Greetings to all of you who may receive this message directly from me, as well as those who get it forwarded to them from TGIF “members” and/or to those of you who are seeing it on the TGIF blog site. Thanks to Alpha Bah for continuing to post them there. And now, for the last few months, Margaret Jessop is posting it (when I produce one) on the WFP alumni facebook site.
So, the “pressure to publish” is growing and I’m not sure I can handle all this stress! Retirement is a very busy occupation. I just can’t seem to keep up with all the things on my “to do” daily lists. And when Thursday rolls around, I dread opening up my jokes contribution gmail to find lots of joke contributions and very few new ones. So, if I find the time to edit an issue, it often includes only a few new ones, with a vast majority of old ones. And it takes a lot of time to do all the filtering and cleaning up (adjusting font size and so forth).
This is the case again this week. So, we all have to just grin and bare it!
Most of my senior friends seem to like the senior jokes and also have bad memories. So, I get the same old senior jokes over and over and over again. So, that seems to be the theme for today’s edition: seniors.
* * * * * * * *
An older female friend of mine reported that she had very quietly confided to her best friend that she was having an affair.
Her best friend turned to her and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD"
* * * * * * * *
Full Disc
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much.
People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe. Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time.
The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem. It is nature's way of making older people do more exercise.
SO THERE.
Now when I reach for a word or a name, I won't excuse myself by saying, "I'm having a senior moment." Now, I'll say, "My disc is full!"
* * * * * * * *
Two Things
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
* * * * *
And speaking of seniors, here’s another “old” one, but good one!
SMART ASS
Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
* * * * * * * *
Here is another one with a “senior” theme. I dedicate this one to my own kids!
Why Seniors Still Need Newspapers
I was visiting my daughter last night when
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century" she said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here… use my iPad."
I can tell you this….. - that fly never knew what hit him!
* * * * * * * *
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
* * * * * * * *
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
* * * * * * * *
Once in a while memories of our past are jogged by one thing or another. Such was the case when one of the women in my 65 and older community was preparing for an upcoming community yard sale and found an old negative in a box long ago packed away.
She took it to the local Walgreens, had it developed and made into a print. The two “youngsters” were standing in front of an old car.
Seeing that it was a photo of herself and her present husband on their first date and how much younger, slimmer, and prettier she was and how he had hair and was in good physical shape, she could not wait to show it to her hubby.
When she showed it to him his face lit up with great appreciation and he exclaimed,
Wow!!! look at that will ya'.....
That's my old Ford."
* * * * * * * *
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything, but I can still fit into the socks I wore in high school.
* * * * * * * *
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said " So why are you here?
The yellow Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything .... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The black Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do? "
"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."
The Yellow Lab then turned back to the Black Lab and asked "So why are you here?"
The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab enquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?”
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"
The Great Dane said, "No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped.”
* * * * * * * *
Time to wrap this one up with one that I remember my parents getting a kick out of.
TGIF Golden Classic
Have you heard the story about a priest who got his church painted by a local contractor?
The contractor thinned the paint to such an extent that it literally fell off the church in a few weeks.
When the painter called to be paid for the work, the priest advised him as follows:
Repaint and thin no more!
* * * * * * * *
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
If you are superstitious, be very careful today as it is Friday the 13th!
If not, well, just be careful in any case.
TGI-Jeff
