God, and the weekend is ahead of us! So, I wish you a good one! Be good and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! (I’ll leave that up to you to know what your parameters are!)
Better share with me some good jokes, if you want to get an issue next week. Take care!
TGI-Jeff
