Greetings from your TGIF editor-in-chief on this last day of the working week. Although as most of you other “retirees” can now appreciate, and those of you who are still slaving away can only fathom, all seven days of the week seem to be about the same. Very busy with lots of things to be done, but no boss telling you what you have to do. I have a very bad habit that is probably shared by many of you. I start to work on one project, then I see something else that needs doing; so I start that. Then I see another thing that needs doing; so I start on that. On and on. I’m really tired at the end of the day and yet I have about 8 unfinished projects. Oh well! There’s always tomorrow. My neighbor says he makes lists and that works for him. I told him that I make lists, too. Then, I start working and get diverted into other tasks and then forget to refer back to my list.
With good friends Frank and Peter, we did the 50-mile bike ride near here last Saturday to raise money for the Vermont Food Bank. Thanks to generous contributions from family and friends, I raised over $700 for the cause. I was also on Team Okemo (people who work or ski at the nearby mountain ski resort where I have a season pass) and out team won the award for the largest team, and we raised more than $7,000. The organizers/sponsors likely will have raised by the end of the month from this event on 8/8 nearly $180,000.
Although the weather has not cooperated fully during the recent nights, it was nice to see the Perseid meteor showers on Wednesday night. There were about one every minute. This weekend is the annual Stellafane Telescope Makers convention/retreat on a hill here in Springfield. Astronomy buffs and telescope makers from all over come to this annual event in August. It usually is held the weekend nearest the new moon, which is this one. Stellafane was founded in the 1920s and this annual outing has taken place every year since, except for the years of WWII. I hope to go up tonight and check it out.
Okay. Let’s see what I have to offer this week. Hope you enjoy it and forget that most of the material that follows has been seen before – but maybe not remembered.
The Irish Painter
A painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Doolin, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude.
This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to $10,000.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife.
In a few minutes he returned. "T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, this driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour! “The old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
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Dress Code
Many of us over 50 . . . or even WAY over 50 . . . are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. And for those of you receiving this who are nowhere near 50 yet, keep reading anyway . . . you'll be there.
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Pierced nipples that hang below the waist
11. Bikinis and liver spots
12. Short shorts and varicose veins
13. In-line skates and a walker
And the ultimate 'Bad Taste' in fashion:
14. A thong and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we might as well dance!
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Another Lawyer Joke
Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time...
So...do you think we should...well...you know...screw her?"
"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer. She has nothing!
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The Age Old Question
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, . . .
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
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Airplane Food
Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement..: "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service... I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals... I truly apologise for this mistake and inconvenience."
When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued..."Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."
Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40 dinners available."
What da ya expect from the Scots!
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Do You Bet on the Horses?
A bookie was at the races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt. He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse. won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning.
The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ... True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was
100/1.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened?
All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'. The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
"You are not Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish"
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites".
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Medical Exam
When I was young I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam for Medical School.
One of the questions was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered 'spine' are now doctors..............the rest of us are sending email jokes!
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And most of those jokes are old ones that we have all seen over and over.
What can I do? Garbage In – Garbage Out!
I wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
