TGIF - 25 July 2025

  

 

Greetings on this last Friday of the month. It’s been pretty hot around these parts in recent weeks. Summer has definitely arrived! The Spring was very wet, as was early summer. It meant that our golf course was practically under water. It has finally dried out now and to the extent that when we tried to play today, we had to negotiate our shots around the sprinklers that were running full blast. I managed to play 3 times this week and each time I’m getting a better score. It's more fun when one is playing well.

 

Looking forward to seeing Ryan Anderson this Sunday near where he is vacationing with “his girls” in upstate New York. I think the last time I saw him was in Sri Lanka in mid-2007! Lots to catch up on!

 

Dianne has been working hard (volunteer work) for her church in Londonderry to help price items for their annual summer “Whale of a Sale” event this Friday and Saturday. (That’s why I’ve been free to play so much golf this week! J)

 

We’re also looking forward to hosting Jon, Melissa and Logan next weekend up here in Vermont.

 

Well, it’s July and 100 degrees outside and so I think Walmart will be putting out their Christmas stuff any day now!

 

It’s so hot outside that when I opened the front door, I thought I was checking on the cornbread.

 

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Does Anyone Really Know What Time It Is???

 

After driving for about six hours, a trucker decides to pull over and sleep for a little while. As soon as he falls asleep, he is awoken by some knocks on the door of the cab. "Can you tell me the time, please?" asks a jogger. "Yeah, it's 4:30," answers the trucker. He falls asleep again, but he is awoken again by another jogger who wants to know the time. "It's 4:40!" yells the trucker. Deciding to really try to sleep a little, he writes on a piece of paper: I DON'T KNOW THE TIME. He sticks the paper in his windshield. But he is awoken again. 'It's 5:25!" another jogger yells at him

 

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It’s not really procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it!

 

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A guy with a gun storms into a bar and growls: "Who the heck had sex with my wife?":-(

 

A voice from the back shouts: "You don't have enough bullets!" 

 

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Going Fishing

 

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?" "I did, they're in your tackle box.

 

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Different Names for Money

 

How interesting .... I never thought Money has different names!!!

In temple or church, it's called donation.

In school, it's fee.

In marriage, it's called dowry.

In divorce, *alimony.*

When you owe someone, it's *debt.*

When you pay the government, it's *tax.*

In court, it's *fines.*

Civil servant retirees, it's *pension.*

Employer to workers, it's *salary.*

Master to subordinates, it's *wages.*

To children, it's *allowance.*

When you borrow from bank, it's *loan.*

When you offer after a good service. it's *tips.*

To kidnappers, it's *ransom.*

Illegally received in the name of service, it's *bribe.*

The question is, "when a husband gives to his wife, what do we call it???

ANSWER:
Money given to your wife is called DUTY, and every man has to do his duty because wives are not “DUTY FREE...”

Don’t laugh, if you have a mistress, you also need to pay “maintenance fees”!

 

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Some Blonde Jokes

 

TGIF Editor’s Note: Joya, before you get too upset, you should know that these were submitted by your Uncle Fred!

 

A blonde is at a soda vending machine in a casino. She sticks in a quarter, pushes the button, and catches the can when it pops out. Then she puts in another quarter and does the same, then again, and again, and again. Eventually, the casino manager comes over and says, “Hey, you must be really thirsty.”

“Not really,” replies the blonde.

The casino manager is puzzled. “Then why are you getting all these cans?”

The blonde replies. “I don’t want to stop while I’m winning.”

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A blonde sees a sign reading, “Press bell for night watchman”, and so she presses the bell. After a few moments, she hears the watchman start stomping down the stairs. She also hears him unlock the first gate, then the second gate, then she hears the alarm system shut down. Finally, she sees him walk through the revolving door. “Well,” he says, on reaching her. “What do you want?”

The blonde replies, “I just wanted to know why you can’t ring the bell yourself?”

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A blonde and a brunette are watching an evening news story about a man about to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, “I bet you $50 the man is going to jump.”

The blonde accepts the bet and, sure enough, sadly, the man jumps. The blonde gives the brunette fifty dollars. However, the brunette says, “I can’t accept your money. I watched the midday news and saw the man jump then.”

The blonde replies, “I watched the midday news too. I just didn’t think he’d do it twice in one day!”

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A blonde decides to kidnap a small boy and hold him for ransom. Having grabbed her victim from the playground, she writes a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your boy. Tomorrow, put $10,000 in a bag and leave it by the statue in the town square. Signed, a blonde.” The blonde then pins the note to the boy’s shirt and sends him home.

The next morning, the blonde checks the statue and finds the boy standing there with a bag full of money. The boy hands the blonde a note. It reads: “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

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A blonde girl runs home from school, extremely excited. “Mummy, Mummy!” she yells, bursting through the front door. “We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to six. See. One, two, three, four, five, six!”

“Very good,” says her mother.

The girl smiles broadly at the praise and says. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?”

“Yes,” replies her mother, “it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day, for the second day running, the blonde girl runs home from school, extremely excited. “Mummy, Mummy!” she yells, bursting through the front door. “We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See. A, B, C, D, E, F, G!”

“That’s very good,” says her mother.

The girl smiles broadly at the praise and says. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?”

“Yes, deary,” replies her mother, “it’s because you’re blonde.”

The next day, for the third day in a row, the blonde girl runs home from school, extremely excited. “Mummy, Mummy!” she yells, bursting through the front door. “We were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I had these!” The blonde girl lifts her T-shirt to reveal a pair of 38Cs.

“That’s very good,” says her mother.

The blonde smiles broadly at the praise and says. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mummy?”

“No,” replies her mother, “it’s because you’re twenty!”

 

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Weather Forecasting

 

Once upon a time, there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. 

 

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”. 

 

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So they did. 

 

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. 

 

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” 

 

So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot. And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

 

TGIF Editor’s Note:  Thank God that is an old practice that doesn’t happen in this day!!!

 

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God Will Provide

 

This one could also qualify as the golden oldie for today.

 

A young Jewish woman visits her parents and brings her fiancé to meet them. After an elaborate dinner, the mother tells her husband to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancé to his library for a drink. 

 

"So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man. 

 

"I am a bible scholar," he says. 

 

"A bible scholar? Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed to?” 

 

"I will study," the young man said, "and God will provide for us.” 

 

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father. 

 

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies. "God will provide for us.” 

 

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?" "Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancé. 

 

The conversation continues like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insist that God will provide. Later, the mother asks: "How did it go, Honey?” 

 

The father answers: "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I'm God."

 

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It’s Time for the TGIF Golden Classic (an oldie but goodie!)

 

Stranded

 

One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long it’s been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Scotsman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och - in the name of the wee man is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good scotch?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!?”

 

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Hope you all in the northern hemisphere are enjoying your summer! Climate change has presented its challenges for that, for sure. Too much heat; too many floods or other natural disasters, and so forth.

 

Here’s wishing you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

 

Until the next time, take care!

 

TGI-Jeff

TGIF - 11 July 2025

  

Greetings from the Green Mountain State on this Friday in the middle of summer. As I draft this on Thursday evening, it is July 10th. That is not a date that Vermonters are fond of. The northern part of the state had devastating floods on this date in both 2023 and 2024. So, today, when the weather forecast was for possible heavy rain, thunderstorms and possible flash floods, many Vermonters were, I’m sure, experiencing some form of PTSD. How can this happen in 3 consecutive years???!!!

 

One answer might be: climate change. I have been wondering what those who don’t believe in man-made climate change think about the latest flood tragedy in Texas and how the current administrations in Washington and Texas have been de-funding FEMA and early warning systems and so forth. It’s so depressing.

 

But that is not the purpose of my Friday message. I want to make you smile or chuckle.

 

We had a rather quiet 4th of July weekend, but on Monday, Dianne and I went over to Hanna Croix, NY to join a family gathering of her mom’s side of the family (Hubbard). It was a nice gathering, and it was good to spend time with her uncle John and also her aunt Lorraine and several cousins and second cousins.

 

I had a message several months ago from someone I recruited to WFP in Sri Lanka, Ryan Anderson, who said he was coming to this area in July. So, Ryan, please let me know when as I’d like to see you. Our plans tend to get busy as time gets close.

 

It’s been a few weeks since I last issued one of these. But thanks to a few of you, but mainly Debba, for the material provided for this edition.

 

A Good Question

 

Q: "What's the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?"

A: "One takes things literally. One takes things, literally.”

 

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Politicians and heroin addicts are the same. politicians and heroin addicts have an affliction and addiction. Heroin addicts are addicted to heroin politicians are addicted to power.

 

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Going Ape

 

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested: "Now maybe pucker your lips and wiggle your bottom, see what that does." She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead The husband then suggested she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... and the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now..... show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips. The husband smiled sweetly at his wife as he opened the cage door. "Now, tell him you have a headache”.

 

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Para-Olympics

 

Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games. The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block. 


The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in. They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line. Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water. 


He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says: "I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start some idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me.

 

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He Has a Memory like an Elephant

 

An elephant was drinking out of the river one day when he spotted a turtle lying fast asleep on a log. The elephant walked over and kicked the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river. 

 

A passing giraffe who happened to see this happen asked the elephant, "Why did you do that?" 

 

The elephant replied, "Because I recognized it as the same turtle that bit my trunk 38 years ago." 

 

The giraffe said, "Wow, what a memory you've got!" 

 

"Yes," said the elephant proudly. "Turtle recall."

 

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The Nursing Mother

 

A woman is riding the bus while trying to breastfeed her baby. The baby, however, isn't interested. After several tries, the mother is quite angry. "Drink the milk or I'll give it all to the man sitting at the back!" she says. The baby is still playing around. A few minutes later she tries again, "drink the milk or I'll really give it all to the man at the back, and you'll go hungry!" The baby continues rejecting her. She tries again, very angry this time, "I'm definitely going to give it all to the man at the back if you don't behave!" This goes on a few more times. Suddenly she hears a voice from the back of the bus - "Lady will you please make up your mind? I was supposed to get off 5 stops ago."

 

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The Secret

 

A TV crew decides to visit a hundred year old man living alone in a cabin in the woods. When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man. They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story: 

 

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowhere. It was winter, but it wasn't too cold for a week and it was only lightly snowing when suddenly the wind started blowing and the snowing intensified. I went outside to call my dog when I barely saw a weak light coming from the woods. Surely someone got lost and was now trying to find a way to safety. I started calling for my dog, but I knew the lost person would hear me. Sure enough, the light started getting stronger and stronger until finally I could see a silhouette of a man holding a flashlight. When he came close enough, I ran to help him. You couldn't see more than twenty feet and I didn't want to risk getting myself lost as well. 

 

I helped the man get inside the cabin and my dog ran in few seconds later. I closed the door with great difficulty because the wind was blowing so hard. I then helped the man get his jacket and boots off and sat him next to the fireplace. The man was in shock but without injuries. I poured both of us a glass of whiskey to calm down and then a bowl of stew I was preparing. The man calmed down and started thanking me. He said he really thought he was a dead man until he heard me calling my dog. He gathered last bits of his energy and walked towards the voice. 

 

When we finished eating, we decided to both go to bed. But I only had one bed so we would have to share. No problem, we thought, because it was very cold, and our bodies would keep each other warm. Well, one thing lead to another and we started touching each other, then kissing and then making love. 

 

In the morning, the weather cleared up and after breakfast, the man put on his jacket, gathered his things and said he had to go. His wife and three children were expecting him and must be mortified because he didn't come home. He then gave me the juiciest kiss on the cheeks and left. I watched him go and realized I didn't even ask his name. That was the last time I saw him.” 

 

The TV crew looked at each other in shock and after a few seconds one of them said: "No, we meant what is your secret for long and active life.” 

 

"Oh, that?" the man said, "Clean air, regular exercise, healthy food, no stress... That kind of stuff."

 

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Weighs and Means

 

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine to insert the coin. Out came a card that said: "You weigh 126 pounds, and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she broke wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine. After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read: "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, a really hot guy will show up and show interest in you." After another 30 seconds, a muscular blonde, blue-eyed guy emerged out of a nearby alley and beckoned her to go over to him. Seeing as her love life had been quiet for a while, she obliged. Once she was done being the center of attention, she fumbled through her purse and found another dime. Feeling like a supermodel closing the Versace show at Paris Fashion Week, she shimmied over to the machine and put it in. Again, a little card popped out that said: "You still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus.

 

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Water Supply

 

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink.

 

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It’s Time for the TGIF Golden Classic for this week.

 

Pain Killer

 

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled. The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot. 

 

"No way! No needles! I hate needles", the man said. 

 

The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected. 

 

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!” 

 

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill. 

 

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills”. 

 

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet”. 

 

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW, I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!” 

 

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."

 

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I’ve been enjoying watching many of the Wimbledon tennis matches and also my Boston Red Sox who have lately been on a winning streak. It’s more fun when they play well. It seems like a waste of time when they don’t. 

 

Be sure to think of me when you receive a funny message from one of your friends. I need the material if you want to receive one of these messages from time to time.

 

Time to wish you all a fantastic Friday and a wonderful weekend!

 

TGI-Jeff