Greetings from Vermont on this Friday in the middle of our 5th season, known as “mud”. From our local paper: “… the time of year when thawing winter landscape turns dirt roads into mucky seas and paved highways into frosty roller coasters sprinkled with potholes …”. Obviously, this fact and these conditions at this time of year are not featured on the State’s tourist promotions. “It’s the ugly mirror image to the picture-perfect foliage of September and October that draws millions to look at mountains painted red and gold.”
As it comes at the end of winter and before spring arrives, it is often the time of year when Vermonters of some means head south to warmer “climes” for a week or two, tired of the long winter, warding off “cabin fever” and just getting away from mud season. For others here, this period between end of winter and spring is their busy time for “sugaring”. The maple sap flows best with warm days and cold nights and so the sap is collected and boiled down to create that Vermont liquid gold – maple syrup.
Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life... we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I told her : ‘Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive, I'd much rather die'.
My wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me.... then proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin, vodka & the beer in the fridge...
I ALMOST DIED!!
Moral :
1. Think about what you wish for…
2. The female brain works on a different wavelength from the male's.
* * *
A Musical One, that I hope doesn’t fall flat.
C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve minors," and E-flat leaves. C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me, I'll just be a second."
A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor and sends him out. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and shouts, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Next night, E-flat, not easily deflated, comes into the bar in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says: "You're looking pretty sharp tonight. Come on in. This could be a major development." Sure enough, E-flat takes off his suit and everything else and stands there au naturel.
Eventually, C, who had passed out under the bar the night before, begins to sober up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. So, C goes to trial, is convicted of contributing to the diminution of a minor and sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an up scale correctional facility. The conviction is overturned on appeal, however, and C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless.
The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, the soprano out in the bathroom and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest and closes the bar.
* * *
After a long day of fishing, Bob speeds home on the back roads. At the end of a bridge, a cop jumps out with a radar gun and motions Bob to pull over.
The cop walks up to the window and says, "You were going 67 in a 55 zone."
The cop takes a closer look at Bob's stained fishing attire and says, "You don't even look like you have a job."
Bob answers, "I have a well paying job. I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop, scratches his head, asks, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explains, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then, I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
Bob answers, "You give it a radar gun and stick it at the end of a bridge.”
* * *
A guy gets stopped by the bouncer at a nightclub. "You have to wear a tie," says the bouncer.
The guy goes back to his car and finds a set of jumper cables, ties them around his neck, and goes back to the club.
The bouncer lets him in but warns, "I'll be watching, so you better not start anything!”
* * *
Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane.
The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, "So, where y'all from?"
The Yankee replies, "I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition."
Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
* * *
A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused.
She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.
They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?"
"I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.' Then you sat under an ad that read 'Sloan's Liniments Remove Swelling.' Then you moved under a deodorant advertisement which read 'William's Stick Did the Trick.' And I just couldn't hold it in any longer when you moved a fourth time and sat under a tire advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented This Accident.'
* * *
Top Ten Reasons Gay Marriage Is Wrong
1. Being gay is not natural. And as you know Americans have always rejected unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because, as you know, a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.
4. Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.
5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed. The sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
6. Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.
7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.
8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That's why we have only one religion in America.
9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.
10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.
* * *
I have a couple of good oldies today for the TGIF Golden Classics section, that I received recently.
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old,
can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore,
after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending
the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----
I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
remind you that you are also 57 years old also. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman, who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand
that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a
lot more times than 57 goes into 18.
"Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow"
* * *
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'
* * * * *
Time to close. So, no matter where you are, whether it’s mud season or dry season or rainy season or fall or spring, hope you enjoy the weather, made even better by the fact that today is Friday, Thank God, and you can now look forward to the weekend!
Have a good one!
TGI-Jeff
