GREETINGS from the Friday Guy. It reached 90 degrees Fahrenheit today here at the homestead. It’s hard to believe. Three weeks ago it was just above freezing and seemingly still winter. Three weeks later and it is summer. Our Mud Season and Spring lasted about 2 and ½ weeks. Unbelievable! Living in Vermont where we have winter and summer and a few weeks of spring and autumn in between. Someone told me that Vermont had 11 months of winter and one month of really bad sledding! I think it’s more like 6 months of winter, 4 months of summer and one month of mud season and fall.
So, I’ve been doing a lot of work in the yard this past week. Also played a few rounds of golf. Still have to get out on my road bike. Gotta lose some weight!
Let’s see what we have in the joke bag for this week. It looks like there is not a lot of good stuff. Keep contributing!
* * * * * * * *
Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk, there is an opportunity for questions.
Little Sasha puts her hand up and says "I have two questions - Why did the
Russians take Crimea?
And why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"
Putin says "Good questions,” but just as he is about to answer, the bell goes off, and the kids go to lunch.
When they return to class, the kids sit back down and there is an opportunity for some more questions.
Another young girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have Four questions.
My Questions are - Why did the Russians invade Crimea?
Why are we sending troops to Ukraine?
Why did the bell for lunch go off 20 minutes early?
And where is Sasha?"
* * * * * * * *
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
* * * * * * * *
Washington DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!
1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod
is in Massachusetts, Cape Town is in South Africa ...'' His response -- click..
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!''
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)
5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.''
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was
dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT -
Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..
8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''
10 . Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''
11. Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''
I double-checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.
When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York ''
I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''
Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!
Could ANYONE be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS,
AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
* * * * * * * *
Circumsized?
A man walks into the Election office, says to the receptionist:
"I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be an Independent candidate.
The receptionist replied,
"Certainly sir. Please fill out this form.'' He was filling the form until he came to the question,
''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist,
"Is that question necessary?"
She replied,
"If you are circumcised you are not eligible".
He asked, "What difference it would make if he was circumcised? "
She replied, "To become a politician, you have to be a complete prick"
* * * * * * * *
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a Flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The Flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.
"The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
* * * * * * * *
And God Looked Down...
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God ' s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
* * * * * * * *
When Love Fades...
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.
" What would you like for dinner my Love?... Chicken, beef or fish? "
I said, " Thank you, I'll have chicken. "
She replied " You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat. "
* * * * * * * *
Sorry for the offerings for today – but that is all I got. So, it’s your fault – not mine!
Garbage In – Garbage Out!
Have a great weekend and we’ll try to publish a better version next Friday!
Happy Mother's Day for this Sunday!
Take care,
TGI-Jeff
