Greetings from TGI-Jeff on this, the last Friday and last day of November. It’s not Black Friday – that was last Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. Why does it seem that every possible shopping day between Thanksgiving and Christmas now has a name?!!! This week we had Cyber Monday (internet shopping deals) and so forth. I learned last week that Abraham Lincoln (our 16th US President – 1860 to 1865) declared in 1863 that Thanksgiving Day would henceforth be the fourth Thursday of November. I have always been confused as to whether it is the 3rd or the 4th Thursday of the month. Voila! Now I know the root of that confusion. I probably learned as a lad in school that Lincoln had declared the 4th Thursday as Thanksgiving Day. But it seems that during the Great Depression in the 1930s, our President Roosevelt (FDR) issued a proclamation moving it from the 4th Thursday to the 3rd Thursday of November! Why? - so that we’d have more days of Christmas shopping between Thanksgiving and Christmas Day! In last week’s issue I asked the question as to why last Friday is called Black Friday. It’s because for many retailers, they are in business all year in order to move from the red ink (deficit) into the black ink (profits) and it is the Christmas Shopping Season which enables that to happen. See? It’s nice even for an old geezer like me to learn something new. Only problem is that I’ll probably forget this by next year!
Last week I also mentioned the General Petraeus affair and how it was all over the media during the previous 10 days. Following that I used a quote:
Way too many generals are taking orders from their privates.
Way too many generals are taking orders from their privates.
Well, in response, one of my friends sent in the following quote, similar to the one above:
I've also heard it said that Admirals should be mindful of how they deploy their seamen.
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The most discussed political news of this past week has been all about the US deficit and whether we are going to fall off the “Fiscal Cliff” on or before January First 2013. En francais, c’est la precipice budgetaire!
The problem, simply put, is that our deficit is growing out of all proportion and we need to reduce that by reducing spending and increasing revenues. The “Dems” and the “Repubs” can’t agree on how to do that. The Republicans want to make cuts to many of the “entitlement programs” (Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid, etc.) while limiting tax increases for corporations and the wealthiest Americans. The Democrats want to increase revenues by taxing the wealthiest Americans (those earning over $250,000 per year) at a higher rate than at present, while maintaining social programs. Meanwhile, the federal deficit is increasing and will be a huge burden on our future generations. The tax breaks for all Americans will expire at the end of this year and so everyone will be affected, either directly or indirectly.
But are most Americans engaged in this hugely important issue?
No, they are stocking up on Hostess Twinkies. That’s right. The Hostess Company is going out of business.
HOW the HOSTESS COMPANY is being divided up
You may have heard that Hostess Bakery plants are shutting down due to a workers' strike.
But you may not have heard how it will be split up.
The State Department hired all the Twinkies; the Secret Service hired all the HoHos; the generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes and the voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.
* * * * *
CHOCOLATE BARS
Sipho and Thabo entered a chocolate store. As they were busy looking, Sipho stole 3 Bar-one chocolates.
As they left the store, Sipho said to Thabo: "Man I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 Bar-ones chocolates and no one saw me, u cant beat that"
Thabo replied: "You wanna see something better, let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing"
So they went to the counter and Thabo said to the Shop owner: "Do you wanna see magic?" The shop owner replied: "Yes." Thabo said: "Give me one Bar-one chocolate." The shop owner gave him one, and he ate it. He asked for the second, and he ate that as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shop owner asked: "But where's the magic?"
Thabo replied: “Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them!”
* * * * *
Some British Humour
Tony Blair and David Cameron somehow ended up at the same barber shop.
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like!”
As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.
The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.
As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Blair in his chair reached for the aftershave.
Blair was quick to stop him jokingly saying, "No thanks, my wife, Cherie, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel."
The second barber turned to Cameron and said, "How about you Mr. Cameron?"
Cameron replied, "Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like!”
* * * * *
MY DOCTOR.
Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good!
If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.
One time he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill. So, the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, “Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible.” The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."
Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor, - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Well let's just wait and see what develops."
One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem."
The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"
I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears. His advice: "Don't answer it."
My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - if they don't work, give me a ring."
Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."
When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.
You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment; then he says, "I wish you had come to me sooner."
* * * * *
A warning to all for all the festive holiday gatherings: Enjoy, but in moderation. Don’t overindulge with all the good food and drink. And certainly don’t drink and then drive!
DRINKING and DRIVING
I would like to share a personal experience with my closest friends about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from an occasional social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had a couple of cocktails and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ~ I took a cab home. Sure enough, I passed a police road block but, since it was a cab, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have never driven a cab before and am not sure where I got it or what to do with it now that it's in my garage.
* * * * *
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
* * *
I'm so happy, because I live at number 71. So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street. I don't even have to cross the road!
* * *
Answering machine message,
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
* * *
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
* * *
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
* * *
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
* * *
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
* * *
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
* * *
* * *
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
* * *
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
* * *
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
* * *
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
* * *
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
* * *
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
* * * * *
* * *
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
* * *
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
* * * * *
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
* * * * *
PSYCHOLOGY AND LAW.....
A guy asked a girl in a library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was rather embarrassed. After a couple of minutes the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice:
$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in
her ears; “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”
A guy asked a girl in a library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was rather embarrassed. After a couple of minutes the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: “I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed right?”
The guy responded with a loud voice:
$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The guy whispered in
her ears; “I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.”
* * * * *
Time for a TGIF Golden Classic.
It’s About What All Women Hope For – The Perfect Man
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab; things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f------' widow."
* * * * *
Thirty Days Hath September, April, June and ……… (should be November)
The Speed Offender
Burma Shave
Tomorrow is December 1st and World AIDS Day.
I’ve been enjoying the full moon the last few days. It’s so bright and will be even brighter during the night once we have some snow on the ground here – which is not too far off.
Have a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
See you next Friday!
TGI-Jeff
