Greetings from your Friday guy once again happily reporting in from the coolest place in this house – down here in the basement (it’s not been a dungeon lately – only the coolest spot around!). On this late Thursday afternoon as I draft this, the outdoor temperature is 90 degrees F (about 33 C) and the temperature in the house is about 77 F
(25 C), while down here it must be about 68 F (20 C). So, I’m “chilling out” down here doing an earlier drafting of this week’s issue. (Usually I do it on Thursday evening.)
For those of you who received last week’s issue, you recall I mentioned some facts about the 4th of July and its history. I stand corrected, by my college roommate (one of them) about the year that Presidents’ Jefferson and Adams died on July 4th. It was 1826 and not 1809. He also informed me that the only U.S. president born on the 4th of July was Vermont’s very own Calvin Coolidge, who was born about 20 miles from where I am sitting right now. I’ve featured some Silent Cal stories in earlier TGIF editions, so I won’t go there now.
Yes. It’s hot now. All over the USA it seems. I hope it cools down before next weekend when I head for Iowa to participate in the 40th RAGBRAI (the des moines Register’s Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa) the week from 21 to 28 July. Last year when I did it with our 3 kids and my older brother, the thermometer hit 100 degrees every day of the week. One day, my son reported hearing a radio warning during an early morning stop that it was to be so hot that day that no one should be outside or exercising and should drink lots of fluids and stay in a/c rooms if possible. He wondered if it was wise to ride our bikes 70 miles that day in that heat! Well, we did. And the nighttime temperatures dropped down to about 82 F (28 C) so that sleeping in a tent on top of our sleeping bags was not all that comfortable. But we survived and completed the 480 miles in the seven days. You just never know what the whether is going to be like in Iowa during the last week of July. There could be rain or wind or lots of sun or it could be cold. Or it could be all of those things within the same week. I’ll give you a report on that in a few weeks.
We’ve had very hot weather in most of the U.S during the last few weeks. Many areas are experiencing drought conditions and many are praying for rain. We haven’t had much rain up in these parts over the last few weeks and it’s been pretty hot. The grass, which was very lush and green a month ago, is now looking dry and burnt. But some places have been even hotter than others. In fact, it was 105 degrees F (41 C) in Indiana yesterday. What effect does that have on things?
Well, read on …
IT'S SO HOT in Indiana
.....the birds have to use potholders to pull the worms out of the ground.
.....the trees are whistling for the dogs.
.....the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance
.....hot water comes from both taps.
.....you can make sun tea instantly.
.....you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
.....the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
.....you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car (one on each hand).
.....you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
.....you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
.....you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30 A.M.
.....your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
.....you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
.....the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter.
.....the cows are giving evaporated milk.
.....farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
IT'S SO DRY in Indiana that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.
* * * * *
A Golfer accidentally overturned his cart.
Elizabeth, a real good golfer and a good looker who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.
"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Willis," he replied.
"Willis, forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty and persuasive.
"Well okay," Willis finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!” Elizabeth said with a smile, she won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"
* * * * *
Henry Kissinger once asked Chou En-Lai to theorize on what might have happened if Nikita Khrushchev had been assassinated instead of John F.
Kennedy.
After a moment's thought, Chou En-Lai answered: "I don't believe Mr.
Onassis would have married Mrs. Khrushchev."
* * * * *
A man laid off from work went into the Job Center in Downtown Bradenton and saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details. The clerk pulled up the file and read, "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help the ladies out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, after which you must rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
The annual salary is $75,000, and you'll have to go to Miami."
"Good grief; is that where the job is?"
"No sir, that's where the end of the line is right now.
* * * * *
Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the Lions Ladies Dinner last night by 1 point.
Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.
* * * * *
PUNGORAPHY
We have seen some or many of these before, but they are good and I will share them as I received them this past week.
I do not enjoy computer jokes.
Not one bit.
When chemists die,
They barium .
Jokes about German sausage,
Are the wurst .
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray, Is now a seasoned veteran .
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea?
Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, But I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood,
But it was a Type-O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first?
They had reservations.
Energizer battery arrested.
Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first.
Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job?
She couldn't control her pupils ?
When you get a bladder infection;
Urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger.
Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog.
I mist.
England has no kidney bank,
But it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker,
But then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro;
What a rip off !
Venison for dinner?
Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington?
Obviously the government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive,
But now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist.
He has fillings, too.
(TGIF Editor’s Note: this last one is a bit of a stretch. But the letter “i” in many languages is pronounced like our “ee” and so it can sound like “feelings” to many. We could pronounce fillings as Philings, too. So there!)
* * * * *
It’s time for the TGIF Golden Classic section. While many of the contributions I now receive are old ones, often used more than once in previous TGIF editions, I do use some in the main section, while I select a few of the ones that I particularly like (and haven’t used in some time) for the current issue’s Golden Classic section.
I have chosen two of them to share with you today. Enjoy!
* * * * *
A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ...
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."
* * * * *
If you have seen or recognize the following one, you will enjoy reading it again. If you haven’t seen it before, I guarantee that you will like it – and I don’t usually guarantee anything.
Life in the Australian Army
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland.)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the station - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody horses
to get in, no calves to feed, no troughs to clean - nothin'!! Ya haz
gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or goanna stew like wot Mum makes.You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez it’s only just like walking to the windmill in the bullock paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' -dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody dingo's arse and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of p...!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet; but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Susan
* * * * *
So, as I assume it is Friday when you read this, I wish you a very happy day (although it IS Friday the 13th – be careful!) and you can thank God that it’s Friday – since you have the weekend to look forward to. I bet you’re going to try to leave work early today. Good luck! Hope you don’t get caught by the boss! Maybe the boss wants to leave early too. Keep an eye on him/her and sneak out right behind her/him!
Have a great weekend too!
I’ll be away from this TGIF dungeon for the next 2 Fridays, so I’ll try and get back here at the end of the first week of August. Until then, take care and enjoy the summer!
TGI-Jeff
