Greetings on this last day of the work week. Yay! It’s Friday. And it’s not just any ordinary Friday; it’s Friday December 4th! Which is the birth date of my youngest son, Philip! (Born in The Philippines and graduated from high school in Sri Lanka! A real Asian!) And he is going to celebrate this one in Thailand, where he and his girlfriend Kailey are teaching English for a semester at a school about 80 miles north of Bangkok. I think he is especially happy because the King of Thailand’s birthday is on December 5th and there are some holidays (days off work) around that! I hope that the King is in good health! He is so revered there by all the people and is an incredible human being! So, I wish both my Prince Philip and the Thai King a very happy birthday celebration!
Meanwhile, the news in the rest of the world has not been very good since my last issue of the TGIF. There were the horrible terrorist attacks on innocent civilians in Paris. Then in Bamako Mali, where I spent 5 years of my younger years, and feel so attached and yet so sad about these developments there. And gun violence continues unabated here in the USA. Racial tensions increasing in Chicago and Baltimore due to acts committed by police. The “West’s” efforts to target ISIS in Iraq and Syria. The influx of Syrian refugees in Europe and the reluctance (especially since Paris) to accept Syrian refugees fleeing violence in their homeland in European or American territories. And now there is the much anticipated Climate summit in Paris this week. I truly hope that some progress is made there on that front. We are killing our planet.
So, all this grim news gives us pause. But that means it is time to push the PAUSE button on the world (“Stop the World! I want to get off!”) and try to keep our sanity by sharing/reading/hearing a few jokes. It’s medicinal!
The greatest scientists of all times were invited to a reunion ...
* Newton said he'd drop in.
* Socrates said he'd think about it.
* Ohm resisted the idea.
* Boyle said he was under too much pressure.
* Darwin said he'd wait to see what evolved.
* Pierre and Marie Curie radiated enthusiasm.
* Volta was electrified at the prospect.
* Pavlov positively drooled at the thought.
* Ampere was worried he wasn't current enough though alternately none were.
* Audubon said he'd have to wing it.
* Edison thought it would be illuminating.
* Einstein said it would be relatively easy to attend.
* Archimedes was buoyant at the thought.
* Dr Jekyll declined - he said he hadn't been feeling himself lately.
* Morse said, "I'll be there on the dot. Can't stop now, must dash."
* Gauss was asked to attend because of his magnetism.
* Hertz said he planned to attend with greater frequency in the future.
* Watt thought it would be a good way to let off steam.
* Wilbur Wright accepted, provided he and Orville could get a flight.
* And Dr. Sigmund Freud couldn't help but give it the slip!
* * * * * * * *
Another Reunion
Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven't seen each other since high school. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.
Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine.
Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.
Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.
Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.
Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his penis.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Walmart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.
Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.
Samantha confesses that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
* * * * * * * *
The other day I went over to a nearby CVS Pharmacy.
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacist’s counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter.
The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me??
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me.
He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled, “ NO!!!”
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's such a relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!”
Well, I can never go back to that CVS, but I really don't care though, because they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!
* * * * * * * *
ACTS 2:38 Conceal Carry and an Intruder
You gotta love compassionate Christian Seniors.
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38 !' (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'
'Scripture?' replied the burglar. *'She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!'*
* * * * * * * *
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday.
'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; The Death Slide, the Corkscrew, The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was there.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola, and her favourite sweets......M&M's..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it f*ckin wrong!
* * * * * * * *
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine
(But also to those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand)
Ben Franklin spoke the following wise words: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than one kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) – bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are taking in one kilo of poop annually.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine and beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through the purification processes of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember:
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit!!!
Verification: The members of your House of representatives or parliament as well as those in the Senate drink a lot of water while in session. That explains the result therein…
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service.
* * * * * * * *
The Man Who Gave Up Sex for Golf
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt" the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, " Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, " Sounds good to me," - and promptly sinks the putt!
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"
Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay", and amazingly, he makes the eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"
"Definitely," the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle - and wins the match.
As the golfer is walking to the clubhouse, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."
"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
* * * * * * * *
The Nun who was a good golfer!
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother – a 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight!'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'
* * * * * * * *
Sorry for all the profanity in today’s issue! (I know that some of you don’t mind!)
Being an avid golfer, I can understand that! In fact, the fall weather was pretty mild this year and our local course stayed open longer than usual and I even got out a few times in November to play. One day in early November, the temperature got up to 70 and so I went out and walked the 18 holes. Great! Then, last week, my son Jonathan came up for Thanksgiving and he and I played the day AFTER Thanksgiving, when it was close to 60 degrees. Still no snow, but it’s only a matter of time. I need to get my snow-blower out of the barn and into the garage. And the snow tires on the car! And the skis out and readied for ski season!
For those who celebrate Saint Nicolaus Day on the 5th: have a Happy One! Now it’s time to get up my Christmas lights, too.
Time to wish you all a wonderful weekend!
Until next week, take care and Peace!
TGI-Jeff
