Greetings from your Friday guy here in Vermont, where we’ve had very warm, unseasonal temperatures for the last few weeks and it seems to be continuing into next week. It got up to 50 here today and seems it will continue like this for the short-term future. I was still out raking a few leaves that I had not properly disposed of this afternoon. Of course, I draft this on Thursday evenings here so that I can send it out even before Friday hits here, so that my Asian friends can actually receive it on Friday. What would a Friday TGIF message be if it arrives on Saturday?!
I don’t mind the lack of snow yet, although I hope we get some before Christmas. It can only really be Christmas if there is snow on the ground! That’s why I had a hard time in the tropics at Christmastime. Just not the same! I guess I could say the same thing for living in Florida. Not the same! Christmas music in the malls – wherever – just doesn’t make up for a real Christmas spirit in the cold and wintry climate. I love the Christmas lights up all over as we struggle with these long, dark days, before the Winter Solstice.
I really enjoyed hearing from so many of you in response to last week’s message. That is one of the nice by-products of this hobby. I get to hear from many of you – old friends or former colleagues or family. It makes this little task of editing a Friday messad so worthwhile!
Okay. I’ve got a few things to share with you today.
The following contribution was sent in by a British friend. That might have an impact on your knowledge of the names.
Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinski
2. Tony Blair
3. Robert Mugabe
4. Jeremy Corbyn
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Sepp Blatter
You had trouble with No. 5?
Scroll down……
Waiting …
Waiting …
Waiting …
Typical..You know about the criminals, murderers, thieves, sluts, liars and cheats, but you don’t know the Pope?
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Another contribution from a Britsh friend, with a few Welsh jokes:
An American came to the UK to retrace his roots, in the green Welsh valleys. He had arranged for Dai, the local taxi driver from the Rhondda to meet him at Heathrow and drive him "home" to Treorchy.
As they crossed the Severn Bridge, Brad, the American asked Dai, "What's this?" Dai replied with some pride, "This is the Severn Bridge, It took 5 years to build it!" "Well hell", says Brad "I got a bridge twice this size on my ranch and we built in in less than 2 years". Dai felt disappointed.
As they were driving past Cardiff Castle, Brad asked "What's this Dai?" To which Dai replied with pride, "This is Cardiff Castle - it took over 100yrs to build it and it's massive". Brad puffed and said "Well hell, my house is bigger than this and we built it in a year". Dai was even more disappointed.
A little further on and they were passing the Millennium Stadium - home of Welsh rugby - Brad turns to Dai and asks "So what's this Dai?". Dai scratched his head and said, "Well I dunno, it wasn't there when I passed here this morning".
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Dai and Bryn were waiting for a bus opposite Greggs (a Mecca for pies and other heartattack food). Dai says to Bryn, "Do you want to see some magic Bryn?" "Aye, go on then", say Bryn. So Dai and Bryn walk into Greggs and Dai grabs 2 pies and slips them under his jacket and they both walk out. "What do you think of that then Bryn?" says Dai, "Slight of hand, no one saw that".
"That's thieving Dai and anyway, that wasn't very impressive. I could do better than that". So they walk into Greggs and Bryn says to the guy behind the counter, "I'd like to show you some special magic, is that OK?" "Aye, go on then", said the guy behind the counter. Bryn says "Give me a pie please." The guy gave him a pie and Bryn ate it in two bites and asked for another. The guy gave him another pie and Bryn ate it again, in 2 bites. "Hey!" says the guy behind the counter "That's thieving, not magic!". "That's where you are wrong" says Bryn. "Look in Dai's pocket..."
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Wisconsin Wedding
At a recent Wisconsin wedding reception the D.J. yelled:
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive
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Russians gathered on Saturday in the city of St Petersburg for a chocolate fair with one rather special guest. Russian President Vladimir Putin was in attendance, except this Putin was made of chocolate. A St. Petersburg sculptor, Nikita Gusev, was commissioned to fashion the life-size sculpture for the Chocolate Fair. ... Organisers said the Putin sculpture was to be the main attraction at the fair but warned there would be no touching, licking or biting allowed. … One of those in attendance, St. Petersburg resident Yelena, found it all rather amusing. “Unfortunately in real life there are many people who want to lick him and even more [when he is] in chocolate form. You understand what I am talking about. We have a lot of people who like to lick the authorities.”
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Aussie Helpline
Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "G'day mate .. Helpline here ... What's the problem?"
Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"
Australian Telephone Helpline Operator: "Bummer!"
Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate, bye.”
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Eight Words with two meanings
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male..... Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND PLUS;
He said.... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
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Dear Abby,
My husband hasn't worked for the last 14 years. All he does is get dressed in the morning and hop in his fancy car to visit his cronies. I know he`s cheated on me many times with young girls who could be his granddaughters. I know because he brags about this to me. He smokes fancy cigars and drinks the most expensive Champagne day and night. We sleep in separate beds because he`s always telling me he knows I`m a lesbian and my varicose veins and hairy back turn him off.
Should I clobber him with my frying pan, or should I leave him, Abby?
Your advice would be appreciated
....Mad as Hell
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Dear Mad as Hell, You don`t have to take that kind of treatment from any man. I suggest you pack your bags and move out a.s.a.p.! Don`t resort to clobbering him with the frying pan , and try to act like a lady! Remember ....... you`re running for President of the United States , so try acting like one!
Abby
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Be sure and cancel our credit cards before we die! This is so priceless, and so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.
A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank
.
Here is the exchange :
Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member : 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'
Citibank : 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member : So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Citibank : 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member : 'Do you think God will be mad at her? '
Citibank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - - the part about her being dead?'
Citibank : 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'
Citibank : 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Citibank : (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Citibank : 'That might help....'
Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69GR.'
Citibank : 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet??'
(Priceless!!)
And you wondered why Citibank needed help from the Feds?
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That’s it for today! I wish I had better stuff to share with you! But, you know, garbage in – garbage out! That’s become my TGIF motto! I take NO responsibility!
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
TGI-Jeff
