Greetings at the end of another working week – even for us retirees and pensioners. I’ve never been busier. I find that this time of year is especially busy. Lots of yard work to clean it up from the winter and get it ready for summer. I’ve planted a few more perennials and recently purchased lots of annuals that I am planting in my various window boxes and pots and deck pots. I’ve started mowing the lawn this last week after lots of raking and mulching and more. All this yard work fit in around my biking and golf and tennis and table tennis. Plus my church work and work with a committee that is trying to put in a new all-purpose path in the area where I live. So, I stay busy.
In fact, the nice weather today (Thursday) prevented me from sitting down to compose this message until late in the evening. So, I will keep the intro short and get straight away to the offerings I have for you today. Many of them are old ones; but good old ones and some of you may not have seen them before and the majority of you (I can tell by your contributions to me) will not have remembered having seen them before on the TGIF weekly message.
One habit I have acquired (maybe from my parents, who mentioned to me in their 60s and 70s that they looked at the obituary section in the newspaper to see if some of their friends had died) is looking at the obituary page in my daily paper. Here below is a good one that was in a London newspaper:
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason. He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
-It's the fault of Apartheid
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing
-It's the fault of Apartheid
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.
If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
* * * * * * * *
The British Penny
European Union Directive
No. 456179
In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase "Spending a Penny" is not to be used after 31 March 2015. From this date onwards, the correct term will be: "Euronating". It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone. If you have any questions, just give me a tinkle.
* * * * * * * *
Interview with 101 year-old Hattie Mae MacDonald of Feague, Kentucky:
Reporter: Can you give us some health tips for reaching the age of 101?
Hattie: For better digestion I drink beer. In the case of appetite loss, I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink red wine. In the case of high blood pressure I drink scotch. And when I have a cold I drink Schnapps.
Reporter: When do you drink water?
Hattie: I've never been that sick
* * * * * * * *
Do you know the relation between two eyes.???
They never see each other.........
BUT
1. They blink together.
2. They move together.
3. They cry together.
4. They see together.
5. They sleep together.
They share a very deep bonded relationship.
However, when they see a pretty woman, one will blink and the other will not....
Moral of the story:
A pretty woman can break any relationship...
* * * * * * * *
YOUR FLY'S OPEN PRIME MINISTER
The following story is from the memoir of Harry Diamond, a former British reporter.
"The Prime Minister's fly is open," I whisper to my companion as Winston Churchill passes us in the House of Commons corridors. "We should tell him."
"You tell him, you're young and brash," says my friend.
I pad quietly after the great man, humm, haw and cough until he eventually turns round to see what all the row was about.
"Excuse me, sir. I hope you don't mind me mentioning it, but your fly is open."
I remember thinking rather irreverently that my suit is in better condition than the Prime Minister's, but this is a very special occasion for me. I had taken my best suit to London to create the right impression. This was at a time when I thought Members of Parliament were a superior form of homo-sapiens.
Mr. Churchill stares at me, looks down, and says in that slow, commanding, slightly lisping voice that thrilled and inspired millions throughout the war, "My boy, there is no harm in leaving open the door of the cage when the bird is dead."
* * * * * * * *
Ole
Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Ole how about
Tom Cruise?"
Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it."
Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Ole! Great to see you!
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave
Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was
just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyvon else," Ole says.
''President Obama," his
boss quickly retorts.
boss quickly retorts.
"Ya sure," Ole says, "I know him.
We’ll fly out to Washington to see him."
We’ll fly out to Washington to see him."
Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Ole, what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they
leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
again implores him to name anyone else.
leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who
again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Ole. "I've known the Pope a long time."
The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will
never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell
you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come
out on the balcony with the Pope."
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; "This will
never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell
you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come
out on the balcony with the Pope."
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Fifteen
minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is
surrounded by paramedics.
surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,
'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'
came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked,
'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'
* * * * * * * *
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.
Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking any more tonight, Paddy'..
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off...
He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,
'Shoite, Shoite !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.
'Bi'Jesus.... I'm pissed,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside... He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'buggar it' and falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into his room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was furkin' pissed. But how'd you know?'
'Mick phoned .. . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.
* * * * * * * *
Costco Murder
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.
The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...
(You're going to hate me for this....)
"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"
* * * * * * * *
"Coincidence"
A chicken farmer went to a local bar. He sat next to a woman and ordered champagne. A woman sitting next to him said, "How strange, I also just ordered a glass of champagne."
"What a coincidence," said the farmer, "It is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."
"It is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!" said the woman.
"What a coincidence," said the farmer.
While they toasted, the man asked, "So, what are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child for years, and today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant."
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but now they are all set to lay fertilized eggs."
"This is awesome." said the woman. "What did you do for your chickens to become fertile?"
"I used a different rooster," said the farmer.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"
* * * * * * * *
Now I’m cock sure that I’ve come to the end of this edition of the TGIF. Just time enough left to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
