Greetings from your Friday guy once again on this last day of the work week and on the eve of that weekend that most of you have been looking forward to since this past Monday. TGIF!
Summer has finally arrived around these parts. The temperatures have reached the 80s in the last days, which have been beautiful. Different plants of my perennials have already bloomed and some are now (like the rugosa) and some are about to (like the mountain laurel). The days have been getting longer too and I just have nothing to complain about – although up until now, it’s been hard to forgot how bad our last winter was.
I had a weekend of golf last weekend along with my old college friend who was visiting from his home in North Carolina. And yesterday I attended the high school Division II softball semifinal game here in Springfield. Our Lady Cosmos played 2 extra innings in order to win a pitcher’s duel by the score of 2 to 1 with a walk-off single in the bottom of the ninth. The Springfield girls are now on to the final (championship) game on Saturday, playing a team that is undefeated this season. Good luck Lady Cosmos!!!
Let’s see; we’ve got a story just in from Florida.
Burglary in Florida
Sometimes things that really happen are funnier than stuff made up:
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time. Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note, which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."
And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts.
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Don’t You Know Who I Am?!!!
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque.
“Good morning”, says Ed, “would you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”
Miliband: “Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
Cashier: “Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.
Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.
Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomerie came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomerie he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomerie and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray.’
Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”
Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?’
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And since we jumped over to some political jokes, here’s another one:
New Ice Cream flavor – Barocky Road
In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road
Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all plentiful.
The cost is $92.84 per scoop...so, out of a $100 bill, you are at least promised some CHANGE.
When purchased, it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken out of the cone and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.
You are left with an almost-empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what "redistribution of wealth" is all about.
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RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
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And speaking of taxi drivers, here’s another oldie:
A drunken, totally naked, woman jumped into a taxi at Park Beach Plaza in Coffs Harbour, Australia. The Indian driver shook his head, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What are you staring at, Luv, haven't you ever seen a woman with no clothes on before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking and looking and lookiiiiiing, and I am thinking and thinking and thinking and thinkiiiiing to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"
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How The Internet Got Started - According To The Bible
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.
Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.
Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.
The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.
He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth!
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It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic section, in which I have two good old ones for you today.
Sitting on the Porch – Life Explained
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
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Here's an English lesson for the day!
"Complete" or "Finished"?
No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was asked to make that very distinction.
The question by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."
Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"
His answer received a five-minute standing ovation.
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Thank God I’m Finished (TGIF) with this edition! Just time enough left to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
