Greetings from your Friday guy as we near the end of October. I just wanted to issue one of these to also report on my 75th birthday celebration weekend. It went off even better than anyone could have imagined. Dianne did a great job of organizing it all! We had my 3 kids and spouses here with us from Wednesday night through Sunday morning. Brother Nate and Karen were here from Thursday through Sunday, as well. Rod and Chris Taft, Martha (Taft) and Fred were here from Friday to Sunday and Dianne’s family was here on Saturday to join us here on Saturday afternoon here at the house/yard with everyone else and then for the dinner at the Inn on Saturday night where we were 25 people in all. A great evening with great food and fun conversations, including a lot of “knock knock” jokes shared between Lucas and Logan! No one else seemed to understand the humor of most of those, but Lucas and Logan just kept laughing!
Thanks to everyone who sent my birthday wishes either via email or on Facebook. I really enjoyed reading all of those. I am a very grateful person – to be surrounded by good family and lots of friends.
I just realized that this is UN Day. So I salute all my UN colleagues on this day! The UN is 80 - so 5 years older than me!
So, let’s start with some random thoughts.
Random Thoughts
• So now cocaine is legal in Oregon; but, straws aren’t. That must be frustrating.
• Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.
• Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers. If you do find one, what’s your plan?
• The older I get, the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.
• Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the ‘cool table’ in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.
• You know you’re over 50 when you have ‘upstairs ibuprofen’ and ‘downstairs ibuprofen’.
• How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life, when…the
rabbit is always jumping but only lives for around two year and …the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives over 200 years. So, rest, chill, eat, drink and enjoy life
• I too was once a male trapped in a female body…but then my mother gave birth.
• If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
• When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked the doctor if I would still be able to write with it. He said,“Probably; but, I wouldn’t count on it.
• I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right, and exercise. But that was four hours ago when I was younger and full of Hope.
• Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two chocolate bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
• We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.
• The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.
• When a kid says “Daddy, I want mommy” that’s the kid version of “I’d like to speak to your supervisor”.
• It’s weird being the same age as old people.
• Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say CLOSE ENOUGH.
• Last night the internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
• If Adam and Eve were Cajuns they would have eaten the snake instead of the apple and saved us all a lot of trouble.
• We celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages.. Metamucil and Ensure.
• You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.
• Weight loss goal: To be able to clip my toenails and breathe at the same time.
• After watching how some people wore their masks, I understand why contraception fails.
• Some of my friends exercise every day. Meanwhile I am watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
• For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version, it doesn’t listen to anything.
• I just got a present labeled, ‘From Mom and Dad’, and I know darn well Dad has no idea what’s inside.
• Now that Covid has everyone washing their hands correctly … next week … Turn Signals.
• Someone said, “Nothing rhymes with orange.” I said, “No, it doesn’t.”
• The pessimist complains about the wind. The optimist expects it to change. The realist adjusts his sails.
• There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator. Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
• Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.
• I have many hidden talents. I just wish I could remember where I hid them.
• My idea of a Super Bowl is a toilet that cleans itself.
• Apparently exercise helps you with decision-making. It’s true. I went for a run this morning and decided I’m never going again.
* * * * * * * *
Jail
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain". "Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..." "But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner. The guy looked really down, so to cheer him up a bit he said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," came the gloomy answer from the cell. "I'm the groom."
* * * * * * * *
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeraL He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here.
* * * * * * * *
Senility
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood. To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school. There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally". On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car practically at their feet. She quickly picked it up, but they didn't know what to do with it, so they took it home. There, she counted the money - it was $50,000!
The husband said, "We've got to give it back."
"Finders keepers!" his wife said and put the money back in the bag and hid it up in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men who were going from door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money showed up at their home. One knocked on the door and said, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
“No," she said.
The husband said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
She said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile," but the agents sat the man down and began to question him.
One said, "Tell us the story from the beginning.”
The old man said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …"
At this, the FBI guy looked at his partner and said, "We're outta here!"
* * * * * * * *
Honesty
One day, a woodcutter was chopping trees by the river when suddenly his axe fell into the water. He began to cry. At that moment, the landowner happened to pass by and asked why he was crying. The woodcutter explained that his axe, which he used to make a living, had fallen into the river. The landowner went into the water and came out holding an axe made of gold and diamonds. He asked the woodcutter, “Is this your axe?” “No,” replied the woodcutter. The landowner went into the water again and came out with a silver axe. “Is this your axe?” he asked. “No,” said the woodcutter. The landowner went in a third time and came out with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?” “Yes!” the woodcutter replied happily. The landowner was so pleased to find such an honest man that he gave him all three axes. The woodcutter went home full of joy. A few days later, the woodcutter and his wife went walking by the river. Suddenly, his wife fell into the water. Again, the woodcutter began to cry, and again the landowner appeared and asked why. “My wife fell into the river!” said the miserable woodcutter. The landowner went into the water and came out with Audrey Hepburn at her prime. “Is this your wife?” he asked. “Yes!” said the woodcutter. “You lied to me!” shouted the landowner, furious. “Please understand,” replied the woodcutter. “If I had said no, you would have come out with Scarlett Johansson or some such. And if I had said no again, you would have brought out my real wife, and then I would have said yes. That way you would have given me all three! But I’m a poor man – I can’t take care of three women. So I said yes right away to Audrey…” Moral of the story: You may need more than one axe, but not more than one woman.
* * * * * * * *
Smart Cats
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are. The first man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee. To show off, the engineer called to his cat, "T-square, do your stuff." T-square pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the government employee and said, "What can your cat do?" The government worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers' Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
* * * * * * * *
Believe Me – Don’t Go Up There!
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them. Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!"
Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind."
The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment. Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!"
Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!"
Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?"
Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!"
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.
The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!"
"Crap!" Jerry exclaims.
"Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes."
Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing. The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story.
"You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!"
"I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."
* * * * * * * *
Kiss My Ass!
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?”
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks."
* * * * * * * *
A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?”
Again, the barber looks around at a shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half”.
The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?”
"To your house."
* * * * * * * *
I didn’t mean for this one to be this long, but I hope my brother-in-law Chris enjoys his first TGIF edition.
Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!
Until the next time,
TGI-Jeff
