Greetings to all you TGIF faithful as April 2015 disappears into the past and May is upon us. In many parts of the world today, May first is a holiday. Not so much here in the USA as, although it is international labor day, for Americans it was always too much associated with communism/socialism, and therefore is/was not celebrated in that same fashion here in the USA. In fact, our labor day is the first Monday of September, although not really celebrated by “workers” – just another national Monday (3-day weekend) holiday. In fact, I heard a few people complaining recently that they didn’t like the fact that all these holidays, like Memorial Day, Columbus Day, and many others, have been moved from their specific dates to the nearest Monday, in order to have 3-day weekends. I guess most “workers” should approve of that! So, on this international labor day, I’ll give that a pass!
I am pleased to report that spring seems to finally (!!!) have arrived in Vermont. Although I still hear VT weather forecasts that say there are chances of snow up north at the higher elevations. It hit 70 here on Wednesday and Thursday was a pleasant 65. It enabled me to finally get out on the golf course. Surprisingly, I played pretty well. I think that’s because I didn’t try to kill the ball – just connect with it. Unfortunately, the bad habits will return (including trying to swing too hard) and it’ll be all down hill in the coming months. Maybe I should quit while I’m feeling good about myself!
I’ve also been out in the yard this past week picking up branches that fell on the lawn over the winter and doing a lot of raking. This coming Saturday (May 2) is Green Up Day in Vermont and I’ll join a crew to pick up trash along the roads for 3 or 4 hours in the morning. It’s always such a nice community event. Good for us! (Bad for the people who continue to do the littering!)
I failed to mention last week that on the 22nd, we celebrated the 45th anniversary of Earth Day. I remember that first one in 1970, when I was at Grinnell. While I forgot to mention that fact last week, a Grinnell alum friend thought that the TGIF golden oldie that I used last week about God’s discussion with Saint Francis about humans’ fixation with grass lawns was a fitting tribute to the concept of Earth Day.
Okay; time to present this week’s jokes to you. Some are oldies – but goodies and are worth repeating. Enjoy!
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents.
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Some of you know that I attended school at Grinnell College in Iowa where I did play sports (it was a small college and Division III school), including football. The last two years there I played quarterback.
My Dad used to say back then to his friends that he paid thousands of dollars sending me to Grinnell and all he got was a quarter back!!!
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Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline.
The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem! It is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE!!
That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!
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Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone has got to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
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WHAT IS MARRIAGE
Answers from young children on this age-old institution
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
-- Camille, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favourite is.......
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10
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Tough Call
A man went to the Harborview Medical Center in Seattle to have his wedding ring cut off his penis.
According to the nurse attending the operation, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket. She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse:
1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis... OR...
3. Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
Tough call. You decide.
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A New Car Model for Women
Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.
Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ' Clitaurus '. It comes in pink, and although the exterior appearance might vary, they're all pink on the inside.
The average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.
Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning even with mechanical starting devices! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.
New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.
Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.
This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it each year. Many prefer to just rent one occasionally especially when they are traveling out of town on business trips.
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A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. As the aircraft takes off , a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seatmate. 'Hey, bitch', says the parrot, 'bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!'
The flight attendant looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again: 'Damn it, you lazy street-walker, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up!' Visibly flustered, the flight attendant hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself. 'Hey, slut,' says the man, 'get me a dry martini and don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! '
The flight attendant turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants. The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20,000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, ‘Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls.'
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While some of the above material classified as oldies, it is now time for this week's TGIF Golden Classic!
The Really Good Blonde Golfer
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots."
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.
All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said.
The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little."
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly."
The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.
Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night."
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup."
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup."
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart."
The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?"
REMEMBER . . . OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME
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This adage is commonly used by my older tennis buddies to explain why the older guys always win over the younger guys - - - well, if not in reality, at least in their own minds! And after a few post-game beers, they only think they had won, even if they had lost!
We have to figure out how in tennis we can adopt some kind of “gimme” – or at least a Mulligan!!! Like for when you double fault on match point. But maybe not. After a few beers, all is forgotten and forgiven and remembered differently.
Lately, I’ve been enjoying all the practice and training I’ve been getting in table tennis. A group of us have been playing for a few hours on 3 days a week of late and I think I see some improvement. All around.
Until next week, I bid you adieu and hope you have a wonderful weekend – and May First for those who celebrate that! In fact, some of you may not see this until Monday. So, for those, I hope it cheers up your drab Monday!
TGI-Jeff
